The passage from (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ESV) offers a powerful picture of what love truly looks like. It moves beyond feelings and shows us that love is something we practice daily—in how we speak, how we act, and how we treat others. At the same time, it gently invites us to reflect on an uncomfortable truth: it’s often easier to desire this kind of love than it is to consistently give it.
We see the ultimate example of this love in Jesus Christ. On the Cross, He gave Himself fully, patiently, and selflessly for the sake of others—even when humanity was undeserving. His love bore all things, forgave wrongs, and endured suffering for the good of others. This is the standard love we are invited to reflect and live out in our daily lives.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Love is patient. Love is patient. It does not rush people or force outcomes but allows others the space to grow. Patience also means respecting boundaries—understanding that real love does not pressure, control, or push past what someone is comfortable with.
Love is kind. It is expressed through actions, words, and tone. Speaking respectfully to others in a gentle, loving voice is a reflection of true kindness. Love builds up rather than tears down, even in difficult moments.
Love does not envy or boast. It celebrates others instead of competing with them. Where envy compares and resents, love finds joy in another person’s success and chooses gratitude over rivalry. Humility keeps love from seeking attention or elevating itself above others.
Love is not arrogant or rude. It treats people with dignity and respect at all times. It does not belittle, shame, or take advantage of others, especially in moments where they are vulnerable or lack power.
Love does not insist on its own way. It is not self-seeking. It does not manipulate or use people for personal gain but considers the needs of others with fairness and sincerity.
Love is not irritable or resentful, nor is it spiteful. It does not deliberately provoke, irritate, or disturb others for personal satisfaction. Actions done with the intention to unsettle or disrupt, goes against the very nature of love. Love chooses understanding and consideration, even when it would be easier to act out of frustration or indifference.
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. It does not hold onto past mistakes as weapons for the future. Instead, it forgives, releases, and makes room for growth and restoration.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. It does not misuse authority or act superior because of its position. When given influence or leadership, love leads with humility and refuses to exploit others.
So what is love?
Love is not merely something to be received—it is something to be practiced. It is patient, kind, respectful, and selfless. It honors boundaries, speaks with gentleness, and refuses to take advantage of others.
Just as Jesus demonstrated on the Cross, love is often sacrificial, choosing the good of others even at great personal cost. Many of us want to be loved this way. The question this passage leaves us with is simple, but not always easy: Are we willing to live it out first, following the example of Christ?
In a world increasingly shaped by feelings over truth, many have come to believe that love requires agreement—that to truly care for someone, you must affirm their identity, their choices, and even their errors. But that is not the pattern we see in Christ Jesus. The life and ministry of Jesus reveal something far deeper, far stronger, and far more liberating than mere affirmation: truth-filled love.
Jesus was undeniably compassionate. He drew near to the broken, the rejected, the outcast, and the sinner. He did not wait for people to clean themselves up before engaging them; He met them in their mess, in their confusion, and in their pain. Yet His compassion was never expressed through compromise. At no point did He affirm what was false in order to make someone feel comfortable. His love was not rooted in approval—it was rooted in redemption.
Love Does Not Compromise Truth
When Jesus declared,
“I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6)
He was not merely describing something He possessed—He was revealing who He is. Truth is not just something Jesus spoke; it is His very nature. Because of this, it would be impossible for Him to affirm a lie without denying Himself.
This is where modern thinking often collides with biblical reality. Today, love is often defined as unconditional affirmation—support without correction, acceptance without transformation. But the love of Christ is not passive; it is active and purposeful. It does not leave people where it finds them.
Jesus never said, “Remain as you are and be affirmed.” He said,
“Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”
To follow Him is to be changed by Him.
Compassion Without Compromise
Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus extending extraordinary grace to those society rejected. He touched lepers, dined with tax collectors, and spoke with those labeled as sinners. Yet in every interaction, there was a consistent thread: He loved them fully, but He never validated the sin that bound them.
When He encountered the woman caught in adultery, He did not join in her condemnation—but neither did He ignore her sin. His words were both merciful and direct:
“Go and sin no more.”
In that moment, we see the perfect union of grace and truth. Mercy did not cancel truth; it made transformation possible.
This reveals a critical distinction: Loving someone does not mean agreeing with everything about them. In fact, true love refuses to affirm what is destroying the person it cares for.
