I believe that every person goes through a transitional season in life where joy, tears, pain, and even heartbreak can take place. This is especially true when relationships are broken, lost, or at times introduced.
If you find yourself wondering why some people have been removed from your life, these are a few of the most common reasons.
Why They May Have Left
1. Your Season Has Changed
The Bible says that when Moses died and manna stopped, it was time for Joshua to step into the Promised Land (Joshua 1:2). In other words, sometimes a person leaving is God’s way of notifying us that we are stepping into a new season.
2. They (Place or People) Have Become Toxic
In Exodus 1:11, we see that Egypt was a place of provision for Israel at one time, but soon it became a place of pain and as a result, they needed to leave. Similarly, there are times when God will remove people out of your life because the connection you have with them is no longer helpful, or the place you are in is causing more harm than good.
3. You Are Being Pruned for More Fruit
John 15:2 says that we are pruned in order to bear more fruit. Sometimes relationships must be stripped away from us in order for us to be more effective in the area where God is leading us into.
4. They Block Your Vision
A great example of this is found in Genesis 13:14, when Lot separates from Abraham. The word “Lot” actually means veil, and I find it interesting that after the separation, Abraham is able to receive God’s direction clearly. Often, the same can happen with us after we lose certain relationships.
5. They Have Become an Idol
Another reason for the loss of a relationship could be that you came to rely on them more than you relied on God, turning them into an idol in your heart. We see in Judges 7:2 that God didn’t use Gideon until people left.
Some people are like crutches we lean on them more than we do God.
When they leave, it’s time to advance, not retreat.
6. God Has Another Plan For Them
Another example is found in Exodus 4:18. Here we see that Moses left his father-in-law’s house because Moses had an assignment to fulfill that required him to leave the house of Jethro (Exodus 4:18).
Sometimes it is no other reason than God leading them in a different direction and we must be at peace with that.
7. God Wants to Bring Someone Else
Lastly, we see in Scripture that the disciples had become familiar and comfortable with Jesus. They loved being able to talk, walk, and eat with Him. However, in John 16:7 He tells them that it is necessary for Him to leave in order for the Holy Spirit to come.
In the same way, at times it is to our advantage that some people be removed so God can introduce others that are meant to take us further in our walk with Him.
Sometimes people are in our lives for a season, while others for a reason.
I hope these reasons brought some clarity to any questions that you may have been struggling with. May God usher you into your new season with grace and blessing.
Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones ~ Proverbs 16:24
Do you remember all the situations where you said something you regretted deeply? All the times where you wished to have thought a little bit better before speaking and avoided the embarrassment you faced. I can surely make a long list for the same and I’m sure you have plenty of those just like me, right? To think before you speak is a much-needed skill and today in this blog, we’ll talk about just that along with tips on how to think before you speak.
Read on because, by the end of this blog, you’ll know all my top tips and tricks on how to think before you speak and not put your foot in your mouth!
How difficult can it be to think before you speak?
Thinking before speaking isn’t rare; it’s almost human nature to feel the need to contribute to a conversation. Sometimes, you may feel emotional about a topic and may not think before you talk about it. Hence, it can be pretty hard to stop yourself from blurting out the first thing that pops into your head. There are a variety of reasons that can prevent you from thinking before speaking. So, don’t beat yourself about it if it happens to you.
That being said, you do need to remember that we as humans are social beings and need to communicate effectively in our everyday lives. Communication is the key to happy and sorted relationships. Hence, it’s important to inculcate the habit of being able to think before you speak with anyone.
Why should you think before you speak?
A colleague once asked me why I should think before speaking? How does it even matter!
Thinking before speaking is pretty much a life skill. Here are some basic reasons for you to think before you speak:
It’s essential for your credibility because if what you communicate isn’t credible or useful, people won’t respect you or your words. Imagine that you are in a group discussion around international relations and you mistakenly mention that the capital of Japan is Beijing in a hurry. If it wasn’t because you didn’t know that Japan’s capital is Tokyo but because you didn’t take the time to process or think before you speak. Such an incident will reduce your credibility but could’ve been easily avoided if you had taken a pause to think.
Another reason for you to think before you speak is that if you do not think before you speak, you might end up hurting someone. Sometimes when we get emotional, it’s easy to get carried away and react to everything negatively. This is pretty common when we are arguing with our loved ones and hence, can impact our relationships severely. Hence, the ability to think before you speak can be fruitful in such scenarios.
Thinking before speaking can also help you stay out of trouble in several ways.Let’s say you’re in a meeting and your boss asks for a volunteer to take over the operations for your company’s newly acquired venture in Yemen. You say yes, just to please your boss without understanding the whole deal and now, you don’t know how to refuse. Had you listened and thought before speaking, you’d save yourself from the trouble of explaining yourself.
I hope you got enough reasons to think before you speak now? Great. Now, let’s move on to our next pertinent question.
It’s essential for your credibility because if what you communicate isn’t credible or useful, people won’t respect you or your words. Imagine that you are in a group discussion around international relations and you mistakenly mention that the capital of Japan is Beijing in a hurry. If it wasn’t because you didn’t know that Japan’s capital is Tokyo but because you didn’t take the time to process or think before you speak. Such an incident will reduce your credibility but could’ve been easily avoided if you had taken a pause to think.
Another reason for you to think before you speak is that if you do not think before you speak, you might end up hurting someone. Sometimes when we get emotional, it’s easy to get carried away and react to everything negatively. This is pretty common when we are arguing with our loved ones and hence, can impact our relationships severely. Hence, the ability to think before you speak can be fruitful in such scenarios.
Thinking before speaking can also help you stay out of trouble in several ways. Let’s say you’re in a meeting and your boss asks for a volunteer to take over the operations for your company’s newly acquired venture in Yemen. You say yes, just to please your boss without understanding the whole deal and now, you don’t know how to refuse. Had you listened and thought before speaking, you’d save yourself from the trouble of explaining yourself.
I hope you got enough reasons to think before you speak now? Great. Now, let’s move on to our next pertinent question.
Why does it happen? Why is it so hard to think before you speak?
The answer to this often has to do with impulse control or to be precise, the lack of it. Impulse control is simply the ability to control an urge to do something or control a reaction to anything. So, it’s possible that you can not think before you speak due to impulse control issues.
I’m sure you’ve asked yourself, “Why can’t I think clearly when talking to people?” or “Why do I always end up saying the wrong things?” Trust me, because I have too. There are many reasons for this but in general, you don’t think before you speak: a lack of patience, the lack of listening skills, or due to impulsiveness.
The Lack of Patience
Talking about the lack of patience, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Our urge to contribute to a conversation or the urge to be an active part of a discussion can sometimes be problematic. The lack of patience in such scenarios can lead to you interrupting others before they’re done and saying something incorrectly. It’s not easy to be patient and take a pause especially while talking about something we’re passionate about and thus, can lead to speaking before thinking.
The Lack of Listening Skills
Listening skills are as important for effective communication, if not more, than speaking skills. It’s nearly impossible to add something of value to a discussion or carry a conversation forward without listening actively. A lack of listening skills can even negatively impact your relationships as you might end up saying something you don’t mean. Hence, listening is essential to think before you speak.
Being Impulsive
Being impulsive is another trait that can be the reason behind your inability to think before you speak. Impulsiveness (or impulsivity) is the tendency to act on a whim, displaying behavior characterized by little or no forethought, reflection, or consideration of the consequences. So, being impulsive can lead to you not thinking before speaking too.
You know enough about why you can’t think before you speak normally now, right?
But should you always think before speaking?
I’d say you should mostly think before you speak, it’ll save you a lot of trouble, the Lord gave us two ears and one mouth, to talk less and listen more. But if you’re just hanging out with friends and not really discussing anything specific, it’s okay to just go with the flow as well. Overthinking everything just like underthinking can be problematic.
So, yes always try to think enough before you speak but don’t venture into the territory of overthinking.
Now that we’ve covered a bunch of questions about why we can’t think before speaking and why we should, let’s get into the ways to achieve it. I’m going to tell you actionable ways on how to think before you speak.
The THINK Acronym
The ultimate think before you speak trick is the word THINK itself, an acronym.
Before speaking anything, just THINK; this is to ask yourself five questions: Is what I’m saying True, is it Helpful, is it Inspiring, is it Necessary, and is it Kind enough?
T For True: Always make sure whatever you are saying is true. Don’t try to make something up or add fuel to gossip just to have something to say. Just be honest and your words will immediately be more impactful.
H For Helpful: Helpful words are usually appreciated by everyone. So, if you have something to say that can be of help to someone, go ahead. But if you think that your words might be hurtful or mocking, then avoid speaking.
