I want to share with you a story about a young boy who lovingly crafted a small sailboat. He adorned it with fine gems and precious metals, polished it until it gleamed, and marked it with his signature, ensuring everyone knew it was his creation. When he took it to the river to test it, the boat sailed beautifully. However, a strong wind arose, sweeping the boat away, and the boy was heartbroken by the loss of his cherished creation.
Sometime later, while walking through town, the boy was astonished to see his boat in the window of a shop. Though some gems were missing and it was battered, his signature confirmed it was his boat. He rushed inside and told the shop owner, “That little boat is mine; I made it.” The owner replied, “I’m sorry, but I bought it from someone else. If you want it back, you’ll have to pay for it.” Determined, the boy worked tirelessly for weeks, saving every penny. Finally, he returned to the shop, slammed the money on the counter, and bought his boat back. Holding it aloft, he exclaimed, “Little boat, you are twice mine. I made you—and I bought you back!”
The Deeper Meaning
You might wonder how this story relates to us. In many ways, we are like that little boat. Each of us is uniquely created by God, reflecting His image and cherished deeply by Him. However, life’s storms and the lure of the world have swept us away from our Creator, leaving us battered and lost. The challenges of life and the wrong things we do separate us from God. The temptations of the world and our own pride hurt us, and the enemy, Satan—the fallen angel, who hates mankind—tries to keep us down.
The boy in the story represents Jesus, who came to save us. Despite our broken state, affected by sin and life’s hardships, Jesus recognized us as His own. Just as the boy worked hard to buy back his boat, Jesus paid the ultimate price for our redemption. He bought us back with His precious blood, shed on the cross. He did this to restore our relationship with God the Father, as God is holy and cannot abide in sin. We are twice His—created by Him and bought back with His blood.
Understanding Our Condition
All of us have done wrong and fallen short of God’s standards. Sin is not just about major wrongdoings but also includes knowing what is right and failing to do it. It encompasses acts like lying, stealing, unforgiveness, hatred, jealousy, anger, sexual immorality, idolatry, addictions, pornography, drugs, and wanting to live separately from God. These wrongdoings separate us from a holy and righteous God.
God judges the heart, including our thoughts, words, deeds, and motives. While people can pretend to have a holy exterior and act pious, God sees through our facades and knows our true nature. It’s not about religion, where you have to do things to be accepted by God. It’s about a relationship with God who is near and accessible. Our good works cannot save us; they are like filthy rags in comparison to God’s purity, you cannot buy salvation. The Bible states that the wages of sin is death—eternal separation from God in hell, a fate none of us would wish upon anyone.
The Sacrifice of Jesus
Jesus Christ paid the price for our sins on the cross so we can be restored to God, our heavenly Father. There needed to be a sacrifice, and God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus, who was sinless, to take our place. It’s like a mother giving away her newborn baby or you giving away your only child to pay someone else’s debt, someone who couldn’t care less about you or love you back. God was willing to do that for you and me.
Jesus Christ was crucified, with nails driven through His hands and feet and a crown of thorns pressed onto His head. He was whipped until His skin was torn off, becoming unrecognizable. As He hung on that cross, He did it for your sins. He took our sins upon Himself, including the very sins that have destroyed our lives. He was destroyed for those sins on that cross. He bled and died for our sins, which were buried with Him in the grave. Three days later, Jesus Christ was raised from the dead. Jesus is alive!
The Call to Salvation
This message is for everyone. Regardless of your wealth, status, sexual orientation or religious background, Jesus invites you to turn from sin and accept His gift of salvation. No amount of money, social standing, or religious observance can save you. It’s not about comparing yourself to others; the only comparison that matters is with God, and we all fall short, we all have sinned. God doesn’t want our religion; He wants a relationship with us. We are created with a God-shaped vacuum that nothing else can fill. He said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.”
Now is the time to respond. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Romans 10:9 says, “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” This declaration and belief bring salvation. John 3:36 warns, “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them.”