The Great Physician Speaks Truth
In Mark 2:17, Jesus says:
“Those who are well don’t need a doctor, but the sick do.”
This statement is not just descriptive—it is deeply revealing. Jesus identifies Himself as the Great Physician, one who comes to heal what is broken. But healing requires diagnosis, and diagnosis requires truth.
A doctor who ignores illness to protect a patient’s feelings is not loving—he is negligent. In the same way, Jesus never ignored sin. He exposed it, not to shame, but to heal. He named the condition so He could bring the cure.
Sin, left unaddressed, destroys. Jesus confronted it because He came to set people free.
Truth Is the Highest Form of Love
The world often promotes a version of love that avoids discomfort at all costs. It says:
“If it feels good, affirm it.” “If it offends, avoid it.”
But Jesus demonstrates that truth and love are inseparable.
To affirm a lie may provide temporary comfort, but it ultimately leads to deeper bondage. Truth, on the other hand, may challenge, convict, and even offend—but it leads to freedom.
Real love is not afraid to tell the truth. Real love does not prioritize feelings over eternal reality. Real love speaks in a way that calls people out of darkness and into light.
Jesus did not come to make people comfortable in their sin—He came to deliver them from it.
Let God Be True
Scripture declares in Romans 3:4:
“Let God be true, and every man a liar.”
This is a call to anchor ourselves in God’s truth above all else—above culture, above popular opinion, and even above our own emotions. Human understanding is limited and often flawed, but God’s Word stands unchanging.
If Jesus, who is the embodiment of truth, never affirmed a lie, then we must be careful not to do so in the name of love, tolerance, or acceptance. To elevate human perspective above divine truth is to lose our foundation entirely.
Our Call: Walk as He Walked
To follow Christ is to reflect His character. That means we are called to love as He loved—but also to stand in truth as He stood in truth.
This is not a call to harshness or self-righteousness. Jesus was never cruel in His honesty. His words were firm, but they were always aimed at restoration. Likewise, we are called to:
Approach people with humility
Extend grace generously
But never compromise truth
We meet people where they are—but we do not leave them there. We walk with them toward transformation.
Final Word
Jesus never sacrificed truth to gain acceptance.
He never affirmed sin to appear compassionate.
He never denied who He was—the Truth—to make others comfortable.
And if we are His followers, neither should we.
Because love that affirms a lie is not love at all—it is a subtle form of abandonment.
But truth, spoken in love, has the power to heal, restore, and set free. And that is the kind of love the world desperately needs.
The Bible offers profound wisdom on love and humility, continually challenging believers to examine not only what we profess, but how we live. One of the most confronting statements is found in 1 John 4:20:
“Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.”
These words expose the contradiction of claiming devotion to God while harbouring prejudice, partiality, or indifference toward others. They call us to a radical, transformative love—one that reshapes how we view, value, and treat every person.
This call becomes even more striking when we hold it alongside the Bible’s vision of God’s kingdom. In Revelation 7:9–10, John describes the culmination of history:
“After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb… And they cried out in a loud voice: ‘Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.’”
This is the end toward which God is moving all things: a redeemed, unified, multiethnic family worshipping together in harmony. The diversity of the crowd is not erased—it is celebrated. Different nations, languages, cultures, and stories are woven into one glorious chorus of praise.
One in Christ, Not Divided by the World
Despite this clear biblical vision, divisions can still subtly appear—even within Christian communities. Scripture reminds us plainly in Galatians 3:28:
“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Yet even well-meaning believers can fall into patterns of valuing influence, wealth, race, age, or social standing. These distinctions can create barriers, foster inequality, and obscure the heart of the Gospel. God’s heart is for unity, not uniformity—unity rooted in love, humility, and shared identity in Christ.
God created us with different histories, cultures, languages, and perspectives, and each of us reflects His image in a unique way. When we love one another well across those differences, we reflect something of God’s own nature—Father, Son, and Spirit living in perfect unity and love. There is beauty in our differences, and that beauty is meant to draw us together, not push us apart.
Growing in Humble Love
The Bible calls us to be mindful when favouritism or division could subtly influence how we treat others. The Church—meant to be a refuge for the broken and a foretaste of heaven—can reflect God’s vision most clearly when all are welcomed and valued. Influence, image, or social standing can sometimes shape our perception, but God’s call is to unity, love, and humility.