I For Inspiring: Saying something that’s encouraging, motivational, or inspiring is always a good idea. It can be anything from giving someone a small compliment on someone’s presentation to inspiring others to achieve their goals with your story.
N For Necessary: Speak when necessary or try not to speak. Often we need to warn people before they do something they shouldn’t or even explain a necessary concept to someone.
K For Kind: If you don’t have something positive and kind today, don’t say it. Humans are emotional beings and need reassurance from time to time. So, try not to be harsh with your words and don’t hurt others. It’s important to speak considerably and kind to everyone.
This is the golden rule on thinking before you speak, once you ask yourself these questions and get yes as the answer. You’re good to go! Because if what you speak passes this method with flying colors, it’s undoubtedly worthy of being said. Also, you can even put up a THINK before you speak poster in your room if you’d like to remember this method.
Wait, that’s not all; we’ve got more tips to assist you.
The Power of Mental Pause
Next up, utilize the power of your mental pause. In the words of a wise man, “Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace.”
Simply put, take a breather and compose your thoughts before jumping on the speaking train. Hasty words can trouble you for a long time, even after they have left your mouth. So, learn to press the pause button. Imagine it as a pause button that you use to rewind your thoughts, think of the right response, and finally, press play.
We all have a mental pause button that we can learn to use over time. It’s the time we take to respond and it’s absolutely normal. So, make it a habit to utilize your mental pause button to master how to think before you speak.
If you find the silence disturbing, just say, “I need a minute to ponder over this, thank you” before speaking. It’s always better to take some time to think before you speak. The pause helps you respond instead of reacting. You can also say, “I don’t think I know enough on this topic,” instead of forcing yourself to speak without knowledge.
Now on to the third tip, listen and listen carefully. A significant part of effective and thoughtful communication is listening. If you listen to others intently, you’ll be able to converse better and also partake in conversations without saying something awkward.
To give you an example, once at a social gathering, I was talking to a bunch of vegans. One of them probably mentioned that they do not think it’s okay to eat animal products, but I was busy using my phone and misunderstood because I didn’t listen properly and blurted out “Of course, non-vegetarian food is great.” And went on to talk about non-vegetarian food. I didn’t realize right away but it got awkward pretty quickly. So, it’s better to just listen and avoid such a blunder. Make sure you listen with your ears open if you’d like to think before you speak.
How to get into the habit of thinking before I speak?
One way of honing this habit is to have practice conversations with friends or peers about some impromptu topics. This will challenge you to think on the spot and you can then think before you give each response. First, start by taking as much time as you need and measure each response time. After a while, you can start running an actual or mental timer of a few seconds to think of a proper response before the time runs out. This will not only help you practice how to think before you speak but will also help you hone the skill of quick thinking on the spot. Such skills are very helpful in personal and professional situations in which you are required to think on the spot and showcase your intelligence or responsiveness. There are other ways to become a better quick thinker as discussed below.
Becoming A Quick Thinker
The sure-shot way of mastering thinking before speaking is becoming a quick thinker and improving your responses over time. Becoming a quick thinker makes your impression on people around you better and helps you perform well in unpredictable situations when you are required to speak. Many times you might have come across situations in your personal and professional life where you had to think on your feet but you could not come up with a proper response because you spent too much time thinking before you speak. Here are a few tips on how you can tackle such situations better:
1. Note down some responses you would like to give in these situations in the future.
2. Plan some generic positive remarks, comments, or stories you can use when asked to speak up without notice.
3. Think of some questions you can ask to change the conversation topic or deflect the conversation to another person.
These handy tips can help you go a long way in saving time when thinking before speaking and make you come off as intelligent and quick but still thoughtful.
So, I’m sure you understand how important it is to think before we speak. It’s a life skill that can help us grab opportunities and excel professionally and personally. Refer to the above table to get a quick glance at everything we’ve discussed and worked on your mental pause. I hope that I could help you with some useful tips!
Many times, unexplainable circumstances, death, or sickness visits us or the people close to us. And the reality is that life is not always good. It’s during these difficult trials that a lot of people lose their faith in God. The question is: what do you do when you can’t make sense of things?
I hope to help you shed some light on how God desires us to go through these unexplainable times.
Seasons In Everyone’s Life
There are seasons where we walk through the valley of the shadow of death (Pslams 23:4), and face the tribulations mentioned in John 16:33, but the Lord says to “be of good cheer,” not because it won’t hurt but because He has overcome the world.
God wants to teach us not only to celebrate our victories but learn to walk through things without them destroying our faith. Hebrews 11:6 says “it is impossible to please God,” not without understanding, but “without faith” (Ephesians 1:18, 4:18).
Truths About Suffering
There are four truths about suffering that I want to share with you.
Sin brought suffering, not God.
God used suffering to bring salvation.
God will end all suffering on the earth.
God uses suffering to refine us and if we do not refuse it, to define us.
Suffering is unavoidable because of sin.
As Christians, we have the promise that one day it will end. While we are here, however, we must learn how God teaches us to deal with suffering. His way will ensure healing and growth.
What To Do When You Don’t “Understand”
Hebrews 11:3 says that it’s “by faith we understand.” The starting point for our “understanding” as Christians is not in trying to understand the situation first, but in trusting God. God is asking you today, through your situation, “Can you trust Me?”
The world tries to understand things before understanding who God is. That’s why their understanding gets darkened and they think things like, “God doesn’t love me”, “God must be mean because He didn’t stop something from happening.”
You can’t dwell with God based on your understanding. You could only do that if He was just like you. But He is not like anything He created. What is the point of worshipping someone like you? Why trust somebody who has your limitations, weaknesses, and strengths?
Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” Until I settle into the seat of trust, His understanding cannot lead me.
My friend, if you try and understand the “why” and the “how” of every unfortunate circumstance, you will be left confused and clouded, doubting the goodness of God. But, if you settle in God’s truth, His understanding will guide your life.
Trust Him. Trust that He loves you and died on the cross for your salvation. And even if things in this world don’t turn out the way you planned, prayed, or asked, God is still in control and in the end, God will settle the score.
How To Deal With Suffering
We have to enlighten our understanding with the truth of God’s Word.
After Jesus’ resurrection, He enlightened the disciples’ minds by explaining the Scriptures. The problem happens when we take our theology from what we want to happen, instead of from the truth the Bible reveals to us.Instead of your mind creating an idea about God based on the current circumstances, allow the Word of God to show you the truth about who He is.
For example, if you ask yourself, “How do I know that He loves me?” the answer is because He did not allow sin to take its final course. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son” (John 3:16). Jesus loves you; He never stops loving you. That’s what the Truth says.
What Suffering Produces
If you are suffering, take refuge in the truth of this Scripture found in Romans 5:3-5, “…But we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
When you learn to glory in your tribulation, you begin to grow in God more. Not only in your character but in your hope. This hope will be what leads unbelievers to Christ, “be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you” (1 Peter 3:15).
Word of Advice
The Bible says, “In all this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1:6-7).
I encourage you when God removes the suffering, praise Him. But if suffering doesn’t end, if there are things you have to learn to live with – I am not saying to stop praying or give up trusting in God, but learn to suffer well. When the apostle Paul pleaded with the Lord three times to take ‘the thorn in the flesh’ away from him, the Lord told him in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Christians get confused when they feel depressed, offended, rejected, or have other negative feelings. “Why am I experiencing this after I accepted Jesus into my heart by faith?” In truth, the answer is both simple and yet, challenging. Your spirit is 100% regenerated upon believing in Christ and His cross. But, something more is often needed, the healing of soul wounds.
Types of Spiritual Wounds
What exactly are soul wounds and how do they affect us?
The answer is this: We have experiences all through our lives. Sometimes, the actions of others hurt us. And, we too, do things that are wrong. Our own sins can leave wounds in us. Additionally, there may be recurring, damaging behaviors from our families. Alcoholism is an example. Those generational behaviors cause pain. Cumulatively, each of these things can leave a mark behind or a measure of damage in your soul.
What is the Soul?
So, what is the soul? It is your mind, will and emotions, the source of your thoughts, decisions, and feelings. As mentioned, when you experience or participate in negative things in your life, imprints are left on your soul. For example, if a parent left home while you were growing up – in divorce, abandonment, or death, the pain you experienced as a child may remain in your mind as a “wound.”
As a result, when people seem to be leaving or not accepting you in some way in the present, your reaction to them may actually be an overreaction born out of retained pain. Having been “rejected” before, it can seem reasonable, even self-protective to not trust and be suspicious now. However, the current situation may not truly be abandonment or rejection, but the wound in you causes it to be perceived as such.
Imagine having been tremendously put down as a child, always made to feel inferior and lacking. As an adult, carrying this wound of criticism makes thinking well of yourself difficult. Compliments or praise can be hard to accept. Additionally, celebrating others’ successes is a struggle. “Everyone is doing better than I am” thoughts may eat away at peace – and not be true.