A Prayer of Salvation
If you feel the call in your heart, don’t wait. Embrace this good news today and pray:
“Dear God, thank you for loving me. I confess that I have sinned against you. I believe that Jesus, Your Son, died on the cross to pay for my sins. I believe that Jesus was raised from the dead. I ask that you forgive all my sins. I confess that Jesus is my Lord and Savior. Thank you for Your gift of eternal life! I pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
Remember, it’s not the prayer that saves you; it’s the heartfelt belief and confession, turning away from sin, and choosing to trust in Jesus for a righteous life. Now is the time for salvation. Turn from darkness to light, from sin to salvation, and follow Jesus.
What next?
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May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer ~ Psalm 19:14
In the book of Proverbs we have a very stark statement as to what God hates. So let us take a look…
1. Haughty eyes: Haughty eyes deals with pride and God hates pride. The eyes are the windows into pride. The phrase, “That person looks down on me!” That’s the haughty eye and its full of pride. Pride is the original sin that goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Man wanted to be like God (notice the pride) more than he wanted to be with God. He looked down on God.
2. A lying tongue: A lying tongue is a reminder that all words count. All words have consequences and that all our words will be judged by God. This is why in Proverbs 18:21 we are warned: life and death are in the power of the tongue. When we lie, we trample on the greatness and dignity that God has placed in all humans.
3. Hands that shed innocent blood: Innocence does not imply sinlessness. But to shed innocent blood is to take the life of one who has done nothing worthy of death. God loves and wants us to protect the innocent.
4. A heart that devises wicked schemes: Throughout Scripture, God reminds us that He alone searches the heart. God knows what we think and he sees the plans and purposes that are conceived in the souls of all people.
5. Feet that are quick to rush into evil: To rush into evil is to demonstrate a great delight and enjoyment of evil and an eagerness to participate in it. God hates the enjoyment of evil. A lot of people like to witness evil and yet they would never think of doing it themselves. God says no.
6. A false witness who pours out lies: This deals with perjury. But when the Proverbs writes about a false witness, the principle is so much deeper than the mere avoidance of lying. This is talking about making right confession. The word confession is a word that literally means to speak truth that is revealed by God.
7. A person who stirs up conflict in the community: The climax of wickedness is the one who purposefully causes division. It is the kind of conflict that is done in secret and done by one who won’t appeal through proper channels and who does not submit to proper authority. It is someone who stirs up conflict for the sole purpose of stirring up conflict.
Now, if God hates these things in this passage (and He does!), then it stands to reason He loves just the opposite. In other words, if God hates haughty eyes that means He loves the eyes of humility. If God hates a lying tongue what does He love? A tongue of integrity. If God hates those who shed innocent blood, He loves those who defend the innocent. If He hates the heart that devises wicked schemes, how much more does He love the one who works towards virtue? If God hates feet that rush to evil, how much does He love feet that run towards goodness? If He hates a false witness, He must love a true witness! If He hates those who sow discord, how much more does He love those who sow unity and peace? At the end of the day, the Proverbs writer is asking us to consider: What kind of people are we striving to be? May we strive to be those who practice what God loves!
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***By Dr Dave Lescalleet at Pruit Cares Foundation
We must be careful of our words and how we use them, especially those who have spiritual authority: like a mother or father over a child, a husband over his wife or what we speak overselves; there is power in the tongue to bring life or death.
“Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” – Proverbs 18:21
What Does Life and Death In The Power Of The Tongue Mean?
It means that the words we speak have an incredible power to shape our lives and the lives of others. Our words can be used as a tool to bring life—by bringing encouragement, comfort, and hope—or to bring death—by spreading hurtful lies, gossip, and negativity. Every word we say carries with it a profound responsibility and a potential to make a difference.
In Matthew 12:37, Jesus said, “For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” This verse teaches us that the power of our tongue can have lasting consequences. We are ultimately responsible for the words we use and how they affect ourselves, as well as others.
Our words have the power to lift up or tear down—to bring life or death into a situation. We should always remember that we are accountable for our words and think carefully about how we use them. When we choose to speak life, rather than death, it has the power to bring light and hope into a situation—and can even bring about miraculous transformations.