James reminds us:
“Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in… have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?” (James 2:1–4)
This passage encourages careful reflection on how we respond to people in different circumstances. Jesus provides the perfect example: He welcomed the outcast, ate with those considered unworthy, defended the vulnerable, and showed compassion without regard for status or social value. Following Him, we are invited to see everyone as equally loved by God.
The only time we should look down on someone is when we are reaching out a hand to lift them up. This is the heart of true humility, captured in Philippians 2:3–4:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Christian love is not self-promoting; it is self-giving. It invites honest reflection on how we perceive and respond to others. It is revealed in recognising the homeless person as someone made in God’s image, in honouring those who cannot advance our status or serve our ambitions, and in living consistently with the belief that every person has infinite worth.
Humility also requires courage. Silence in the face of injustice, whether in the Church or the world, can unintentionally allow harm. As followers of Christ, we are called to stand with the poor, the abused, the marginalised, and the overlooked, ensuring that no one is treated as expendable or unworthy.
Living the Gospel Here and Now
The vision of Revelation is not something we merely wait for—it is something we are called to reflect now. Churches today can embody this picture of heaven by living in unity across ethnic, economic, generational, and cultural boundaries. When we pray, worship, read Scripture, and stand for justice together, we give the world a glimpse of God’s coming kingdom.
To love as Christ loved requires rejecting the world’s obsession with status and choosing instead the way of service. It means recognising that, in God’s family, there are no hierarchies—only brothers and sisters saved by grace.
Jesus said:
“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)
May we be known not for our divisions or our pursuit of influence, but for a radical love that breaks down barriers, uplifts the lowly, and reflects the heart of God. When we truly love those we can see, we reveal the love of the God we cannot see.
As James reminds us:
“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” (James 1:27)
True Christianity is not measured by status, platform, or power, but by love expressed through humility, justice, and service. Let us rise to this calling—not in our own strength, but through the Spirit of God, who empowers us to live as one beautiful, diverse, redeemed family in Christ.
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**Photo by Ann Tarezevich at Pexels / Photo The NIV Telos Bible
“As the ‘head of the household,’ I believe the man should take it upon himself to lead by apologizing for his part first, even if he feels 99.9% of the blame is with his wife.”
” As I have often told newly wedded brothers, spiritual leadership is primarily comprised of being the first person in the relationship to die to yourself. “
“Seeking God individually first, examining my own heart (and asking Him to search my heart and reveal whether there’s any offense there), eagerly resolved to make right anything He reveals to me, is the more productive and fruitful path to restoring my earthly relationship than belaboring various viewpoints and tactics in a discussion.”
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Disagreements in human relationships are inevitable, even among those who are sincere believers. As Christians, we believe there are certain things which we should never even consider in times of difficulty. For example, when we are upset, we will never even consider killing our opponent. It’s laughable to even think that’s a possibility. In the same way, in marriage, we do not even consider divorce to be an option in resolving our disagreements. Divorce should be as unthinkable an option among spouses in marriage as murder is unthinkable among friends in an argument.
In addition to knowing what not to do, it’s important to know what TO do in tough times. We should seek for tools to resolve our conflicts in a healthy, constructive manner.
In my own marriage, remembering the following two things has helped tremendously:
I must be the first to die to myself
There’s almost never a circumstance where the blame is 100% on one party alone. Both parties own some portion of the responsibility for any disagreement. As the “head of the household,” I believe the man should take it upon himself to lead by apologizing for his part first, even if he feels 99.9% of the blame is with his wife. (It’s incredibly unlikely that this felt proportion reflects reality)
One thing I have learned is that I must not apologize hoping to trigger reciprocity. My goal should not be to get my wife to “apologize back,” but rather to genuinely confess and own up to my responsibility. Sure, I may wish my wife would apologize, but that is a fleshly desire. I need to die to my will and my own desires, and seek instead to only be responsible for and concerned about my own shortcomings in the matter in question.