All of these (and more) are wounded ways of thinking that destroy quality of life. Relationships are affected. You don’t feel safe making intimacy difficult as the world is viewed through wound “lenses.”
Soul Wounds Affect Your Relationship with God
Most of all, because of soul wounds, your relationship with God and capacity to really flourish as a Christian person are diminished. Being preoccupied with wounds keeps you inwardly focused in repetitive, turbulent, negative thinking. Rather than fully encountering God and receiving all the blessing He has for you, you remain caught up in your ongoing pain and misconceptions.
But, do not worry.
All of us go through this to some degree. God so wants for you to be healed once and for all. Truly, He wants you healed in spirit, soul, and body.
How to Receive the Healing of Soul Wounds
Now, if any of this is sounding familiar to you; if you have times of repeatedly feeling blue, offended, lonely, or “different from everyone else,” it may be that some inner healing is needed.
Where do you start?
At times, we’re embarrassed as Christians if we appear not to have it all together. For example, you may say, “I don’t want to admit that I am jealous often.” Or, that, “I feel lonely and like I don’t fit in.” We often think Christianity is a “stiff upper lip” lifestyle where you must appear that you have it altogether even if you’re “dying” inside. This is nonsense. On the contrary, healing and maturing are part of this life like no other. Jesus can heal all things.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV
You do not have to tolerate feeling emotionally out of sorts again and again. Besides, the enemy loves this “doorway.” When you are struggling with thoughts and emotions, he will throw “fuel on the fire” with whispered lies, exaggerating those moods, and then bringing shame because of them.
Seeking Help for Healing
Do you need to seek someone else’s help to heal your soul wounds? Can you fix this on your own?
It may be helpful to share your struggle with a trusted, mature Christian friend, with a counselor, or a pastor. They can pray and meet with you until you feel improvement.
How can their prayers be phrased in order to be helpful?
They can command the jealousy, loneliness, or offense to be gone in Jesus’ name. Prayer may include asking Jesus to show you how He was present in situations in the past. These helpers can also pray for the opposite feelings (feelings of positivity to flood your mind and replace the wounded feelings.) And, Holy Spirit can be asked to come and restore those painful places.
You may need to be led in prayers of repentance – if you need to forgive someone, forgive yourself, trust God or seek Him more. Perhaps your spiritual life has lapsed.
In this way, the wounded places will be identified. You will be delivered from them. And, by the power and healing of the Holy Spirit your life will be renewed.
It is not always necessary for others to be involved. In fact, if you identify a weak place in your thinking and feelings – a recurring way of looking at the world or reacting to people that seems to be unhealthy, you can also pray by yourself for your healing. You can command the wounded feelings to go in Jesus’ name.
Then, pray for healthy and God-oriented feelings to replace the wounds.
Healing of Soul Wounds Scriptures
Finally, one of the most important things to do is to pray and declare scriptures full of truth over yourself In this way, you push drive out the negative and distorted thoughts and moods.
“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.” 3 John 2 NKJV
The passage above is so fundamental. God wants you to feel safe and whole in your mind and emotions. He wants you to be able to concentrate and to live with joy, not constant preoccupation and heaviness. God wants your soul to prosper.
Here are some other scriptures about our souls and God’s desire to give us minds free of fear, depression, and dark thoughts.
Scriptures to Pray and Declare
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. Whoever fears is not perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18 NIV
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 NIV
“For I [satiate] the weary soul, and I [replenish] every sorrowful soul.” Jeremiah 31:25 NKJV
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” Psalm 23:1-3 ESV
“The Lord … gathers together the outcasts of Israel. He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:2-3 NKJV
Finally, there are so many more verses like this to grab hold of and take as the truth of God’s desire for you. Brooding, being moody, being fearful, feeling small and unwanted, etc. – those things are not of God. In God’s transformation of you, He includes the healing of soul wounds.
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** By Pamela Morrison / Photo by Jessica Lewis at Pexels
“But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” ~ Matthew 6:15
What is forgiveness?
The definition of forgiveness is essentially the act of pardoning an offender. In the Bible, the Greek word translated “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”, as when a person does not demand payment for a debt. Jesus used this comparison in his parable of the unmerciful slave (Matthew 18:23-35) as well as when he taught his followers to pray “Forgive us our sins, for we ourselves also forgive everyone who is in debt to us” (Luke 11:4).
The Bible teaches that unselfish love is the basis for true forgiveness, since “it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Forgiving others means letting go of resentment and giving up any claim to be compensated for the hurt or loss we have suffered.
Why do we need to forgive?
Forgiveness is at the very heart of the gospel. Colossians 3:13 states, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” We were born sinners against God, but He loved us enough to send Christ, His Son to die for us.
In the same way, we are commanded to forgive those who do wrong to us, not just those who are asking for forgiveness, or those who are first-time offenders or whose wrongs seem forgivable. Jesus famously told Peter in Matthew 18 to forgive someone “seventy times seven” times and he makes the sobering statement that if we do not forgive others, our Father in Heaven will not forgive us (Matthew 6:15).
First and foremost, forgiving others is obedience, however, we also need to forgive others so that we don’t grow bitter. Resentment is a very unhealthy emotion; it hurts us far more than those who have affronted us or anyone else.
The Bible states this in Hebrews 12:15, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it, many become defiled.” As we release unforgiveness and all the bitterness and anger that comes with it, we are freed to live and serve with real peace and joy and to grow in spiritual maturity.
What forgiveness isn’t
A well-known pastor explained that many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don’t understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiving others must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it.
Trust, on the other hand, has to do with future behavior and it will likely take time to build or rebuild. Warren explains, “If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you.”
Forgiveness isn’t sweeping things under the rug and saying what the other person did or said was okay. Forgiveness is also not necessarily forgetting what happened. Depending on the situation, it may require a time of healing.
But if you hold on to the transgression like a trump card and play it every chance you get, you can be sure that unforgiveness is still present. This goes against Jesus’ command to forgive “seventy times seven” times. After all, remember that God has forgiven you more times than you will ever have the opportunity to forgive someone else.
How to forgive
How then do we achieve this “letting go,” which can feel like an impossible task? Even if we desire it; our emotions can rise up at the least expected time and overwhelm us with anger and pain.
In our own strength, forgiving others in the way we have received God’s forgiveness is impossible, but with God, nothing is impossible, and with His Spirit inside us we can go through a process that leads to true forgiveness.
Here are eight steps to help you truly forgive and have freedom in your life. If you have been significantly hurt by someone’s actions or words, working through these stages with a Christian counselor can be immensely helpful. Having someone to whom you can reveal your internal feelings and who will gently nudge you towards God’s word, can guard against stagnation, and those bitter roots which Hebrews 12 warns about.
8 Steps to True Forgiveness
1. Acknowledge the pain.
Working through pain can only happen once you admit you’ve been hurt. And acknowledging this can intensify the feelings. Tears, feelings of resentment and ruminating thoughts are a good indicator that something’s wrong. Don’t numb yourself or “stuff” the emotion down, as that cuts off the process of forgiving others before it’s even begun.
2. Think through things.
Try writing down what happened in a journal, or share with a trusted friend. Admit that what happened makes you feel sad or angry, and be honest about what emotions are rising up in you, even if it epitomizes unforgiveness and you think you shouldn’t feel that way.
3. Imagine being on the other side.
Think about a time when you have had to ask for forgiveness; how did it make you feel? When have you wronged another person, and did they extend forgiveness to you, or withhold it? The Bible directs us to do to others what we would have them do to us (Matthew 7:12) and so it can be helpful to put ourselves in their shoes for a moment.
4. Remember God’s forgiveness.
Reminding ourselves of the debt that God forgave us in Christ when we certainly didn’t deserve it, can help us forgive others. If we have been forgiven so much, how then can we hold onto grievances committed against us? This is another step in the process and doesn’t mean that you must be ready at this point to voice your forgiveness to your offender. This may not ever be possible, as the person may no longer be living. You can still forgive someone without that forgiveness being accepted.
5. Reflect on our Biblical command.
Jesus stressed the importance of forgiving others on many occasions and even included it in the Lord’s prayer, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Pray that this would hit home in your heart and that your decision to obey would force your emotions to catch up.
6. Let go of the hurt.
The devil is an expert at getting a foothold when we have made a choice to forgive but the wound is still sensitive. Don’t allow yourself to replay the offense over and over; let go of the pain and determine that you are going to choose to move forward. This is where prayer is essential as on our own we are tempted to wander back to unforgiveness.
7. Continue to forgive.
Forgiveness is more than just saying a prayer and moving on. It’s a serious decision that you make over and over again. The process will most likely be uncomfortable and painful, but it will always be worth it in the end.
