Category: discernment

Online Dating: Spotting Predators and Protecting Your Heart – Part 2

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“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” ~ Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

This is part 2 of a 5 part series. In recent times, online dating has become an increasingly popular avenue for meeting potential partners, including for Christian men and women seeking to honor God in their relationships. However, there’s a concerning trend among some men who profess to be Christians, yet their actions contradict the values of Christ. These individuals target virtuous Christian women, misleading them with facades of faith and manipulating them for selfish gain.

The Deception of “Christian” Men

Just because a man claims to be a Christian does not necessarily mean he is one in practice. As believers, we are taught to “test the spirits” (1 John 4:1) and to judge a tree by its fruit (Matthew 7:16). When it comes to dating, it’s essential to recognize that some men who profess Christianity may not embody the character and integrity that genuine Christian faith demands. They might use their faith as a tool to gain the trust of unsuspecting women, but their actions may reveal their true intentions.

These characters often try to manipulate and control women by disguising themselves as faithful, virtuous Christians. They may even be skilled at convincing their victims that any objection or concern is overreacting, that it’s “old-fashioned,” or that “everyone is different” now. However, these men are often deeply rooted in sinful behavior, and their actions ultimately seek to exploit the women they pursue.

The Dangerous Pattern of Predatory Behavior

The most troubling aspect of these types of men is how they prey on young, trusting, and virtuous Christian women. Many of these men have a sordid past—filled with sin and indulgence—and after realizing that they may end up alone in middle age, they seek to find a woman who is naive and spiritually anchored in faith, believing she will not leave them, no matter how poorly they mistreat her.

As Christians, we are called to live in accordance with God’s commandments and to love one another with purity and respect. Ephesians 5:25 tells men to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church,” which means sacrificially, selflessly, and honorably. This principle contradicts the behavior of these predatory types of men who want to dominate, control, and ultimately abuse women. The idea that a woman will stay married to a man despite his neglect, abuse, or sinful behavior, because of the sacredness of marriage, is a tool these men exploit.

These types often claim to have “converted” to Christianity, or they may return to their faith after years of living recklessly. But in many cases, their motivations for converting or returning to Christianity are not born out of a genuine change of heart or love for Christ but rather out of a desire to find a woman they can manipulate. This situation underscores the need for caution, as it’s clear that not everyone who claims to be Christian truly follows Christ in their actions, and are ‘Christian’ in name only, this includes women.

Red Flags: How to Spot a Predatory Man

The Bible encourages us to be discerning, and when it comes to dating, that discernment is vital. Matthew 7:15-20 warns against false prophets, saying, “By their fruits you will recognize them.” Here are some red flags to look out for when considering a potential partner from a Christian dating site:

1. The “Perfect” Facade: At first, a predator may seem charming, kind, and deeply devout, going out of his way to appear virtuous. For example, he might say, “I’ve been praying for someone like you” or “I feel like God brought us together for a reason.” However, inconsistencies in his actions will reveal his true intentions. While he might talk about his faith and commitment to purity, his behavior might not align with what he says. For example, while he might insist on being a gentleman in public, his messages could become increasingly flirtatious, intrusive or inappropriate when you’re alone. These inconsistencies show that his outward charm and devotion are just a facade, designed to manipulate your emotions.

2. Inconsistent Faith: A man who claims to be Christian but never seems to want to talk about the faith, avoids conversations about God, or downplays the importance of living according to biblical principles should raise alarm bells. If he doesn’t truly value God’s teachings, his interest in you might be more about satisfying his own needs than honoring Christ. In 2 Corinthians 6:14 it states, we are not to be unequally yoked, stating the importance of sharing the same values, beliefs, and at least the same level of faith in a relationship, if you are devout Christian you don’t want to be with someone who is lukewarm.

3. Boundary Violations: A predator may test your boundaries early on, asking for inappropriate pictures, making lewd jokes, or reacting poorly when you establish limits. They often use manipulation tactics to break down your defences, by using false piety, acting hurt, questioning your faith, try to shame you or misuse Scripture to pressure you into lowering your defences, to make you feel guilty or obligated—clear red flags to watch for and disengage from immediately.

4. Victim Mentality: If a man constantly portrays himself as misunderstood or mistreated by others, it’s often a way to deflect attention from his own harmful behavior and avoid taking responsibility for his actions. For example, he might say, “Everyone always misunderstands me; they just don’t get how much I’ve been through.” He may even blame others for his problems, making it seem like he’s always the victim. This tactic is commonly used by abusers to manipulate your emotions, making you feel sorry for him and guilty for not being more supportive. By focusing on his supposed victimhood, he shifts the narrative away from his own harmful actions, creating an emotional bond that makes it harder for you to recognize or confront his behavior. This manipulation lowers your guard and makes you more likely to overlook red flags in the relationship.

