Standing on the solid rock of faith means holding firmly to God’s Word while also being open to learning and growing in our understanding of it. Today, we are commonly told to keep an open mind about our beliefs and how we interpret the Word of God. Many people are encouraged to avoid being dogmatic, leading some to cherry-pick Scriptures or change their meanings altogether. This practice often involves using the Bible only when its teachings align with personal preferences or the expectations of the audience. Such a liberal view distorts the integrity of God’s Word—if you don’t like it, change it! What use is the Word of God if it can be altered? How can we have faith in truth if truth is seen as variable?
The Word of God is meant to assure us of both God’s nature and our future in Him. If we maintain an open mind to the point of compromising its teachings, we risk dismissing Christ’s promises and missing out on the fullness of what He guarantees. True Christians do not keep an open mind when it comes to God’s Word; you either believe it or you don’t. You cannot sit on the fence. The journey of faith requires a foundation rooted in the unchanging truth of God’s Word.
How many of you would board a plane knowing that the pilot was going to keep an open mind about the destination? Well just as a pilot must navigate their course with precision, they cannot afford to be liberal or selective about the path they choose to reach their destination. Each decision made in the cockpit matters greatly; even small adjustments can have significant consequences for the journey, and so it is with God’s Word. We are invited to align our lives with God’s truth, but this does not mean altering His Word to fit our preferences. His truth remains constant, and our understanding should deepen without compromising Scripture’s principles. Faith demands humility; there is always more to discover in the Bible.
As Paul reminds us in 2 Timothy 1:2, we are called to be faithful to the truth that has been entrusted to us. Our belief in Christ Jesus is our sure foundation—He is the rock upon which we stand and the anchor of hope for our blood-bought souls. Psalm 18:2 describes Him as the everlasting rock for those who fear and esteem Him, a steadfast refuge in times of trouble. There’s nothing wishy-washy about Jesus or His Word. He is the Word made flesh who dwelt among us and our soon-coming King, to whom every knee will bow and confess He is Lord.
Times may change, and people’s views may shift, but God remains the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His promises provide a firm foundation amidst a world of uncertainty.
Being open does not mean abandoning core beliefs. Instead, it helps us build a stronger foundation based on God’s eternal Word while remaining teachable. The Bible encourages us to think deeply about Scripture and to stay receptive to what God may reveal each day. This isn’t about changing God’s Word; it’s about allowing it to transform us. Our foundation is solid because it rests on God’s promises and truth.
As James 1:6-8 warns, we should not be double-minded in our faith, for such uncertainty leads to instability. We are called to take every thought captive to obey Christ, as stated in 2 Corinthians 10:5. Faith is not about rigidity; it’s about standing confidently on God’s promises, knowing His Word gives us a firm foundation. While we can be sure of what we believe, we should also allow God to enrich that understanding over time.
Let this balance between a solid foundation and an open heart inspire you today. Stand firm on the rock of God’s Word, knowing that you are both grounded and growing—rooted in unchanging truth yet open to the richness of God’s wisdom and grace as He reveals it, because God Himself backs it up.
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**Excerpt based on Reinhard Bonnke’s book, “Faith: The Link with God’s Power.” / Photo by Pixabay at Pexels
Confidence and self-esteem are not merely products of worldly success or affirmation but are rooted in understanding who we are in Christ. The Bible is rich with truths about our worth, purpose, and identity, reminding us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, loved with an everlasting love, and called to reflect God’s image.
When we align our view of ourselves with God’s truth, we are free to live with a sense of dignity and purpose that goes beyond external achievements or others’ opinions. Here’s a comprehensive guide to embracing and living out your God-given identity, grounded in Scripture and made actionable through daily choices.
1. Our Worth as Image-Bearers of God
The Bible’s opening chapters reveal a foundational truth: we are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). This means that our value doesn’t come from anything we do, but from the very fact that God has stamped His image upon us. Psalm 139:14 reminds us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” declaring that our worth is not contingent on our appearance, achievements, or social standing.
Being made in God’s image means that we are called to reflect His character—His love, patience, and humility. When we truly understand this, we realize that our value is secure, rooted in God’s creation of us and His unchanging love.