In Ephesians 4:29, it says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” This verse encourages us to speak words that are edifying and full of life. In our conversations with others, we should strive to bring hope and joy rather than hurt and despair.
James 3:10 says, “From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.” This verse warns us against saying one thing in one moment and then something completely different in another moment. Our words should always reflect integrity and thoughtfulness.
Our Words Can Bring Life or Death
Life and death are in the power of the tongue. That means we should take everything we say very seriously. Let’s look at specific ways to speak life and some of the ways we speak death.
We Speak Life By Encouraging Others
We can use our words to bring life by encouraging and uplifting those around us. We can choose to speak words of kindness that build up instead of tear down. Consider speaking truth in love and offering words of affirmation when we talk about others—including ourselves.
In Hebrews 10:24, it says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.” This verse reminds us that our words have the power to bring encouragement and motivation into someone else’s life.
Our words have the power to bring about positive change, inspire others, and even heal broken relationships. We can use our words to make a difference in someone’s life—by offering them hope and comfort. For example, speaking words of affirmation can be especially powerful for someone who is struggling with low self-esteem or depression.
We Speak Death By Being Critical
One of the most common ways we speak death into the lives of others is by constantly being critical. We can use our words to tear down and discourage those around us. But when we do this, we are not using the power of our tongues for good.
In Proverbs 18:21 it says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” This verse reminds us that words have power—and whatever we speak can bring life or death into the lives of those around us.
Therefore, let us be careful with our words—that they may bring life and not death to those around us. May we choose to use our words for good and make a difference in someone’s life!
We Speak Life By Speaking The Truth
It’s also important to speak life by speaking the truth. This means avoiding manipulation, exaggeration, and fabrication with our words. It means saying what is true and helpful in a respectful manner—and not using our words to manipulate others or spread lies.
In Colossians 3:9-10 it says, “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.” We should always strive to use our words responsibly and respectfully—and never twist the truth or mislead others with our words.
By being mindful of the power of our words, we can choose to bring life into every situation. Life and death are in the power of the tongue—so let us use our words wisely, for the glory of God.
May we speak life into each other’s lives, and uplift one another through our words!
We Speak Death By Gossiping
Gossip and slander are another common way that we can speak death into the lives of others. We should never spread rumors or engage in gossip, as it has the power to ruin someone’s reputation and cause a lot of hurt.
In Proverbs 16:28 it says, “A perverse man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates the best of friends.” This verse reminds us that our words can be destructive and hurtful if we are not careful.
Gossip is not an innocent thing. Let us be mindful of what we say and not use our words to spread malicious lies or destructive rumors. May we choose instead to speak life into the lives of those around us, and never use our words for evil.
We Speak Life By Praying For Others
We should also use our words to speak life by praying for others. We can pray for those who need encouragement, healing, and hope in their lives. By being intentional with our prayers, we can bring joy and peace into someone else’s world.
In James 5:16 it says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” This verse reminds us of the power of our prayers—and how they can bring about healing and restoration in the lives of others.
Really, there are few things better than praying for someone. When we pray we are asking God Himself to intervene in a person’s life. We’re asking the most powerful and loving being in the universe to do good to someone. Is there anything better than that?
We Speak Death By Complaining
We should be mindful of how our words affect those around us. We should avoid complaining or grumbling about people and situations, as it only brings negativity into the atmosphere. Additionally, complaining tends to spread. When you complain it tempts others to complain as well.
In Philippians 2:14-15 it says, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.”
Our words can be a light to those around us—or they can be a source of darkness. Let us use our words wisely, and strive to speak life into every situation. We can use our words to bring joy and hope into the world, rather than negativity.
Speak Life By Using Words Of Blessing
Finally, we can use our words to speak life by speaking words of blessing over those around us. We can choose to use our words to bless instead of curse. This means choosing not to criticize or pass judgement, but rather offering grace and mercy through our speech.
In Numbers 6:24 it says, “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.” We can use this verse as a model for offering words of blessing in our lives.