8. Pray for the person who hurt you.
In Matthew 5:44 Jesus commands us “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Ask God to reveal his love to your offender in your heart, and for him to dissolve negative emotions. Is there any more powerful witness of God’s transforming grace than someone who can display true forgiveness to the “unforgivable”?
With promises found in Scriptures like Philippians 4:13 (“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength”) and Romans 12:21 (“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good”), we know that we can depend on God to give us the grace to live out forgiveness. Make the right choice – start a journey of forgiveness today, praying for the Lord to equip you for this difficult but eternally rewarding task.
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**By Jessica Oberreuter at LA Christian Counselling
Human trafficking earns global profits of roughly $150 billion a year for traffickers, $99 billion of which comes from commercial sexual exploitation ~ human rights first.org
With the explosion of smartphones, tablets, computers, and the Internet, it’s no wonder porn addictions are on the rise – even amongst Christians. The number of online porn viewers continues to soar day-by-day, minute-by-minute, and second-by-second with no definitive end in sight. Approximately 28,000 people view online porn every second, a new porn video is released every 39 minutes, and approximately 42% of porn-watchers visit one or more of the 4 million active online porn sites each day.
A porn addiction takes control of your life, leaving you feeling helpless and hopeless. This addiction presents differently in each individual, however, one thing that remains the same is the inability to stop or resist the urge to view porn.
As churches grapple with abuse of power revelations, should pornography be on the radar?
The big question was asked at a church convention, as to whether there’s a connection between porn use and abuse, the answer was a resounding yes, because “when you engage in and become addicted to pornography, you lose the sense of responsibility to protect the value and dignity of every person. Abuse of power is the same – using your power in ways that fail to protect the dignity of other people. If you lose that sensitivity of who we are as image bearers of God, then you are more inclined to abuse power in ways that are in line with that.” It was cited the distinction between a predator – someone who actively manipulates others for their own sexual gratification – and a wanderer – someone who doesn’t protect boundaries. “Pornography is being a wanderer at the very least,” she said. “You’re not protecting the boundaries of yourself or of others. So that’s also an abuse of power, and a violation of trust.”
One of the major issues discussed at the convention as how should we deal with sexual abuse inside the church? Motions were made for zero tolerance toward any act of sexual abuse and toward any church that tries to cover-up such abuse. However, the discussion failed to acknowledge factors within our churches that help to cultivate sexual abusers. That’s like wanting to rid our nation of drug addicts while ignoring the existence of drug dealers. If we’re serious about dealing with sexual abuse inside the church, then we also need to seriously address two issues within our church walls—pornography and promiscuity.
Pornography
Pornography is one of the most prominent breeders of sexual abuse. It not only promotes such abuse but is the key funding arm for sex trafficking, which is skyrocketing. That’s because the porn industry’s annual revenue is more than the NFL, NBA and MLB combined. Sadly, many active church attenders are helping to fund this industry.
More than half of pastors say that porn addiction is the most damaging issue in their congregation (57%). And the majority of pastors say porn has adversely impacted the Church (69%). So, why is pornography not included in the conversation about sexual abuse? In my opinion, it’s because dealing with sexual perversion also means dealing with promiscuity.
Scripture demands zero tolerance toward those who practice sexual sin in general—not just those who participate in its most perverted forms. Be sure that any sin thriving in our culture also exists within our churches. We cannot pervert what God intended without experiencing unintended consequences. To be clear, I am not equating those who are promiscuous with sexual abusers. My point is that the church has tolerated promiscuity for a very long time. And in doing so, we’ve seen the growth of sexual perversion. Sin is never static or controlled; it only grows in intensity and in its ability to cause destruction.
Denominational Resolution or Biblical Resolve?
Denominational resolutions pale in comparison to biblical resolve and obedience. Without a doubt, churches need to hold those who sexually abuse others accountable to the law. Victims of abuse should be shown compassion, given comfort, and receive counselling in order to overcome the harm done to them.
But if that’s all we do, then we’re stopping short. Churches who really desire to stand against sexual abuse must preach and practice the full counsel of God. I truly believe that as the standard for biblical purity is promoted and practiced, sexual abuse and perversion will become less prevalent in the Church.
What is sexual sin?
We all have something about ourselves that we don’t like, that we want to change, or that we’re embarrassed about. That’s just part of life. But there are sins that threaten to swallow us, that seek to absorb us, and that change the person we were meant to be. Those sins often lead to guilt and shame. Most often, the sins we feel the most shame and conflict about are sexual sins.
Sexual sins are pervasive. And though we live in a world that likes to teach that we can do anything we want with our bodies, our faith teaches that God’s plan is something very different than that way of life.
When God created the first man and woman, He created them in His image. He created them to complement each other, to have a natural intimacy, to enjoy monogamy, and to love each other unconditionally. This intimacy is born of mutual love, mutual respect, the giving of self, and so much more. This is the kind of relationship that God wants for us. Why? Because we learn about God’s love for us when we act in that love toward a spouse.
When sin entered the world, people began to believe it was their right to do whatever they wanted, especially with their bodies in regard to sexuality. Today, they mock the concept that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Pleasure has become a deity of its own. And people hold fast to the notion “as long as I’m not hurting anyone, it’s fine.” This “me” outlook overshadows all understanding that sexual sins often damage a person’s own self-esteem, their partners, their families, and even their faith.
Christians are not immune to the allure of pornography. A 2014 pornography survey done by Proven Men, a group that helps men overcome porn addiction, found that “the number of Christian men viewing pornography nearly mirrors the national average”:
97% have viewed pornography
64% view porn at least once a month
37% look at porn several times a week
Further, according to Covenant Eyes (a company that describes itself as “the pioneer of Internet and Screen Accountability™ software, empowering members to maintain their online integrity”):
1 in 5 youth pastors and 1 in 7 senior pastors use porn on a regular basis and are currently struggling. That’s more than 50,000 U.S. church leaders.
43% of senior pastors and youth pastors say they have struggled with pornography in the past.
64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women say they watch porn at least once a month.
Only 7% of pastors report their church has a ministry program for those struggling with porn.
However, according to the Barna research group, which conducted a survey in 2015, “Practicing Christians are more than three times less likely to use porn than other teens and adults (13% compared to 42%).”
Regardless of the exact numbers, it’s obvious that porn has an allure that many people—including Christians—struggle to say no to.
Promiscuity
Promiscuity and fornication aren’t words we hear much anymore. The free love movement of sixty years ago has come full circle. Because sex outside of marriage is now the norm, many churches no longer call it sin. God’s Word, however, is not ambiguous on the subject. The Bible associate’s sexual relations outside of God’s plan with being “unrighteous.” The apostle Paul wrote that “fornicators, adulterers, and homosexuals” (among others) “will not inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:9–10).
Paul doubles down in Ephesians 5:3-5. “But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.
Devastating Effects of Porn
Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense.
While many porn websites generate excitement for porn, we know the truth. Porn hurts people. It treats people like objects for pleasure. It gives the person who watches it a skewed vision of the true nature of sexuality. It leads to unhealthy desires, unhealthy attitudes about a sexual partner, and even the inability of men to become aroused in real-life situations.
Furthermore, porn hurts our relationship with God. In a 2017 study entitled “Seeing Is (Not) Believing: How Viewing Pornography Shapes the Religious Lives of Young Americans,” researchers found:
The more a person becomes drawn into the world of porn, the larger the wedge is inserted between her and God. And those who know that porn viewing is wrong begin to feel shame. Their disgust with themselves leads them to think that God has stopped loving them because of this sin. This self-loathing can then lead to increased porn usage, as they try to replace the intimacy and love of God and others with fabricated lust.
Can a Christian Overcome Porn Addiction?
First, pray. Talk to God and ask for His help in overcoming the desire to watch porn. Have an honest conversation with Him about your struggles. The temptation will likely come and go, so prayer must be your constant companion, seek forgiveness in confession.
In addition to prayer, there are some practical things you can do to help curb the temptation to watch porn. These include installing internet filters on your devices to block the porn sites or having an accountability partner to help you stay away from certain sites. But the most important thing you can do involves changing your mindset.
An example prayer for porn addiction and verses:
But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord. (Psalm 141:8)
I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman. (Job 31:1)
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. (Psalm 25:15)
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. (Psalm 119:37)
Heavenly Father,
I have been living a fantasy. I hardly feel the prick of conscience anymore. I have become numb and dumbed down in my humanity. I repent of this addiction to pornography. It alienates me from those I love and it alienates me from You, my God. It’s a lie, a trick of the devil. I receive the power of your blood that not only forgives me but cleanses me.