In light of this, let your daily choices reflect this sacred identity. As image-bearers of God, seek to embody His character in your interactions with others, offering grace where there is conflict and patience where there is frustration. When negative thoughts about your appearance or achievements arise, combat them by declaring the truth of your worth in Christ. Surround yourself with reminders of God’s promises—write them down, meditate on them, and share them with others to help reinforce your understanding of your inherent value.
2. Replacing Negative Self-Talk with God’s Truth
It’s common to face an inner voice that highlights flaws, mistakes, or inadequacies. This negative self-talk can hinder us from embracing the truth of who we are in Christ. Scripture reminds us that we must “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When we allow God’s truth to reshape our thoughts, we can silence the lies that undermine our confidence and self-esteem.
To incorporate this truth, begin by identifying the recurring negative thoughts that burden you. Each time a thought arises, intentionally replace it with a corresponding truth from Scripture. For instance, if you feel unworthy, remember the words of Isaiah 43:1: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” Practice speaking these truths aloud to reinforce them in your heart and mind.
Additionally, cultivate a habit of listening for God’s voice in moments of doubt. Spend time in prayer, asking Him to reveal His perspective on you. Over time, this practice will transform the way you think, enabling you to see yourself through His loving eyes.
3. Practicing Gratitude for the Way God Created You
When we focus on what we lack, we risk overlooking the gifts and blessings God has given us. Gratitude shifts our perspective from deficiency to abundance, reminding us that we are uniquely designed by God for His purposes. By celebrating how God created us, we strengthen our confidence and grow in our ability to love ourselves as He loves us.
Incorporate gratitude by pausing each day to reflect on the ways God has blessed and equipped you. Acknowledge the talents, traits, and abilities that make you uniquely suited to fulfill His purposes. Use these reflections to fuel acts of worship—whether through singing, journaling, or simply expressing thanks to God in prayer. Celebrate your individuality by exploring your gifts and finding ways to use them to glorify God, whether that’s through creativity or service.
4. Surrounding Yourself with Supportive, Faith-Filled Community
The people around us have a profound influence on how we view ourselves. A supportive, faith-centered community can encourage us to see ourselves as God does, offering the love, affirmation, and accountability we need to grow in confidence. Hebrews 10:24-25 reminds us of the importance of encouraging one another and building each other up.
Seek out opportunities to build deeper connections within your church or faith community. Participate in small groups, prayer circles, or Bible studies where you can share your struggles and victories. When you’re surrounded by those who uplift you in Christ, you’ll find it easier to believe the truths about your worth and identity. Be intentional about being that source of encouragement to others as well—whether through kind words, acts of service, or simply being a listening ear.
5. Stepping Out in Faith and Serving Others
One of the most powerful ways to build confidence is by serving others. When we focus on the needs of those around us, we experience the joy and purpose that comes from being part of God’s mission. Jesus Himself modeled this, reminding us in Mark 10:45 that He came “not to be served, but to serve.”
Consider where God may be calling you to step out in faith. Is there a ministry, outreach program, or community need that aligns with your gifts and passions? Serving others not only blesses them but also deepens your understanding of your own value in God’s plan. As you serve, take note of the ways God works through you—whether it’s through a kind word, a small gesture, or a shared moment of prayer. These experiences reinforce the truth that you are a vessel of His love and grace.
6. Embracing Growth and Letting Go of Perfectionism
Low self-esteem often stems from the pressure to meet unrealistic standards. But God doesn’t call us to perfection; He calls us to growth. Philippians 1:6 reassures us that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” When we embrace growth as a journey rather than a destination, we free ourselves to make progress without the fear of failure.
Each day, ask God to guide your growth and show you where He wants to refine you. Be patient with yourself as you work toward your goals, and celebrate even the smallest victories as evidence of His transformative work in your life. Surround yourself with reminders of God’s grace, whether through Scripture, worship, or the testimonies of others. Over time, you’ll find that letting go of perfectionism allows you to live with greater peace and confidence.