5. Control and Possession: True love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, is not about control but is patient, kind, and honors the freedom of the other person. In a healthy relationship, both individuals are free to make their own choices and grow in their faith, just as God respects our free will. If someone tries to limit your actions or control who you see, especially people who support your faith and care for your well-being, like family, it’s a red flag that their intentions are based on manipulation and possession. A predator might also try to convince you that they know what’s best for you, suggesting that you’re not smart enough to make your own decisions. They may even misquote Scripture to manipulate you into submitting to them, by saying things like, “The Bible says you should submit to your husband”—even though submission is specifically for marriage, not dating. This tactic is designed to make you feel inferior, drop boundaries and give up your independence, whilst they control the relationship.

6. Devaluation and Gaslighting: A common manipulative tactic used by predators is to devaluate and gaslight you, to make you question your worth and sense of reality. They may make you feel like you’re either “too much” or “not enough” by criticizing your appearance, past, or choices. For instance, they might say, “I can’t believe someone like you is still single,” suggesting there’s something wrong with you, or “You’ve been through a lot, huh? That probably explains why you act the way you do,” implying you’re damaged or flawed. These comments are designed to shake your confidence and make you feel insecure. Over time, this can erode your self-esteem, making you more reliant on their approval. By planting seeds of doubt, they work to break down your boundaries and make you question your own worth, making it easier for them to control you.

7. Future-Faking: These individuals often string women along by promising an ideal future together, but their promises rarely materialise. This is a common trait of predators who manipulate women into staying in the relationship that serve their selfish interests, by painting an ideal, faith-based future that aligns with the woman’s values and hopes, making her believe that the relationship is part of God’s plan, hoping that you will overlook the bright red flags and your gut instinct with the smooth talk.

8. A Toxic Past: A predator may openly admit to having a troubled or sordid past but, at the same time, demand that the woman be perfect—expecting her to be “virginal” or without any past mistakes or experiences. This double standard is not only unfair, but it also reveals a deep hypocrisy. It shows that he is unwilling to offer the same grace and forgiveness to others that Christ offers to all of us. We are called to show compassion and understanding to others, acknowledging that we all have a past and have made mistakes. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, grace, and forgiveness, not on unrealistic expectations or judgment of one another’s history. If someone is unable to offer this grace, it’s a clear sign of manipulation and an inability to truly love in the way Christ teaches us.

Protecting Yourself: Trusting God and Your Instincts

While dating online can lead to genuine relationships, it’s essential to remain cautious and discerning. God has given us wisdom and the Holy Spirit to guide us, and one of the most important tools for protecting ourselves is our intuition. If something feels off or doesn’t sit right, trust it. Proverbs 3:5-6 encourages us to trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding—this applies to relationships as well.

Remember, you are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. If a man displays significant red flags, it’s crucial to walk away. Your value is not determined by whether or not you are in a relationship. You are a daughter of the King, worthy of love, respect, and honor.

Lastly, as Christian women, we must avoid believing that we have to “fix” someone or change their character to fit our standards. Only God can change hearts. Your job is to discern wisely and protect your heart, keeping it pure for the right man who will love you as Christ loves the Church.

Biblical Principles of Dating and Marriage

Christian relationships should reflect the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). A key part of evaluating a potential partner is looking at how they display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Some biblical principles that could guide you are:

• Ephesians 5:25-28: Men are called to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loved the Church. This should be a benchmark for women to evaluate whether a man truly embodies Christ-like love.

• 2 Corinthians 6:14: Don’t be unequally yoked with unbelievers. It is vital that both partners share the same faith and commitment to Christ for a healthy relationship.

Importance of Community and Accountability

Christian dating should never happen in isolation. It’s essential to seek mentorship and accountability from trusted Christian leaders, elders, or friends who know both individuals well. Consider:

• Involving your church community: Let others in your church know about your relationship so they can offer wisdom and discernment.

• Consulting a pastor or mature Christian: A wise Christian mentor can help spot red flags you might miss.

Encouragement of Healthy Boundaries

Set practical boundaries in your relationship to safeguard your emotional, physical, and spiritual health:

• Physical Boundaries: Maintain purity by setting clear limits around physical contact.

• Emotional Boundaries: Respect each other’s emotional well-being, and allow space for personal growth and outside friendships.

• Time and Energy Boundaries: Avoid relationships that drain you or demand excessive control.

The Role of Patience and Discernment in Relationships

Patience is essential in Christian relationships. Psalm 27:14 encourages waiting on God’s timing. Trust in God’s plan and do not rush into relationships based on emotions alone.

Encouragement to Walk in Confidence and Worth

You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Embrace your identity in Christ and remember that your value is not tied to your relationship status (Ephesians 2:10). Walk confidently in the truth that God has a purpose for you, regardless of your current relational situation.

Clearer Conclusion with Practical Steps

If you are considering an online relationship or already in one, take these practical steps:

• Pray for discernment.

• Set boundaries early.

• Seek counsel from trusted individuals in your church.

• Maintain purity, both emotionally and physically.

• Walk away if you spot red flags—don’t feel obligated to continue a relationship that doesn’t honor God.

In conclusion, while there are many genuine Christian men on dating websites, the rise of predators masquerading as Christians is a growing concern. Stay vigilant, trust in the Lord’s guidance, and above all, never forget that your value comes from God alone. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, as Christ would treat His Church.