When we speak words of blessing, we are using our words to bring life and joy into someone else’s world. We can bless people with our words, whether we are giving an encouraging word in a difficult time or simply speaking kind and gentle words. Let us choose to use our words to be a blessing!
Frequently Asked Questions
What does “life and death are in the power of the tongue” mean?
This phrase comes from Proverbs 18:21, which says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” This verse is referring to how powerful our words can be—in that they can bring death or life into a situation. Our words have the power to create positive or negative change in the world, depending on how we use them.
What does it mean to speak life?
To speak life means to use your words to encourage and lift up those around you. It means speaking words of blessing rather than criticism, and using our words as an instrument for good in the world. Using our words to speak life means being intentional about bringing joy and hope into someone else’s world.
What does the Bible say about speaking life?
The Bible is full of verses that encourage us to use our words wisely and speak life into every situation. In James 3:5-6 it says, “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” This is a powerful reminder of how important it is to use our words for good, rather than evil. Let us strive to be mindful of our words and speak life into every situation!
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*** By Stephen Altrogge at The Blazing Center: theblazingcenter.com
If you are a man or a woman and claim to be a believer and part of the church, you are Jesus’s wife. You are His Bride and He is the bridegroom, and if we are His Bride, we need to ask ourselves the question, “what type of wife am I?” Am I asking God to send me a spouse, when I’m not even a good wife to Him. If you are saved, do you recognize you are part of the Bride of Christ? And instead of getting people to try and understand your love language, how about you trying to understand God’s love language.
Do you know what God’s love language is?
A) Quality time B) Words of affirmation C) Gifts D) Acts of service E) Physical touch F) All of the above
Answer: F, all of the above.
First of all, Jesus loves quality time. He loves when you spend time with Him in prayer. He loves when you dedicate the morning and just bask in His presence, and seek His face and dwell in His Word. He loves quality time when you dedicate the evening or when you set apart a time in your life where you’re fasting to get closer to God. You want to hear His voice and want to know His sound, and want to be in His presence. God loves quality time.
The Lord loves words of affirmation, not because He needs to be affirmed, but He knows that when you affirm Him, it affirms you! Can I mess with you a second? You don’t read the Bible for God, you don’t read the Bible for God, you don’t pray for God, you’re not watching this message for God, you don’t listen to sermons for God, you don’t worship for God, all that’s for you. You praying is not going to make God any more faithful.
It’s not going to make Him any more Holy, it’s not going to make Him any more righteous. You worshipping is going to help your mind from worrying, because you can not worry and worship at the same time, and a lot of us has got it muddled. We think we’re doing God a service, because we attend church, because we are giving, because we are praying, because we are fasting, and God’s like… don’t you understand I’m already Holy? I can’t get any holier than I already am. I am in a lane all by Myself, there’s no league, I have no competition. The devil’s not even my adversary, I have no competitors, no adversities! You are doing this for you, you’re doing this for your words of affirmation, it affirms you.
He loves when you use your gifts, why? Because He gave them to you. He loves when you worship, because you are using that gift. He loves when you exercise your gift of artistry, your gift of speaking, that gift of business skills, He loves when you do that, because it shows Him off.
The Lord loves acts of service, when you are serving your community, when you’re serving your wife, when you’re serving in the Church. He loves service because you are His hands and feet, so it makes Him look good when you do this!
And God loves physical touch, you know how you touch the heart of God. Anytime you choose His will over your will, that touches His heart. Anytime you say, “God I don’t want to do this, but I trust you and you’re my husband and I’m going to follow you, and I’m going to submit to you, it gives God glory.
One of the most common things that couples say to me is, “My wife and I just can’t seem to have a normal conversation anymore with each other. Our words seem so superficial and only about the facts of the day. We just never get to those heart-to-heart times of fellowship we used to have before we got married.” Have you ever thought or said these words? If you have, then this article is for you.
Why does conversation seem to turn in this superficial direction within a marriage? Once you understand why the communication has deteriorated between you, then you will see how to change it.
Why does communication deteriorate over time?