7. Praying for God’s Perspective on Yourself
Despite our best efforts, we may sometimes struggle to see ourselves as God does. In these moments, prayer is a powerful tool for inviting God to renew our hearts and minds. When we ask Him to reveal His perspective, we open ourselves to a deeper understanding of His love.
Make prayer a consistent part of your daily routine, asking God to help you align your thoughts with His truth. Trust that He will answer by reminding you of His promises, whether through Scripture, worship, or the encouragement of others. As you cultivate this habit, you’ll begin to see yourself—and others—through the lens of His grace and compassion.
8. Honoring Our Bodies as Temples of the Holy Spirit
The Bible teaches that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, sacred and worthy of respect. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.”
To honor your body as God’s temple, start by making choices that reflect care and respect. This could mean nourishing your body with healthy food, staying active, and ensuring you get enough rest. Avoid habits or behaviors that harm your body or compromise your well-being. Remember, your body is a gift from God—one that enables you to serve Him and others.
As you care for your physical health, consider how your actions can also reflect spiritual growth. Use your body to glorify God, whether through acts of service, worship, or simply by living a life that honors His presence within you.
Conclusion: Living Out Our Identity in Christ
The journey of embracing our identity in Christ is one of daily surrender and intentionality. By anchoring our self-worth in God’s truth, we can live with confidence, dignity, and love, reflecting His character in all we do.
Let your life be a testimony to God’s grace, a reflection of His love, and an expression of His purpose. As you grow in your understanding of who you are in Christ, may you find the strength to walk boldly in His truth, knowing that you are cherished, called, and equipped for His glory.
Closing Prayer:
“Lord, thank You for creating me in Your image and for loving me with an everlasting love. Help me to see myself through Your eyes and to walk in the worth and dignity You have given me. Guide me to live as an ambassador of Your love and to reflect Your grace in my relationships. May I honor my body as Your temple, cherishing it as a gift from You. Teach me to glorify You in all I do, and to live as an heir of Your kingdom. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer ~ Psalm 19:14
In the book of Proverbs we have a very stark statement as to what God hates. So let us take a look…
1. Haughty eyes: Haughty eyes deals with pride and God hates pride. The eyes are the windows into pride. The phrase, “That person looks down on me!” That’s the haughty eye and its full of pride. Pride is the original sin that goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Man wanted to be like God (notice the pride) more than he wanted to be with God. He looked down on God.
2. A lying tongue: A lying tongue is a reminder that all words count. All words have consequences and that all our words will be judged by God. This is why in Proverbs 18:21 we are warned: life and death are in the power of the tongue. When we lie, we trample on the greatness and dignity that God has placed in all humans.
3. Hands that shed innocent blood: Innocence does not imply sinlessness. But to shed innocent blood is to take the life of one who has done nothing worthy of death. God loves and wants us to protect the innocent.
4. A heart that devises wicked schemes: Throughout Scripture, God reminds us that He alone searches the heart. God knows what we think and he sees the plans and purposes that are conceived in the souls of all people.
5. Feet that are quick to rush into evil: To rush into evil is to demonstrate a great delight and enjoyment of evil and an eagerness to participate in it. God hates the enjoyment of evil. A lot of people like to witness evil and yet they would never think of doing it themselves. God says no.
6. A false witness who pours out lies: This deals with perjury. But when the Proverbs writes about a false witness, the principle is so much deeper than the mere avoidance of lying. This is talking about making right confession. The word confession is a word that literally means to speak truth that is revealed by God.
7. A person who stirs up conflict in the community: The climax of wickedness is the one who purposefully causes division. It is the kind of conflict that is done in secret and done by one who won’t appeal through proper channels and who does not submit to proper authority. It is someone who stirs up conflict for the sole purpose of stirring up conflict.
Now, if God hates these things in this passage (and He does!), then it stands to reason He loves just the opposite. In other words, if God hates haughty eyes that means He loves the eyes of humility. If God hates a lying tongue what does He love? A tongue of integrity. If God hates those who shed innocent blood, He loves those who defend the innocent. If He hates the heart that devises wicked schemes, how much more does He love the one who works towards virtue? If God hates feet that rush to evil, how much does He love feet that run towards goodness? If He hates a false witness, He must love a true witness! If He hates those who sow discord, how much more does He love those who sow unity and peace? At the end of the day, the Proverbs writer is asking us to consider: What kind of people are we striving to be? May we strive to be those who practice what God loves!