There’s a lot of talk about the husband being a “spiritual leader” in the Christian world today. As I have often told newly wedded brothers, spiritual leadership is primarily comprised of being the first person in the relationship to die to yourself. There are all sorts of worldly ideas pervading Christendom about what it means for the man to be the head: about commanding respect, being obeyed, being the ruler of the home, etc. These are all wrong notions. To learn what true spiritual leadership is, we must look to Jesus Christ as our spiritual Head, and the Husband of His Church. Looking to our own Head and seeing how He spiritually led His Church, we see Jesus’s spiritual leadership defined by denying His own will every day, dying to Himself, looking to His Father, depending on the Holy Spirit, carrying His cross, and coming up underneath us in service and love. He never demanded respect, or forced obedience, but rather set the example of humble submission and obedience to the will of God the Father.
This is what we as men in the home should do as well: set the example of humble submission to God as our spiritual act of leadership.
Seek restoration of my relationship with God first
One picture that has really helped me think about resolving conflicts/ disagreements in my own marriage is that of the hands playing a piano. These hands can be compared to the husband and wife in a marriage. Think of when a player’s hands play beautifully. They are coordinated not through efforts of their own, time spent together in a kangaroo pocket, etc, but rather simply because they’re both perfectly connected to the player’s head.
In marriage, I used to think we needed to have lots of long talks to “get on the same page,” etc, which really only amounted to the hands “spending more time together;” it never actually put us in tune! I mistakenly thought that unity was a function of coordination and communication, but more coordination and communication did not result in more unity; often, my own efforts only resulted in greater disunity.
When I saw that if the hands aren’t coordinated, it means one of them must disconnected from the player’s head, it all made sense! Disconnection is paralysis, and we can’t expect a pianist with a paralyzed hand to play beautifully. Likewise, in marriage, we don’t need to spend more time together as paralyzed members; we need to seek to be restored to perfect connection with our Head!
Seeking God individually first, examining my own heart (and asking Him to search my heart and reveal whether there’s any offense there), eagerly resolved to make right anything He reveals to me, is the more productive and fruitful path to restoring my earthly relationship than belaboring various viewpoints and tactics in a discussion.
As we have done this, we have found many disagreements completely fade away entirely, needing no further discussion. When we do desire further conversation, we can engage fruitfully as members that have been restored to health as fully functioning, healthy hands. Brother Zac Poonen has used the picture of the cross to describe all of our human relationships (the horizontal beam) in the context of our relationship with God (the longer vertical beam), and this picture is definitely true in marriage: no horizontal can thrive with a broken vertical; and almost all broken horizontals are really because of a broken vertical beam.
God’s will for our marriages is that they would demonstrate the wonder of His redeeming love for us, reconciling us to perfect unity with Himself (Ephesians 5:31-32). These are a couple of ways in which we can personally seek to reflect His love in the disagreements that threaten to divide our marriages
Christian pre-marital counseling is a thoughtful and intentional process that prepares engaged couples for a lifelong, Christ-centered marriage. It goes beyond mere relationship advice, offering a spiritual, emotional, and practical foundation for a covenant that mirrors God’s love. Through a series of guided sessions, couples explore important topics such as communication, finances, faith, intimacy, and future goals—ensuring they are well-equipped to build a strong, godly marriage before they exchange vows.
Historically, this kind of preparation was the norm in Christian communities. Churches and families understood the weight of the marriage covenant and made it a priority to equip couples spiritually, emotionally, and practically before marriage.
Today, in a world where romanticized love often takes center stage, pre-marital counseling serves as a much-needed reality check. It helps couples take off the rose-tinted glasses and honestly assess the lifelong journey they’re about to begin. Rather than assuming love is enough, it asks the deeper questions:
Are we truly compatible? Are we ready to walk through life’s highs and lows as one? Are we prepared to love sacrificially, forgive quickly, and grow together in Christ?
Done with humility and openness, Christian pre-marital counseling can transform your engagement from a season of planning a wedding into a sacred time of building a marriage—with God at the center.
Who Leads Pre-Marital Counseling?
Pre-marital counseling is often led by:
Church leaders (pastors, elders, marriage mentors) Licensed Christian counselors Certified marriage coaches or mentors
If your church doesn’t offer a program, many excellent Christian-based services are available both online and in person (see resource links at the end).
Key Topics Covered in Christian Pre-Marital Counseling
1. Faith & Spiritual Foundation
Marriage is a spiritual journey that should be rooted in Christ. Christian pre-marital counseling often begins with exploring your individual relationship with God and how that will shape your union. Couples should discuss biblical roles in marriage (Ephesians 5), the importance of prayer, worship, and spiritual disciplines as a couple, and how they will build their faith life together. For many, the question of how to raise children in the faith is an important conversation.