1. Holding resentment from past unresolved conflicts. This is one of the most common and obvious reasons why communication deteriorates in a relationship. If a prior conflict is not fully resolved, the heart becomes closed and the walls will go up and communication will shut down. This is why Solomon told his son, “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.” (Proverbs 18:19). If you have been fortifying your heart with bars, you have unresolved issues. If you want the superficiality to be removed then you must identify and deal with these conflicts.
2. Hardening your heart. When you refuse to resolve your conflicts, a hardened heart will always be the natural result. Why is this true? Paul equated hardness of heart with an unwillingness to repent of your sin. He warned the Romans that, “because of your“hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God” (Romans 2:5). If you are hard-hearted today, there will not be any heart-to-heart fellowship between you. It is an impossibility!
3. Allowing pride to control you.When pride controls your heart, you will relate to each other in one of two ways. First, you can be verbally harsh, authoritarian, and speak to your spouse with a superior attitude. Or secondly, pride can also make you indifferent to your mate’s requests to talk, and cause you to be unwilling to confess your own faults. These attitudes will only result in the walls being fortified between you. Remember, “By pride comes nothing but strife” (Proverbs 13:10). Pride is the death-nail to heart-to-heart fellowship.
4. An unwillingness to talk. When one or both of you stops being willing to talk, your hearts only grow harder, and the walls are strengthened (Acts 7:57). This refusal to talk things through is another sign of the pride and hardness of your hearts. You are, in reality, moving further backwards and not forward in your relationship.
5. Dominating the conversation. If you dominate a conversation by the number of words you use, to attempt to overpower your mate’s point of view, this will only further drive you apart. You should never think that you “will be heard” by the number of words you use (Matthew 6:7). If you say the same thing over and over again but just in different ways, and you don’t allow your spouse to respond, nothing will get accomplished. This again only reveals more pride within your heart.
6. Trying to control and force. When one or both spouses attempt to dominate the conversation, this is a controlling and forcing technique that only assures there will not be a true heart-to-heart conversation. Trying to control a person or a conversation is not love! Controlling behavior is also another form of pride.
7. Not being a good listener.Listening is a vital part of good communication. But, do you want to be heard more than you want to listen? Do you interrupt your spouse and not allow them to complete their thought before you begin your rebuttal? Solomon declared this behavior as folly. “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Proverbs 18:13). The word folly means stupid or to be without wisdom. This unwise practice will guarantee that there will be no heart-to-heart fellowship.
8. Lying and deceitfulness. When there is dishonesty between two people there will be no trust. Lying to one another is a rejection of your marital oneness with each other. Paul said, “Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,’ for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25). If Paul taught this truth concerning Christians in general, how much more would it hinder your marital oneness (Genesis 2:24)? Lying and deceitfulness calls into question your entire relationship together.
9. Harsh and condemning words. Harsh words are like small knife wounds or razor blade cuts that slowly drain the life out of your love relationship. David said of his enemies who constantly pursued him, “Your tongue devises destruction, like a sharp razor, working deceitfully”(Psalms 52:2). When harsh and condemning words are allowed to thrive in a relationship, they will bring destruction to every marriage. Be assured, there will be no heart-to-heart conversation within this marriage!
10. You don’t want to reveal anything that might be used against you in the next conflict. If you are afraid to be honest about what you are thinking, feeling, or what you have done, there can be no real intimacy in your conversations. This kind of fear will shut down any real heart-to-heart discussion, because there is no trust. If you are afraid to open your heart to your spouse, it reveals that there are several basic needs missing in your marriage.
11. Not spending time together. Sometimes the distance grows between a couple not because they have a major communication problem, but simply because they just don’t spend much one-on-one time together. When you don’t take the time to date each other, pray with one another, or recreate together, the closeness and friendship between you will die. Before you were married, as you dated, you spent plenty of one-on-one time together, which is why the communication was so much better. Don’t allow all of the distractions of life to keep you from the one person you are to be one flesh with.