Please do forgive me. Please cleanse me. Drive out my sin. And help me to walk in the light, to experience the blessing of my sexuality under the safeguard of your heavenly standard.
Give me encouragement and accountability. Set me free from my chains. I receive Your Holy Spirit’s power to control my base impulses and to become the human being you have made me to be, ruling over myself and this world with you.
In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.
How Can Christians Conquer a Porn Addiction?
Porn addiction can be conquered with persistence, effort, time, dedication, faith, help, and God, of course. Still, the path to “salvation” will not be easy or quick. Understand that while other addictions (i.e., gambling, alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, etc.) are triggered by external stimuli, porn addiction is triggered by stimuli within the body, more specifically, within the mind (the parts of the brain responsible for memory, motivation, learning, and emotional responses).
Still, being dependent on porn can cause some Christians to experience a deep level of shame and embarrassment, causing them to feel as though God has “abandoned” or “shunned” them because of their behaviour. Because of this “faulty” assumption, some Christians “turn away” from God, other Christians, and the church altogether.
If you are suffering from porn addiction, fret no more, because there are steps you can take to get on the path to recovery.
These steps include the following:
Be Honest with Yourself
If you are Christian suffering from porn addiction, the first thing you’ll need to do to “free” yourself from it is, to be honest with yourself. Thus, the first step in “beating” porn addiction is to admit you are not exempt from sexual temptation. You can’t move forward if you can’t or won’t acknowledge that you have a problem with porn. More specifically, you can’t fully accept help and guidance from God and others until you admit that you’re suffering from porn addiction.
More specifically, you’ll need to acknowledge and accept that we live in a sex-crazed world where sexual temptation via sexual images on television shows, movies, magazines, advertisements, commercials, books, and web content infiltrates almost every area of our everyday lives. We can’t escape it; however, we can take responsibility in what we allow into our psyche, what we choose to watch, the music we listen too, social media sites we visit, we are to guard our eyes and ears as much as it is possible for us to do. Let’s begin with this fact: sexual attraction is not lust. God made us to be attracted to the opposite sex. It is not a sin to notice a beautiful woman or attractive man. It is only sin if we take that attraction to the next step. The sin is not the first look, but the second.
Jesus was clear: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).
Any desire for sexual relationship outside of marriage is wrong. Premarital or extramarital sexual relationship is wrong. Looking lustfully at another person, whether in person or on the Internet or television or magazine, is wrong. Lustful activity in a dating relationship is wrong.
Why? James, the half-brother of Jesus, knew the answer: “after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:15). Lust makes an eternal soul, a child of God, into a thing, a means to our end. It demeans us. It grieves the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, and uses the temple of God for immorality. And it never stops with the second look. It didn’t for David, a “man after God’s own heart.” It won’t with us, either.
Tell Someone
You can’t heal from a porn addiction if you keep it shrouded in secrecy. Thus, it is important to tell someone you trust about it. Addiction prospers in the darkness, so to banish or kill it, it must be brought to light. In other words, hiding the addiction only causes it to grow stronger. It strengthens its hold over you until it steals your livelihood.
Conversely, sharing your porn addiction with a trusted confidant can provide you with the porn addiction support you need to overcome it. Understand that this person doesn’t have to be a friend, family member, pastor, or someone from the Christian community. The only requirement is that you trust this person to tell you the truth, offer support, and respect your wishes.
If talking about your behaviour mortifies you – gather your courage, lean on your faith, and do it anyway. You’re not going to “kick this habit” alone, so you’ll need the support. If you could heal from your addiction alone, you probably would have conquered it a long time ago. However, you are still suffering from it, so it is time to tell someone what you’re experiencing.
Furthermore, telling someone about porn-watching, makes you accountable for your actions. In other words, once you tell someone, you can no longer pretend it doesn’t exist. And, because, it is no longer a secret, you are likely to take action to remedy it.
Turn to God
The Bible instructs “believers” to turn to God in times of sorrow and distress. So, the only way to truly combat a porn addiction, as a Christian, is to give the addiction over to God. If you turn to God, he will carry you through any trials (i.e., porn addiction) you experience.
As mentioned above, both Christians and non-Christians experience sexual temptation (desire and lust) and everyone, regardless of religious affiliation, is vulnerable to porn addiction. However, having faith, believing in God, and confessing your sins, along with reading the Bible and praying can help you heal from this dependency. But, understand that God’s ability to help you overcome this “fixation” lies in the depth of your faith.
Change Your Routine
One way to defeat a porn addiction is to change your routine and develop new habits. For instance, if your “porn habit” typically begins once your spouse and children have gone to bed, opt for a hot shower or warm bath, read, meditate, listen to calming music, or simply sleep instead of jumping on your computer, laptop, smartphone, or tablet. Make a vow to stay off of the Internet during this time.
And, if you are single or live alone and typically turn to porn, while eating dinner, use this time for non-Internet activities, such as calling a friend, turning on a funny sitcom or family movie, or listening to music. Remember, the goal is to avoid porn, which means staying off the Internet as much as possible.
Adopt Healthier Coping Mechanisms
If you are using porn to deal with upsetting, confusing, or negative events and/or emotions, you’ll need to learn healthier coping mechanisms to beat your addiction. For instance, if meeting people makes you feel uncomfortable, but you still want to feel a connection with someone, instead of turning to porn, focus on increasing your self-confidence by going out with friends, signing up for a class, developing a new hobby, joining a club or sports team, etc. The goal is to adopt healthier coping mechanisms, so you don’t feel the need to turn to porn when you’re bored, frustrated, depressed, lonely, anxious, or angry.
Stay Busy
To distract yourself from porn, you’ll need to stay busy. Frequent porn use is a habit often triggered by boredom. In other words, some Christians turn to porn because they simply don’t have anything else to do. Research suggests that in this COVID age of social distancing and lockdowns, porn use to skyrocket amongst all populations. Porn has become entertainment for some Christians – a habit that “can” eventually turn into an addiction.
Staying busy not only prevents boredom and occupies your time, but it can also help “squash” your “porn habit.” So, the next time you get the urge to watch online porn, take a jog around the neighbourhood, immerse yourself in a juicy book, volunteer at your local animal shelter, sign-up for an interesting class, develop a new hobby, join a club, head to the gym, or hang out with friends and family.
Use a Public Computer
If privacy is a condition of your porn use only use the Internet in public venues (i.e., library, school, coffee shop, or work) or when others are around. Move your computer or laptop to a common area like your living room or kitchen – places that people tend to frequent. And, refrain from surfing the internet in private (i.e., car, bedroom, bathroom, basement, etc.) The goal is to deter you from clicking on porn sites for fear of judgment and ridicule from others.
Attend Christian Counselling or Join a Support Group
A porn addiction thrives in secrecy and isolation, so the best way to crush it is to bring it out into the open where others can see it. Seeking help from a Christian counsellor and/or joining a porn addiction support group are two ways you can receive the porn addiction help and support you need to overcome your addiction. Sharing your concerns with a Christian counsellor and/or members of a support group can also help remove the shame and stigma often associated with porn use.
Furthermore, counselling and support groups can also reveal the root of your addiction (its origin), so can subdue your urges for porn. One of the best things about counselling and support groups is there is no judgment – only solutions. Counsellors and group members not only teach you how to effectively cope with your urges, but also how to prevent relapses and rely on God and the Bible for comfort, strength, and reassurance.
There Is Hope and Forgiveness in God
In 1 Corinthians, we read: “No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it” (1 Cor. 10.13).
And Proverbs tells us: “Those who conceal their sins do not prosper, but those who confess and forsake them obtain mercy” (Prov. 28.13).
There is no disputing God’s love. It’s a love we cannot even fathom. Because of this immense love, He will forgive us if we seek forgiveness.
The first step to living a life without a reliance on porn is to admit how destructive it has become. Whether you are married or single, you must acknowledge that it hurts you and all of your relationships—with your partner, with your children, with God, and even with your friends.
Just as it keeps you from true intimacy with your spouse, it keeps you from an intimacy with God.
But you can overcome the reliance on pornography and have a truly beautiful and amazing intimate relationship with God. How? You must work toward strengthening that relationship over time through prayer and through your actions.
Final Thoughts
Pornography hurts. It hurts individuals. It hurts relationships. It hurts families. And it hurts our relationship with God. Christians are not immune to the temptations of the world. In fact, some might say we are even more prone to temptation, as the devil seeks out those who are close to God in an attempt to ruin the relationship.
Christ taught us that “a thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy” but that He “came so that [we] might have life and have it more abundantly” (John 10.10).
In Christ, we can have the intimacy we desire. We can have the love we need. We can have goodness and joy we crave.
He is beckoning. Let us resolve to go to Him and sin no more.