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***By Dr Dave Lescalleet at Pruit Cares Foundation
Sadly there are many false believers who will be expecting to go to Heaven and will be denied entrance. The best way to avoid being one is to make sure you have truly put your trust in Christ alone for salvation.
When you have repented and put your faith in Christ that will lead to a change of life. Follow God and educate yourself with his Word.
Many people follow false teachings from the Bible given by false preachers or they just refuse to obey instructions from God and follow their own minds.
There are many people who throw on the Christian name tag and think by just going to church they will be granted Heaven, which is false. You know there are people like that in your church and especially in the youth today.
You know there are people still having sex outside of marriage, still going to clubs, they still have a continuous willful potty mouth. Hell will be worse for these people than atheists. They are just Sunday Christians and they don’t care about Christ. Am I saying that a Christian is perfect? No. Can a Christian backslide? Yes, but there will be growth and maturity in a true believers life because it is God working in them. They won’t just remain in darkness if they are the Lord’s sheep because God will discipline them and also His sheep hear His voice.
Fake Christians quotes
Laurence J Peter – “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.”
“Don’t let your lips and your lives preach two different messages.”
“Your most powerful testimony is how you treat others after the church service is over.”
“What a heartbreak it would be to live an “almost” Christian life, then “almost” get into heaven.”
Beware, there are many fake Christians
1. Matthew 15:8 These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.
2. Isaiah 29:13 And so the Lord says, “These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote.
3. James 1:26 If a person thinks that he is religious but can’t control his tongue, he is fooling himself. That person’s religion is worthless.
4 1 John 2:9 Those who say that they are in the light but hate other believers are still in the dark.
5. Titus 1:16 They claim to know God, but they deny him by what they do. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit to do anything good.
Fake Christians don’t care about God’s Word
Fake Christians sin on purpose saying, “I’ll just repent later” and disobey God’s teachings. Even though we are all sinners and we still struggle with sin, Christians don’t live a lifestyle of willfully and deliberately sin.
6. 1 John 2:4 Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person.
7. 1 John 3:6 Those who live in Christ don’t go on sinning. Those who go on sinning haven’t seen or known Christ.
8. 1 John 3:8-10 The person who practices sin belongs to the evil one, because the Devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason that the Son of God was revealed was to destroy what the Devil has been doing. No one who has been born from God practices sin, because God’s seed abides in him. Indeed, he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born from God. This is how God’s children and the Devil’s children are distinguished. No person who fails to practice righteousness and to love his brother is from God.
9. 3 John 1:11 Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God.
10. Luke 6:46 Why do you call me Lord but don’t do what I tell you?
Fake Christians think that there is another way to get into heaven besides Jesus.
11. John 14:6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
True Christians love Jesus and have new desires and affection for Him.
12. John 14:23-24 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father’s who sent me.”
13. 1 John 2:3 We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands.
14. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
Fake Christians are hypocrites
Even though the Bible says we are to lovingly, kindly, and gently go to our brothers and sisters alone to correct them of their sins, how can you do that, but you’re doing the same thing as them just as much or even more than them? People who do things for show such as give to the poor and other acts of kindness to be seen by others are also hypocrites.
15. Matthew 7:3-5 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
16. Matthew 6:1-2 Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
17. Matthew 12:34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
18. Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’
19. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
20. Revelation 22:15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
Fake Christians are false preachers and false prophets just like the cast of Preachers of LA.
21. 2 Corinthians 11:13-15 For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.
22. Jude 1:4 For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.
23. 2 Peter 2:1 But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
24. Romans 16:18 For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.
Reminders
25. 2 Timothy 4:3-4 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.
One of the most common things that couples say to me is, “My wife and I just can’t seem to have a normal conversation anymore with each other. Our words seem so superficial and only about the facts of the day. We just never get to those heart-to-heart times of fellowship we used to have before we got married.” Have you ever thought or said these words? If you have, then this article is for you.