These are just a few of the hindrances to heart-to-heart communication. If you recognize yourself in any of the above issues, you must realize that this is the reason the communication has deteriorated in your marriage. I would suggest asking God to forgive you, and then turning to your spouse and doing the same. Then take the steps in the next few paragraphs.
How to change the way you communicate, and get back to heart-to-heart fellowship.
1. You need to confront the problem. Many times, when couples struggle and they sense the distance growing between them, they beat around the bush with their mate, and don’t specifically address the problem. This is a major mistake. When this happens the problem only gets worse. If your car was running roughly or wouldn’t start, you wouldn’t just hope that the engine trouble would resolve itself. You would take the car into the mechanic to get the problem resolved. If you chose not to do this, one morning you would go out to start your car, and it wouldn’t run. So, don’t let the lack of heart-to-heart fellowship in your marriage get any worse. Resolve to talk to your spouse about it today.
How should you bring up this problem with your mate? Choose a weekend day, when you and your mate are not tired, and there are no distractions. Find a time when you can be alone, with the children playing outside, or at a friend’s house. Ask your spouse to sit down to talk, and express that you believe that you are drifting apart. Express your love and desire to change things between you. Don’t blame your spouse, but express that both of you are at fault, and that both of you need to make some changes. Go through the following steps.
2. Reconcile past issues. If you regularly fight about specific issues with your spouse, or you have past issues that have never been resolved, make a list of these conflicts and begin a discussion about how you can resolve them. Without a truly reconciled relationship with your spouse, your communication will never be heart-to-heart. Unresolved conflicts are what caused you to drift away from each other, and resolving them is the first step back. To help, I have two worksheets that would be very helpful for you to begin the process. Go to www.covenantkeepers.org and click on “Articles” and then “Worksheets” and print “How to Resolve Conflicts” and “How to Solve Conflicts.” Work through these together with your spouse to begin the reconciliation process.
Jesus made it absolutely clear that resolving conflicts with anyone was one of His top priorities. He said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus also said, “If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). So, if you have resentment toward your mate, or you know your spouse is upset with you, you have the responsibility to go to them and try to reconcile the issue. Keep talking and praying until it is resolved. When you take this step, you are removing one of the greatest impediments to having a heart-to-heart relationship again.
3. Admit your communication failures. Humility concerning your faults and your communicative abilities, is absolutely essential to opening up a new and deeper fellowship with your spouse. God has explained in many places throughout the Scripture that if you want revival and awakening in your souls, you must humble yourself. God spoke through Isaiah the Prophet and said, “For thus says the High and Lofty One Who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: ‘I dwell in the high and holy place, with him who has a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones’” (Isaiah 57:15). Jesus spoke heart-to-heart with anyone who would listen to Him, and He was “gentle and lowly at heart” (Matthew 11:29). Humility is a fundamental key to this entire process.
Go back and look at the list of communication failures that I gave at the beginning of this article and consider if any of these are yours. Do you do any of these behaviors? If you do, turn from these today!
4. Be vulnerable. How does vulnerability affect your ability to communicate with your spouse? It reveals your willingness to be honest and open with your mate. Vulnerability allows you to admit your faults, ask forgiveness, and listen to your wife or husband’s thoughts, and speak heart-to-heart. This is why Jesus taught His disciples to, “First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). What is Jesus encouraging in this verse? He wanted His disciple’s to be honest with themselves about their own sins before they ever tried to tell others about their faults. Honesty with yourself is an absolute necessity if you want to become vulnerable with your mate.
King David revealed his own vulnerability throughout the Psalms. What an example for all of us to follow. He could talk about his failures and sins, his fears, his personal struggles, and his hopes (Psalm 51:3; Ps. 34:4; Ps. 119:81; Ps. 42:5). But the question is, will you be vulnerable like this with your mate? If you won’t, then don’t expect your spouse to be vulnerable with you. If you want heart-to-heart communication with your mate, then vulnerability is essential!