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*** Photo by Cottonbro Studios

The Traditions of Men Versus the Word of God

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In Mark 7:8, Jesus speaks with profound clarity: “You disregard and neglect the commandment of God, and cling [faithfully] to the tradition of men.” This verse cuts to the heart of an ongoing tension that has existed since the days of Christ: the elevation of human traditions over the divine Word of God. Jesus’ confrontation with the Pharisees reveals a dangerous practice where man-made traditions overshadow and even invalidate God’s commandments.

Traditions: A Challenge in Jesus’ Time

Mark 7:2-9 paints a vivid picture of this confrontation. The Pharisees and scribes, having observed Jesus’ disciples eating with unwashed hands, found fault with them. They weren’t just concerned with hygiene, but with the breaking of religious customs—the “tradition of the elders”—which had become a cornerstone of Jewish religious practice. They viewed this tradition as equal to, or even above, God’s commandments.

Jesus’ response is striking. He calls them hypocrites, quoting Isaiah: “This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.” He condemns their practices, stating, “For laying aside the commandment of God, you hold the tradition of men.” This indictment is as relevant today as it was then. The Pharisees placed their traditions on a pedestal, and in doing so, lost sight of the heart of God’s law. They honored God with outward rituals, but their hearts were far from Him.

The Danger of Tradition Today

In the present age, many Christians find themselves at a similar crossroads. The traditions of men can still creep into our faith, subtly undermining the pure Word of God. Colossians 2:8 warns us to be vigilant: “Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.” Tradition, when unchecked by Scripture, can lead us into a form of religion that has the appearance of wisdom but lacks the power to transform.

One of the greatest dangers of these traditions is that they often seem harmless or even beneficial. After all, they may have been passed down for generations and become ingrained in our communities and culture. But as 1 Peter 1:17-19 reminds us, we were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, “from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ.” Our salvation is not found in human traditions but in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

The Pharisees’ Blindness: An Ongoing Struggle

When Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for their traditions, He pointed to the deeper issue of the heart. The Pharisees had developed a system of religion that was all about outward appearances, with rules about washing hands and cleaning vessels (Mark 7:4). But their focus on external purity blinded them to the internal transformation that God desires. As Romans 10:3 states, “They being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and seeking to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted to the righteousness of God.”

This is a profound warning for believers today. If we are not careful, we can also fall into the trap of relying on human traditions or self-imposed practices to define our righteousness. But no amount of religious ritual can make us right with God—only faith in Jesus Christ, submission to His Word, and His finished work on the Cross can do that. No amount of external works or accolades will suffice, for obedience is better than sacrifice.

God’s Commandments are Sufficient

Deuteronomy 12:29-32 gives a stern warning: “Whatever I command you, be careful to observe it; you shall not add to it nor take away from it.” God’s Word is complete and sufficient. We are not to add to it with human traditions, nor are we to take away from it through selective obedience. The Scripture is clear: anything that detracts from the purity of God’s Word is not to be followed.

Traditions often evolve over time and may start with good intentions, but they can lead us away from the truth of the Gospel. In Matthew 15:1-9, Jesus again confronts the Pharisees, accusing them of transgressing the commandments of God in favor of their traditions. Their interpretation of the law had become twisted, allowing them to bypass God’s true commands—such as honoring father and mother—while upholding human rules that seemed religious.

Direct Access to God Through Christ

One of the most beautiful gifts that Christians have is direct access to God through Jesus Christ. As believers, we are not bound by the traditions of men that create barriers between us and God. The veil has been torn (Matthew 27:51), and we can approach the throne of grace with confidence (Hebrews 4:16). Through the sacrifice of Jesus, we have the privilege of a personal relationship with God. We no longer need a human intermediary to offer sacrifices or perform rituals on our behalf.

Because Jesus is our mediator, we have the incredible privilege of direct communication with God through prayer. He intercedes for us (Romans 8:34), making our prayers effective and heard by the Father. This divine access reminds us that our relationship with God is intimate and unbroken, secured through Christ’s finished work on the cross, as He alone died for our sins.

Conclusion: Cling to God’s Word, Not Man’s Tradition

The Word of God is living and powerful (Hebrews 4:12). It is our guide, our light, and our foundation. We must be careful not to allow human traditions—however well-meaning they may seem—to overshadow the authority of Scripture. Galatians 1:8 gives a sobering warning: “But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed.” This shows the seriousness with which we must guard the purity of God’s Word, for Jesus Himself warned, “Get away from Me; I never knew you, you who practice disobedience” (Matthew 7:23). To neglect the truth of Scripture and substitute it with human traditions is to risk eternal separation from God.

As born-again believers, our allegiance is to Christ alone, not to any denomination, human traditions, or rituals. Let us examine our hearts and lives to ensure that we are following the Word of God rather than the traditions of men. Only by doing so can we worship God in spirit and truth (John 4:24), honoring Him with our lives and not just our lips. Our faith must be rooted in a personal relationship with Jesus, guided by His Word, and not defined by external affiliations or practices.