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*** Article by Dr Langham at Stop Together + Jim Denison at Denison Forum + Angela Rietsma Bick at Christian Courier + Bucky Kennedy Ministries + Susan Ciancio at Human Life International / Prayer by Mark and Jill Herringshaw / Photo by Anirudh Bhatnagar at Pexels
“There’s something valuable about remembering death, and thinking about it. When we think forward it urges us on to live a worthwhile life now. And when I stand before God, I’ll definitely at that time be thinking about how I wish I had lived. But the wise ones are the ones who consider that question now, and not just consider that question, but they do something about it”
“When I come to die (or the Lord returns first), will I say, “I wish I could have showed the Lord more how much He means to me.”
“One of my goals in this life is to gain the continual habit of gently turning my attention away from distraction and back to the Lord and His presence, throughout every day.”
“Our disposable life can be a cup full of devotion to Christ – devotion means : Christ is EVERYTHING to me. The disposable cup full of Christlikeness to live here and please the Lord not just outwardly, but inwardly from the heart with pure love and intentions flowing out of us. The disposable cup full of humility which lifts the Father and Jesus up, and is happy to go down and decrease because He is increasing. The disposable cup full of trust and faith which bows before God’s wisdom and love, in the midst of great pain and years of suffering – contently committing ourself to the Lord’s hand through it all to do as He will”
Full Article
One of the most challenging things Paul said was in Acts 20:24“I consider my life worth nothing to me…” (NIV). I read mainly the NASB translation of the Bible today, but I learned this verse in the NIV and as a teenager I was so challenged by what Paul said there. What a challenge Paul gave us in his example.
We can tell a lot about ourself by what pops up in our phone apps and on our computers, in our web browsers – Recommended videos, and ads, etc. Companies spend billions to track our behavior and recommend us content they think we will consume. So in a sense I suppose at least some of what comes back to me is a reflection of myself – and my interests.
But I was surprised the other day that Youtube recommended me a really random video, I have no idea why. The video was a live stream of a memorial of a random lady who had recently passed away a day or two earlier. This was not a famous lady – it was an older woman who lived in the U.S. somewhere, and the funeral home where her service was had a Youtube channel which livestreamed the services. And for reasons unknown to me, it popped up in my recommended videos.
At first I was confused and ignored it, but then I was reminded of Ecclesiastes 7:2 : “It is better to go to a house of mourning Than to go to a house of feasting, Because that is the end of every man, And the living takes it to heart.” So I clicked on it and started watching.
There’s something valuable about remembering death, and thinking about it. When we think forward it urges us on to live a worthwhile life now. And when I stand before God, I’ll definitely at that time be thinking about how I wish I had lived. But the wise ones are the ones who consider that question now, and not just consider that question, but they do something about it (see the parable of the wise and foolish virgins in Matthew 25).
So I clicked on that live stream (which had been going on for a little while already – so I scanned through it), and I watched family members talk of this womans life – the challenges she went through, losing a husband who died somehow when the kids were young. Trying to raise her daughters in the right way, and be there as a support to her grandkids in the midst of everything.
But the thing that touched me most is what her granddaughter said. She said weeping, “I wish I could have told you more how much you mean to me.” And I thought of people that have passed away in my life, and how we definitely often have that thought: “If only I had one more day…”
But then I realized something even more important on the exact same lines, but not toward loved ones. Toward God: we have JUST this one life to show God how much He means to us.
And here’s the question: When I come to die (or the Lord returns first), will I say, “I wish I could have showed the Lord more how much He means to me.”
And it flips my perspective on everything when I think like that. How much more I wish I would have strove against sin harder in my inner life, to spend plain and simple time with Him – not with masterful professional prayers but just 2 friends alone with each other – Jesus and I. To love Jesus by loving others and showing them mercy and encouragement, to be content in all trials and suffering for His sake, to praise Him in them. To labor WITH God for salvation of others by praying for them and never giving up, to seek His presence always, and treasure Him above all. To despise the things of earth, and to consider everything of earth rubbish for His sake – to know Him and to please Him.
What a chance we have now. But we only have it now. 2 Cor 6:2 “… Behold, now is “THE ACCEPTABLE TIME,” behold, now is “THE DAY OF SALVATION”
I’ve heard it said, “A man is what the thinks about all day.” One of my goals in this life is to gain the continual habit of gently turning my attention away from distraction and back to the Lord and His presence, throughout every day. Not to fix my gaze on ‘other cares’. It’s not easy. I don’t think many Christians ever attain that type of closeness with the Lord. But the Lord put in my heart the desire for that life, and I believe that this is the way to keep doing everything for the love and glory of God (1 Cor 10:31) – to carry my cross with Jesus in my sights (Heb 12:2) and in my heart. Otherwise it’s like a wife who cooks and cleans the home, and doesn’t leave – but has no desire for her husband, no intention to love and be with him. It can be lifeless. I have to keep the Father and Jesus in my heart in the midst of all of this. I need the right life WITH the right motive.
The Lord gave me a picture one time: I like to drink coffee in disposable cups. I enjoy the coffee. But the cup is basically value-less except for what it holds for a temporary time. I throw it out after. And I saw – that is EXACTLY what our life is: Disposable. That’s what Paul said “my life is worth nothing to me.. if only I may finish my course” (Acts 20:24). The only value this life holds is what it can contain of Jesus in this passing moment that we are here. It’s disposable. It’s a disposable life – but can be full of treasure while it is here for a little time, before it’s thrown out.
Our disposable life can be a cup full of devotion to Christ – devotion means : Christ is EVERYTHING to me. That devotion is the valuable thing this disposable life can hold for a time. The disposable cup full of Christlikeness to live here and please the Lord not just outwardly, but inwardly from the heart with pure love and intentions flowing out of us The disposable cup full of humility which lifts the Father and Jesus up, and is happy to go down and decrease because He is increasing The disposable cup full of trust and faith which bows before God’s wisdom and love, in the midst of great pain and years of suffering – contently committing ourself to the Lord’s hand through it all to do as He will
This is the eternal value which our disposable cup can hold for some time until we take it into eternity.
James 4:14 “…You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”
And it is spiritually very helpful – thinking about the future and our end (even in the form of watching Youtube memorials of strangers!) – to meditate on: what will matter 1000 years from now? Or even 100 years from now? This helped me early on in my Christian life. And I’m working to try to teach my kids about this today.
Here’s a poem which also challenged me when I was younger and I heard it – to live more seriously for God now, and to fix my mind on things above (Colossians 3:2):
100 YEARS FROM NOW It will not make much difference, friend, A hundred years from now, If you live in a stately mansion Or on a floating river scow; If the clothes you wear are tailor-made Or pieced together somehow, If you eat big steaks or beans and cake A hundred years from now.
It won’t matter about your bank account Or the make of car you drive, For the grave will claim your riches and fame And the things for which you strive. There’s a deadline we all must meet And no one will turn up late, It won’t matter then all the places you’ve been, Each one will keep that date.
We will only have in eternity What we gave away on earth, When we go to the grave we can only save The things of eternal worth, What matters, friend, the earthly gain For which some men always bow? For your destiny will be sealed, you see A hundred years from now.
With the growth of social media platforms, online games and instant messaging apps, children are able to talk to anyone – friends or strangers – from around the world within minutes. This can benefit many by making them feel less isolated but for some, it can leave them vulnerable to grooming.
Foreword by Victor Marx at All Things Possible, “I recently got to share some insights into protecting children on Freedom Talk with Kelly John Walker for an eight-part series of powerful sessions for fathers. Below is an excerpt from the Fathering in a World Gone Mad seminar, where I share some of the biggest threats to your children and how to keep them safe: Parents, those of you who don’t know me… my nickname is I’m the Pedophile Hunter. And we do work overseas in different parts of the globe. But here in the U.S., we actually started a task force. So I’m telling you, from practical, real life experience — from helping get women and children from ISIS to messing up cartel action, to stuff in other parts of the country I can’t even mention. But I would say this: Don’t look for the white van to open up and grab your kid. The biggest problems you’re going to encounter is the phone and the computer. That’s the two biggest — phone and computer. The next will be someone you know. It’ll be a relative, a neighbor, a kid’s friend, boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s very easy to think of extremes. Those do happen. What you have to be aware of is your child being groomed by somebody online. And I’m talking even gaming. I just got info from the FBI saying there are groups targeting children to get them to provide nudes and videos of them. It’s happening widespread. Last year, there were 33 million transfers of child sexual abuse material in the U.S. Out of 33 million known tips of this stuff, only about 300 got prosecuted. The police are not the answer. 911 is not the answer for your children. It’s you. If your kid wants to be on a cell phone or a computer, let them sit at the table. There’s no shame in that. Not their back to you. If there’s something they’re trying to hide or are uncomfortable with, they shouldn’t be on it. When they say, “That’s my own privacy,” you just go, “Yeah, not these days, not in our home.” I’m not going to check anything unless I get a ping about a word or something that comes up or an image. But folks, please, it’s the phone, it’s a computer. It’s someone you know that will try to compromise your child by grooming them, getting them feel to comfortable. And then, of course, as always, it’s the outside predators. Find out more about this seminar and how to access it at bit.ly/fathering-series.”