5. Vulnerability also requires that you walk in humility. The essence of vulnerability is humility. You know your own struggles and faults; therefore, you are not quick to judge your spouse for his or her faults. You can admit your needs before your mate. You can give and receive encouragement and correction from your spouse. Note how open Paul the Apostle was with the elders of the church of Ephesus. He said to them, “You know, from the first day that I came to Asia, in what manner I always lived among you, serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears and trials which happened to me by the plotting of the Jews” (Acts 20:18-19). Can you talk about your struggles with your spouse? If your husband or wife has some helpful encouragement or correction, will you listen to it and not get angry?
Humility also enables a mutual submissiveness with your mate that further enables this openness and vulnerability. Peter clearly commanded this kind of fellowship with others when he said, “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble’” (1 Peter 5:5). Humility is the key to this submissive attitude that can listen to the other. In addition, without this vulnerability and humility, you will forfeit the great grace God wants to bestow upon your marriage relationship.
6. Choose your words carefully. One of the most critical requirements for heart-to-heart fellowship with your spouse will be the words that you choose to use. As Solomon said, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). The word soft in this verse means tender or gentle words. The word harsh means to speak offensive and hurtful words. So, which takes place with your spouse on a regular basis, tender and gentle words, or offensive and hurtful ones?
Only you have the ability to choose how you will speak with your mate. You are the only one who can change the words you speak. Don’t blame-shift and excuse your own responsibility by saying, “I wouldn’t talk the way I do, if he or she didn’t come off so harsh toward me.” Being honest with yourself is vital in changing this part of your communication. You have the choice as to how you will respond! God has made it clear what He wants, He said, “choose what pleases Me” (Isaiah 56:4). This is your responsibility!
You can say things several different ways if you choose. When your spouse fails to do what you have asked them to do, you can say, “This is the fifth time I’ve told you that this bothers me. What is your problem? Are you deaf, or are you just dumb?” Or, you can say, “Honey did you forget about this or that issue? This is really important to me.” Then explain the reason why this issue is so important to you. Which response would create a conflict, and which would help you get to a solution? The answer is obvious!
7. Become a better listener. In most marriages one person is more verbal that the other. The person who is more verbal usually dominates the conversations which hinders the less verbal person from taking. Consequently, the less verbal spouse begins to believe their mate does not value their thoughts and opinions. This causes the less verbal person to retreat and not share equally, which destroys the ability to have a heart-to-heart fellowship together. This is why James taught the church, “My beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”(James 1:19).
How can you change this imbalance? It is just a choice. The more verbal spouse must learn to use less words, and the less verbal person needs to use more words. For couples that just can’t seem to do it, I recommend using a kitchen timer. Set it for one minute, and say whatever you need to say. Then reset it for your spouse, and allow them to talk without interruption. This ensures equal time. Eventually people learn to discipline themselves to give this equal time to each other. Remember, you can’t have heart-to-heart talks when only one person is allowed to talk.
8. It takes two to tango. The tango is the most intimate dance that two people can enjoy. Each must move and step in a precise manner, or the couple will step all over each other, or fall to the floor. My point is that communication is like the tango. Both partners must participate and work together to enable heart-to-heart fellowship. It can’t be done alone. You need a willing heart, and your spouse also must be willing. You both must deal with your own personal faults, and you both must choose to be vulnerable with one another. Each of you must listen and give equal time to the other to respond.
Therefore, I encourage you to respond to the Lord in your personal life, and allow Him to work within you to change the way you communicate. Focus on getting to the place of heart-to-heart communication with each other. It will take work, but the work will bring the rewarding relationship you desire.
All of the steps I have just outlined in this article must be obeyed by both partners. It can’t be done by just one spouse alone. One of you must choose to start to speak heart-to-heart with the other. Trust that God will soften your spouse to respond. Remember, not even God Himself with all His power and authority, can by Himself fix the relationship with mankind. Ultimately, reconciliation requires men to respond to Him in repentance. This is why Jesus commanded those who heard Him to, “Repent and believe in the Gospel” (Mark 1:15). So, I am asking you to repent of your side of the problem as it relates to communication, and humble yourself before God and your spouse. You take the step to start the conversation. You won’t regret it!
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