Why does conversation seem to turn in this superficial direction within a marriage? Once you understand why the communication has deteriorated between you, then you will see how to change it.
Why does communication deteriorate over time?
1. Holding resentment from past unresolved conflicts. This is one of the most common and obvious reasons why communication deteriorates in a relationship. If a prior conflict is not fully resolved, the heart becomes closed and the walls will go up and communication will shut down. This is why Solomon told his son, “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.” (Proverbs 18:19). If you have been fortifying your heart with bars, you have unresolved issues. If you want the superficiality to be removed then you must identify and deal with these conflicts.
2. Hardening your heart. When you refuse to resolve your conflicts, a hardened heart will always be the natural result. Why is this true? Paul equated hardness of heart with an unwillingness to repent of your sin. He warned the Romans that, “because of your“hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God” (Romans 2:5). If you are hard-hearted today, there will not be any heart-to-heart fellowship between you. It is an impossibility!
3. Allowing pride to control you.When pride controls your heart, you will relate to each other in one of two ways. First, you can be verbally harsh, authoritarian, and speak to your spouse with a superior attitude. Or secondly, pride can also make you indifferent to your mate’s requests to talk, and cause you to be unwilling to confess your own faults. These attitudes will only result in the walls being fortified between you. Remember, “By pride comes nothing but strife” (Proverbs 13:10). Pride is the death-nail to heart-to-heart fellowship.
4. An unwillingness to talk. When one or both of you stops being willing to talk, your hearts only grow harder, and the walls are strengthened (Acts 7:57). This refusal to talk things through is another sign of the pride and hardness of your hearts. You are, in reality, moving further backwards and not forward in your relationship.
5. Dominating the conversation. If you dominate a conversation by the number of words you use, to attempt to overpower your mate’s point of view, this will only further drive you apart. You should never think that you “will be heard” by the number of words you use (Matthew 6:7). If you say the same thing over and over again but just in different ways, and you don’t allow your spouse to respond, nothing will get accomplished. This again only reveals more pride within your heart.
6. Trying to control and force. When one or both spouses attempt to dominate the conversation, this is a controlling and forcing technique that only assures there will not be a true heart-to-heart conversation. Trying to control a person or a conversation is not love! Controlling behavior is also another form of pride.
7. Not being a good listener.Listening is a vital part of good communication. But, do you want to be heard more than you want to listen? Do you interrupt your spouse and not allow them to complete their thought before you begin your rebuttal? Solomon declared this behavior as folly. “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Proverbs 18:13). The word folly means stupid or to be without wisdom. This unwise practice will guarantee that there will be no heart-to-heart fellowship.
8. Lying and deceitfulness. When there is dishonesty between two people there will be no trust. Lying to one another is a rejection of your marital oneness with each other. Paul said, “Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,’ for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25). If Paul taught this truth concerning Christians in general, how much more would it hinder your marital oneness (Genesis 2:24)? Lying and deceitfulness calls into question your entire relationship together.
9. Harsh and condemning words. Harsh words are like small knife wounds or razor blade cuts that slowly drain the life out of your love relationship. David said of his enemies who constantly pursued him, “Your tongue devises destruction, like a sharp razor, working deceitfully”(Psalms 52:2). When harsh and condemning words are allowed to thrive in a relationship, they will bring destruction to every marriage. Be assured, there will be no heart-to-heart conversation within this marriage!
10. You don’t want to reveal anything that might be used against you in the next conflict. If you are afraid to be honest about what you are thinking, feeling, or what you have done, there can be no real intimacy in your conversations. This kind of fear will shut down any real heart-to-heart discussion, because there is no trust. If you are afraid to open your heart to your spouse, it reveals that there are several basic needs missing in your marriage.
11. Not spending time together. Sometimes the distance grows between a couple not because they have a major communication problem, but simply because they just don’t spend much one-on-one time together. When you don’t take the time to date each other, pray with one another, or recreate together, the closeness and friendship between you will die. Before you were married, as you dated, you spent plenty of one-on-one time together, which is why the communication was so much better. Don’t allow all of the distractions of life to keep you from the one person you are to be one flesh with.