Protect your child
Online grooming can be a difficult issue to tackle with children but there are practical tips and tools you can use to help them recognise when they are at risk and take action.
The meaning of grooming
Grooming usually refers to child sexual abuse. However, groomers also target children for purposes such as radicalisation, drug trafficking (county lines) and financial gain.
How perpetrators groom children
Groomers first befriend a child. Online, this could be someone they have never met. A groomer might pretend they’re the same age as your child; because there is a screen between them, your child can’t know who the other person is for sure.
Alternatively, a groomer may tell the truth about who they are, which some young people may see as a benefit. For example, a child without an older role model might feel a connection to an older person who treats them well.
Once a groomer gains a child’s trust, they can manipulate them to do what they want. Children and young people may have trouble saying no to someone who has built a relationship with them, making it easy for online grooming to happen.
If someone targets your child online for sexual purposes, the victim may not recognise it as abuse. The groomer might have made them feel special or could be an older child. Unfortunately, a child abused in this way may not seek help right away, so it’s important to look out for the signs of sexual abuse to take action.
Signs could include:
changes in behavior
knowledge of adult issues inappropriate for their age
starting to bed wet
avoidance of social situations
alcohol or drug abuse
unexplained school absences
It is important to look out for other changes that might be signs of other types of online grooming as well. These might include:
strange followers, friends or interactions online
multiple accounts on apps and platforms
unexplained devices in their possession
How do I protect my child from being groomed?
A short video from CEOP about online grooming and how children can become targets and what parents can do to prevent this. Grooming can be a tricky subject to talk about with your children, the tips below video will help.
From our research, we know that online ‘stranger danger’ is a concern, particularly for younger children. The key thing to remember is that equipping children with the right advice to make smarter choices online can minimize the risks of exposure to online grooming.
The best way to deal with grooming is to prevent it from happening by making sure your child is well-informed, uses privacy settings on social media sites and knows that they can talk to you if they feel unsafe or worried. Teach your children how to stay safe online:
Keep personal information private
Private details which could identify them in the real world – name, age, gender, phone number, home address, school name, and photographs – should only ever be shared with people they know.
Privacy settings
Spend time together looking at the privacy settings that can benefit their online safety. It’s always best to assume that default settings are public and should be changed accordingly. We’ve got some advice on using privacy settings on the most popular social apps.
Reviewing apps, site, apps and games they use
You will probably use social networks yourself, but you might want to know about new ones that your child is using or wants to use. Use them yourself and set up your own account so you can experience what your child might see. There are also many child-friendly social networks they could use while they get ready for the likes of Snapchat and Instagram.
It’s also important to explore the types of activities they do online. Live streaming, YouTube shorts, video games and social media sites all have different forms of communication. Have conversations about their digital use to stay in the know.
Know who their friends are
Talk to them about being cautious about what they share with people online. Remind them that even though people they’ve met online might feel like friends they may not be who they say they are.
Stay safe online and in real life
Never arrange to meet someone they only know online without a parent present.
Encourage children to talk to someone
If something makes your child worried or uncomfortable online their best course of action is always to talk to an adult they trust. You can also direct them to organisations such as Childline.
Blocking software
There is a range of new apps and software that block, filter and monitor online behavior. You’ll need to decide as a family whether this is the right approach for you, taking into consideration your child’s age and maturity, and their need for privacy.
Negotiating the gaming world
In some games like Minecraft or Roblox people deliberately try to intimidate other players. In multi-player games where gamers talk to one another – you might find abusive language, harassment and there have been instances of grooming. It’s vital therefore that your child knows how to report abuse and talks to you if something is causing them concern.
Discuss online grooming with your child
Be approachable
Let them know you are there to help them if they get into trouble online – and if they are concerned about something they can come to you.
Openly discuss online relationships and friendships
Find out what sites they go to, where they met their online friends, how they communicate, and what information they share. Make sure they know that having thousands of online ‘friends’ isn’t always safe.
Talk to teens about groomers online
Teenagers may be very protective of their online network and feel you are interfering with their private lives. However, one of the best ways to support child protection is to make them aware of online harms.
Explain online impersonation
Explain how easy it is to pretend to be someone else online, and why an adult may wish to approach them.
Teach younger children how to stay safe online
Talk about grooming as you would stranger danger – a stranger is anyone you don’t know, whether in real life or online. Tell them they shouldn’t talk privately or give personal information to anyone they don’t know. Discuss with them what ‘personal information’ is.
Grooming can happen between older children and younger children as well. Learn more about child-on-child abuse to keep yourself and your child informed. For more information about online grooming and protection check out their website Internet Matters
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** Foreword by Victor Marx at All Things Possible ministry who has shared his incredible story of overcoming childhood abuse, addiction, and trauma to become a humanitarian, author, and speaker. Learn how he found God, discipline, and success through military life and faith in God here with his amazing testimony that has helped bring healing to so many people / Article by Internet Matters website Internet Matters / Photo by pexels
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . . Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
Sermon by Pastor Vlad Savchuk “What Type of Sex is OK in Marriage?” Please note that this is of mature content.
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. ~ Hebrews 13:4
Have you ever wondered what God says about sex inside of marriage and what is allowed and not allowed? Here Pastor Vlad Savchuk answers this question in the video above. He has had to counsel many couples on the subject matter and now brings the topic into the open, as it’s deemed a taboo topic within the church community and hardly ever discussed in the church or in the household, except for to abstain from sexual activity outside of marriage. Sometimes it has been deemed to be dirty and sinful act, however sex is something that God created to be enjoyed within the marriage covenant and is a beautiful thing to help bond the relationship between a husband and wife. However, as we know what the Lord creates for good the enemy corrupts, clearly seen in the world today. In a day and age where anything goes, even within the church community, the world has polluted our minds, so it’s good to get clarification on what’s permissible and the liberties that one has within the marital covenant.
If the topic of sex is not discussed within the church community with the biblical truth, then our youth will seek the answers elsewhere and the enemy is always waiting in the wings to provide the information that will corrupt impressionable minds, as well as defile the temple of the holy spirit (i.e., our bodies). As the saying goes, “we cannot continue to send our children to Caesar for their education and be surprised when they come home as Romans.”
Transcript of the video “What Type of Sex is OK in Marriage?” by Pastor Vlad Savchuk:
The Marriage bed. What is allowed? What is not? What is okay to do?
Is it okay do this or is it okay to do that?
Warning! This video is not suitable for all audiences. This is going to be of mature content and please be careful who is listening to it, if you are watching this somewhere in the living room or in the house.
“Marriage bed undefiled” the Greek word here for undefiled is only used in this exact form four times in the New Testament and it means uncontaminated, and set apart. So, what is not okay? What is the defiling of the marriage bed? Let’s look at four things that I believe defile marriage bed.
Number one is adultery.
Now obviously, we know that it is sin. It’s wrong. Matthew 19:9, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4, indicate that adultery is a sin. We see this in the ten commandments. Spouse swapping is also adultery. They have T.V. shows, they have practices today in our culture where adultery is portrayed as good. We are experimenting. We are trying something out something different, and the Bible still calls that adultery. So, adultery is definitely a no, no.
The second thing that’s not good, that’s not okay, and it’s a sin is threesomes.
Threesomes is when more than two people are engaged in sexual intercourse. And it’s done with permission or it’s done with consent. People are okay doing that. And some people say that hey, it’s completely fine as long as we’re are all on the same boat. Some people even use the Bible to say, “Well, look, Jacob had two sisters that he had sex with.” Well, not really. Yes, polygamy was permitted even though it was not God’s perfect will because Jesus from the beginning stated that divorce and polygamy and all this other stuff; it was not there from the beginning and therefore it’s not God’s will. but it was allowed for that time for the nation of Israel.
But Jacob was not sleeping with Rachael and Leah at the same time. There is not one instance. On the opposite, they would fight so that Jacob would go and sleep with Leah because he was planning to go and spend the night with Rachael. And so, we don’t see one indication or event hint that Jacob slept with both of the two sisters together. And that is wrong and that is not okay and the Bible condemns that.
The third thing is virtual adultery or we call it porn.