“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.” – Psalm 127:1
2. Communication & Conflict Resolution
How you communicate and resolve conflict can make or break a marriage. Pre-marital counseling helps couples recognize their communication styles and learn how to listen actively, speak with grace, and resolve conflicts in a healthy way. It also involves addressing common toxic patterns, such as passive-aggressive behavior, silence, and sarcasm. Couples should be equipped to handle disagreements with respect and humility, using biblical principles like Matthew 18 as a guide for resolving conflict.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” – James 1:19
3. Finances
Financial compatibility is a major area of focus. Couples need to discuss their spending and saving habits, budgeting, and how to handle debt, tithing, and long-term financial planning. Financial transparency is critical, as money is often a point of contention in marriages. Pre-marital counseling offers the space to set financial goals and discuss how to manage money as a team.
“The borrower is slave to the lender.” – Proverbs 22:7
4. Life Goals & Expectations
Where do you see yourselves in 5 or 10 years? Couples should talk through their career paths, education goals, family plans, and lifestyle expectations—including housing, travel, and retirement. Discussing these details ensures that both partners have aligned visions for their future and understand each other’s dreams and ambitions.
5. Family Background & Boundaries
How does your upbringing influence your expectations of marriage? Exploring family dynamics helps couples identify patterns they want to repeat or break. An essential biblical principle is “leaving father and mother and cleaving to your wife” (Genesis 2:24). Establishing a new, independent family unit means setting boundaries with extended family and ensuring the marriage remains the central priority. Couples should also discuss how to manage family holidays and traditions while focusing on their own union.
6. Sex & Intimacy
Intimacy is an essential part of marriage. Pre-marital counseling offers couples a chance to discuss their views on sexual intimacy and the biblical view of the marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4). Couples will explore their emotional and physical expectations and consider how to protect their intimacy. It’s important to discuss love languages, emotional needs, and any past trauma that might affect intimacy in marriage. It is crucial to approach this topic wisely, focusing on creating a healthy and fulfilling intimate relationship in the present day. The emphasis should be on growing together in sexual unity, rather than measuring past histories or creating unnecessary friction, wisdom is required here.
“The two shall become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24
7. Medical History & Health Awareness
Health plays a significant role in marriage. Couples should be open about their medical history, including any hereditary concerns like sickle cell or thalassemia. It’s also essential to discuss HIV/STI testing, mental health history, and chronic illnesses that may affect daily life or long-term plans. Being proactive in discussing health allows couples to make informed decisions together.
Core Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Spiritual Life
What does your walk with God look like? How will we grow spiritually as a couple? How will we decide on church involvement and spiritual leadership? How will we raise our children in the faith?
Communication & Conflict
What is your typical response in conflict? How do you express frustration or hurt? What makes you feel heard and valued? How do you forgive and move forward?
Finances
What is your current financial situation? How do you handle budgeting and spending? Are you comfortable with debt? What are your financial goals? Will we share bank accounts?
Life Goals
Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years? What are your views on career, family, and ministry? What would “success” in marriage look like to you? How do we support each other’s dreams?
Family Dynamics
What was your parents’ marriage like? What family habits do you want to keep or change? How involved will our families be in our lives? How will we manage holidays and family expectations?
Intimacy
What makes you feel emotionally and physically close? Are there any emotional wounds or concerns to work through? What are your boundaries and expectations in this area? How will we protect our intimacy in marriage?
Health & Wellness
Have you had any medical conditions that affect daily life? Are you aware of any hereditary illnesses or risks? Have you been tested for STIs? Are there any mental health concerns to discuss?
Conclusion
Christian pre-marital counseling is a powerful tool to help couples build a marriage that honors God. By addressing these critical topics early, couples can approach marriage with wisdom, understanding, and a shared vision. However, it’s important to remember that while words and promises are vital, actions speak louder than words. As you embark on this journey, take time to observe your partner’s actions and character. Anyone can say the right things, but true commitment, integrity, and compatibility are revealed in how a person lives and responds to challenges. People usually show you who they are—believe them the first time. Ensure that you are not just hearing what your partner says but also seeing how they act, as these actions will be what shape your marriage in the long term.
If your church does not offer a program, there are many Christian-based counseling services available, both online and in person. See the links below for resources:
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