These are just a few of the hindrances to heart-to-heart communication. If you recognize yourself in any of the above issues, you must realize that this is the reason the communication has deteriorated in your marriage. I would suggest asking God to forgive you, and then turning to your spouse and doing the same. Then take the steps in the next few paragraphs.
How to change the way you communicate, and get back to heart-to-heart fellowship.
1. You need to confront the problem. Many times, when couples struggle and they sense the distance growing between them, they beat around the bush with their mate, and don’t specifically address the problem. This is a major mistake. When this happens the problem only gets worse. If your car was running roughly or wouldn’t start, you wouldn’t just hope that the engine trouble would resolve itself. You would take the car into the mechanic to get the problem resolved. If you chose not to do this, one morning you would go out to start your car, and it wouldn’t run. So, don’t let the lack of heart-to-heart fellowship in your marriage get any worse. Resolve to talk to your spouse about it today.
How should you bring up this problem with your mate? Choose a weekend day, when you and your mate are not tired, and there are no distractions. Find a time when you can be alone, with the children playing outside, or at a friend’s house. Ask your spouse to sit down to talk, and express that you believe that you are drifting apart. Express your love and desire to change things between you. Don’t blame your spouse, but express that both of you are at fault, and that both of you need to make some changes. Go through the following steps.
2. Reconcile past issues. If you regularly fight about specific issues with your spouse, or you have past issues that have never been resolved, make a list of these conflicts and begin a discussion about how you can resolve them. Without a truly reconciled relationship with your spouse, your communication will never be heart-to-heart. Unresolved conflicts are what caused you to drift away from each other, and resolving them is the first step back. To help, I have two worksheets that would be very helpful for you to begin the process. Go to www.covenantkeepers.org and click on “Articles” and then “Worksheets” and print “How to Resolve Conflicts” and “How to Solve Conflicts.” Work through these together with your spouse to begin the reconciliation process.
Jesus made it absolutely clear that resolving conflicts with anyone was one of His top priorities. He said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus also said, “If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). So, if you have resentment toward your mate, or you know your spouse is upset with you, you have the responsibility to go to them and try to reconcile the issue. Keep talking and praying until it is resolved. When you take this step, you are removing one of the greatest impediments to having a heart-to-heart relationship again.
3. Admit your communication failures. Humility concerning your faults and your communicative abilities, is absolutely essential to opening up a new and deeper fellowship with your spouse. God has explained in many places throughout the Scripture that if you want revival and awakening in your souls, you must humble yourself. God spoke through Isaiah the Prophet and said, “For thus says the High and Lofty One Who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: ‘I dwell in the high and holy place, with him who has a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones’” (Isaiah 57:15). Jesus spoke heart-to-heart with anyone who would listen to Him, and He was “gentle and lowly at heart” (Matthew 11:29). Humility is a fundamental key to this entire process.
Go back and look at the list of communication failures that I gave at the beginning of this article and consider if any of these are yours. Do you do any of these behaviors? If you do, turn from these today!
4. Be vulnerable. How does vulnerability affect your ability to communicate with your spouse? It reveals your willingness to be honest and open with your mate. Vulnerability allows you to admit your faults, ask forgiveness, and listen to your wife or husband’s thoughts, and speak heart-to-heart. This is why Jesus taught His disciples to, “First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). What is Jesus encouraging in this verse? He wanted His disciple’s to be honest with themselves about their own sins before they ever tried to tell others about their faults. Honesty with yourself is an absolute necessity if you want to become vulnerable with your mate.
King David revealed his own vulnerability throughout the Psalms. What an example for all of us to follow. He could talk about his failures and sins, his fears, his personal struggles, and his hopes (Psalm 51:3; Ps. 34:4; Ps. 119:81; Ps. 42:5). But the question is, will you be vulnerable like this with your mate? If you won’t, then don’t expect your spouse to be vulnerable with you. If you want heart-to-heart communication with your mate, then vulnerability is essential!