Bringing porn into your marriage, Pornography is going to destroy your marriage. I’ve known people who have wanted to spice up their sex life and they brought porn and both of them were I guess okay watching porn. Usually, one person is kind of hesitant, the other person is like super fired up in cases like these. Most of the marriages that I know who did that if they did not repent, their marriages fell apart.
You are inviting demons into your marriage and plus it’s so unfair for marriage to compare to pornography because pornography is acting, and it’s adult acting. It takes days to make a 40-minute porn video and most of those people are on drugs.
They are using drugs to get through this career that they are in. And afterwards a lot of them, they don’t do really well. It really takes a huge toll on their life. There is so much abuse that happens there. And if you watch the testimonies, and I’ve watched quite few testimonies who were in that industry, and they testify of how dark and how horrible that place is. And so, when you take out of that place, which is a place of drugs, which is a place of abuse, which is a place of unrealistic- that’s not even real and you bring that into your marriage bed thinking that’s all we need, very soon those spirits that are operating behind those people and that industry will come into your life through those films and they will destroy your marriage to the ground or your sexual life to the ground.
Number four is rape.
What’s not allowed. So, we’ve mentioned adultery, threesomes, watching porn, and rape. Colossians 3:19, I want to mention. So, the problem with rape and I had to deal with in my pastoral work I would say, or ministry where some spouses, men in particular feel like it’s not rape because of 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, my wife’s body belongs to me therefore I am entitled, therefore I can demand and I could force sex on my spouse. But– that’s first all, misquoting that Scripture and taking it out of context. Rape is all non-consensual sex within marriage or outside of it. Most people think rape is only outside of marriage. So, if I have non-consensual sex with somebody it’s rape but if I am married to this person, it’s not rape. They owe me. I’m just taking what’s mine. Are you? Is it yours or does that body belong to Jesus?
Are you simply claiming what’s yours or are you being a rapist? Rape is non-consensual sex even within marriage. Forcing it and demanding it is not what the Scripture in 1 Corinthians 7 is talking about. 1 Corinthians 7 is talking about giving satisfaction in sex. Serving the other person in sex. Not demanding and not forcing sex on your spouse. So, if you are using that verse to justify a forced or demanding or you are entitled kind of attitude towards sex as a man, you are misquoting the Bible and that’s not a character of Christ. Because in that verse it’s talking about serving your spouse not making them your slave.
Now what about what’s okay in the marriage bed?
So, we’ve mentioned some things that defile the marriage bed but now let’s look at some things that are honestly, sex Toys, Oral Sex, Different Positions is it okay or is it not okay? Things like oral sex, things like different positions sex toys. So here are concerning these things that I want to bring first of all like a basic framework of how each couple should decide whether oral sex, sex toys or different positions are allowed. Because there is really no one way or the other way in the Bible even though I know some people are very strong set on against oral sex or some people have said “Hey, it’s okay to have oral sex in marriage.” Some people are against sex toys and some people are like “Oh, it’s okay to have sex toys.”
And I’m going to touch on each of them in just a moment but here are the three questions you should ask before you can determine if this is okay for you or not.
The first question you should ask is if the Scripture condemns it. Is it prohibited in the Scripture? Because if it’s not you can assume it is permitted.
The second question that we have to ask is, is this beneficial? Is this harming me, or is this harmful or is this helpful? Now, I get these questions from Apostle Paul’s writings. Apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 6:12 he says: So, the first questions is like is it lawful? Is the Bible against it? If the Bible is silent, okay, maybe it’s permitted.
Number two, is this harmful? Is this beneficial? Like is there physical harm to this activity or not? And is this going to bring your marriage together or you are going to separate after that? Like, you are going to drift apart.
And then third one, and this is the big one, this is the biggest deal breaker for any kind of topic that a lot of couples ask about concerning different sex acts or positions. Is the other spouse on board with it? Is there mutual consent? Is this spouse forced into what she’s not comfortable with? If that’s the case then it’s not okay. Even if the Bible is not against it even if you’re like, “Oh, there is no harm in this”, but the other spouse is not consenting to it the other spouse is not comfortable with it then it’s not okay for your marriage.
So, if you can’t deprive yourself from your spouse without consent, you need consent to explore each other in this particular way that you may have a question with your spouse’s permission and their consent. And if they are not comfortable, you can’t push it you can’t force it.
Now few thoughts on oral sex.
The Bible does not condemn oral sex within marriage. We don’t see strong condemnation against it. Outside of marriage, oral sex is still sex and it’s sin. And so, it’s never supposed to be used as an alternative to actually having intercourse for unmarried couples. Sometimes people are like, “Yeah, we are just messing around.”
No! You are committing fornication if you are having oral sex with your girlfriend or with your boyfriend. Period! Now within marriage oral sex is free from sin as long as there is mutual consent. In fact, some people go as far as to say that there are verses in the Bible that indicate or speak of oral sex in Song of Solomon. In Song of Solomon 2:3 where the fruit represents the male genitals and in Song of Solomon 4:16 where the garden throughout the Book of Song of Solomon is speaking or is used for vagina. And so, if you read those verses, you can get pretty much the implication that this is referring to oral sex. But again, each marriage bed is going to be different depending on what each person is comfortable with. When it comes to oral sex, I would really encourage because usually it’s the guys who are like, “Yeah, I want to do it. I want my wife to do it.” But are those desires fuelled and created because you watched pornography? Or they are just godly desires to explore your spouse in an intimate way?
And a lot of times in the area of marriage, one of the spouses feels very grossed out by this idea because of the abuse or because of the way they grew up where the idea of sex in marriage was very gross. I remember I heard a testimony of one guy, he was a prophet actually he’s still alive. I think he has like 17 kids and he claimed that he has never seen his wife naked. And they have 17 kids. I don’t know how they did it but they did it somehow.
And some of the religious upbringing have this very very strict idea on marriage bed where like, God is there watching or God is just leaving the room like come on, get it done with quickly. You know, move on with your life. But God created sex and He wants us to have joy and enjoy it and have pleasure and explore each other and get to know each other as long as it is done in a way that does not bring another person into that marriage bed whether virtually or physically. As long as you are not bringing fantasies also about somebody else onto your spouse and as long as there is consent to that. And so it will depend on each couple and it’s a liberty that each couple has to exercise. There is really no rule against or for it when it comes to oral sex.
Now sex toys.
And I reached out to our marriage ministry, kind of asked them of this also advice on this. I think that people don’t need sex toys in their marriage bed but I’m going to read something that they sent to me. It’s a conversation that they had with one person who said this: The same thing as can people masturbate outside of marriage? It’s something that is wrong, I believe. And so, I think that when it comes to this, when it comes to sex toy even though the Bible does not explicitly say anything against it or for it, I think that if it replaces your spouse or if you can no longer satisfy your spouse that you need a toy now, then you really are already kind of adding some foxes in your vineyard. And you should examine what is happening really in your heart and what’s happening with the quality of your marriage. Because sex is not really– it’s really like a revealer of what’s happening in your marriage. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker like where it makes your marriage, as much as it reveals if your marriage is doing good or is broken. So my stance on this I think that couples should abstain from it.
Anal sex.
I know that in our culture it’s portrayed now as it’s okay and it’s something that people push for and go for especially because of pornography that it’s being pushed in our culture. Now I want to mention something about that, what it’s not. Some people misuse the Scripture in the Old Testament to say that anal sex is bad because of those Scriptures. I think anal sex is bad and I don’t think you should practice it but not because of those Scriptures.
So let me read to you from Gotquestions.org, I honestly agree with that. And so, I think that it’s– you might not find a Scripture that it’s wrong but I do think it’s unhealthy, it’s not safe and I think the couple should abstain from it. And those ones who are really eager to experiment some of this little craziness should really maybe get delivered from pornography or effects of pornography because a lot of it is watching porn in your past that can affect and give you ideas and fantasies on how you should have or explore your spouse in your marriage.
Conclusion
The more your eyes are pure, the more your heart is pure the more the pleasure will be pure in your marriage. And you don’t need to do anything to add to it from the world or from the practices of adult stars or practice all of this kind of immorality.
I hope that this brought some clarity. I do know that this a very sensitive topic. If some of you are going to unsubscribe after this, it’s completely fine but I do know that not a lot of people are brave to mention or even talk about this. I was kind of hesitant about it. I asked my wife for permission and also had our marriage ministry to kind of go through my notes as well so that I could bring some clarity on this topic. There is a book I read after I got married called, “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman. I think that what’s the book was about. It deals with sexual relationship from a medical point of view. He is a Christian guy. Even though I don’t agree on some things, but it also brought also a lot of clarity to me and we even recommend it to married couples. And so that’s something that I would leave as a resource to you.
God bless you. Thank you very much for watching this video.
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***By Pastor Vladimir Savchuk of Hungrygen Church / Photo by Pexels
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