5. Vulnerability also requires that you walk in humility. The essence of vulnerability is humility. You know your own struggles and faults; therefore, you are not quick to judge your spouse for his or her faults. You can admit your needs before your mate. You can give and receive encouragement and correction from your spouse. Note how open Paul the Apostle was with the elders of the church of Ephesus. He said to them, “You know, from the first day that I came to Asia, in what manner I always lived among you, serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears and trials which happened to me by the plotting of the Jews” (Acts 20:18-19). Can you talk about your struggles with your spouse? If your husband or wife has some helpful encouragement or correction, will you listen to it and not get angry?
Humility also enables a mutual submissiveness with your mate that further enables this openness and vulnerability. Peter clearly commanded this kind of fellowship with others when he said, “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble’” (1 Peter 5:5). Humility is the key to this submissive attitude that can listen to the other. In addition, without this vulnerability and humility, you will forfeit the great grace God wants to bestow upon your marriage relationship.
6. Choose your words carefully. One of the most critical requirements for heart-to-heart fellowship with your spouse will be the words that you choose to use. As Solomon said, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). The word soft in this verse means tender or gentle words. The word harsh means to speak offensive and hurtful words. So, which takes place with your spouse on a regular basis, tender and gentle words, or offensive and hurtful ones?
Only you have the ability to choose how you will speak with your mate. You are the only one who can change the words you speak. Don’t blame-shift and excuse your own responsibility by saying, “I wouldn’t talk the way I do, if he or she didn’t come off so harsh toward me.” Being honest with yourself is vital in changing this part of your communication. You have the choice as to how you will respond! God has made it clear what He wants, He said, “choose what pleases Me” (Isaiah 56:4). This is your responsibility!
You can say things several different ways if you choose. When your spouse fails to do what you have asked them to do, you can say, “This is the fifth time I’ve told you that this bothers me. What is your problem? Are you deaf, or are you just dumb?” Or, you can say, “Honey did you forget about this or that issue? This is really important to me.” Then explain the reason why this issue is so important to you. Which response would create a conflict, and which would help you get to a solution? The answer is obvious!
7. Become a better listener. In most marriages one person is more verbal that the other. The person who is more verbal usually dominates the conversations which hinders the less verbal person from taking. Consequently, the less verbal spouse begins to believe their mate does not value their thoughts and opinions. This causes the less verbal person to retreat and not share equally, which destroys the ability to have a heart-to-heart fellowship together. This is why James taught the church, “My beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”(James 1:19).
How can you change this imbalance? It is just a choice. The more verbal spouse must learn to use less words, and the less verbal person needs to use more words. For couples that just can’t seem to do it, I recommend using a kitchen timer. Set it for one minute, and say whatever you need to say. Then reset it for your spouse, and allow them to talk without interruption. This ensures equal time. Eventually people learn to discipline themselves to give this equal time to each other. Remember, you can’t have heart-to-heart talks when only one person is allowed to talk.
8. It takes two to tango. The tango is the most intimate dance that two people can enjoy. Each must move and step in a precise manner, or the couple will step all over each other, or fall to the floor. My point is that communication is like the tango. Both partners must participate and work together to enable heart-to-heart fellowship. It can’t be done alone. You need a willing heart, and your spouse also must be willing. You both must deal with your own personal faults, and you both must choose to be vulnerable with one another. Each of you must listen and give equal time to the other to respond.
Therefore, I encourage you to respond to the Lord in your personal life, and allow Him to work within you to change the way you communicate. Focus on getting to the place of heart-to-heart communication with each other. It will take work, but the work will bring the rewarding relationship you desire.
All of the steps I have just outlined in this article must be obeyed by both partners. It can’t be done by just one spouse alone. One of you must choose to start to speak heart-to-heart with the other. Trust that God will soften your spouse to respond. Remember, not even God Himself with all His power and authority, can by Himself fix the relationship with mankind. Ultimately, reconciliation requires men to respond to Him in repentance. This is why Jesus commanded those who heard Him to, “Repent and believe in the Gospel” (Mark 1:15). So, I am asking you to repent of your side of the problem as it relates to communication, and humble yourself before God and your spouse. You take the step to start the conversation. You won’t regret it!
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