Category: Suffering

Breaking Free from the Orphan Spirit, Self-Pity, and Victim Mentality

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The spirit of self-pity is a powerful and deceptive force that keeps people trapped in cycles of discouragement, victimhood, and isolation. It is a subdivision of the orphan spirit, which operates through feelings of rejection, abandonment, and a lack of true identity in Christ. While the orphan spirit causes people to feel fatherless—struggling with belonging and love—the spirit of self-pity keeps them focused on their pain, disappointments, and perceived injustices rather than on God’s truth and healing.

The world is filled with people who, despite their successes or outward confidence, struggle with a deep-rooted sense of rejection, abandonment, and victimhood. This unseen yet powerful force is often referred to as the orphan spirit—a mindset that convinces people they are alone, unwanted, and must fight for everything on their own.

Closely tied to this is the spirit of self-pity and victim mentality, which leads individuals to dwell on past hurts, blame others for their struggles, and believe that life is unfairly stacked against them. But there is good news: God never intended for us to live as orphans, slaves to our past, or prisoners of self-pity. Through Christ, we are offered sonship, freedom, and identity as beloved children of God. This article explores the orphan spirit, its effects, and how we can fully embrace our God-given identity through the renewal of our minds.

Understanding the Spirit of Self-Pity and Victim Mentality

Characteristics of the Spirit of Self-Pity

1. Victim Mentality – A person under this influence constantly feels like life is unfair, that others are against them, and that they are always on the receiving end of mistreatment.

2. Emotional Paralysis – Instead of seeking healing or moving forward, self-pity keeps people stuck in their wounds, reliving past hurts instead of embracing growth.

3. Attention-Seeking Behavior – Those struggling with self-pity may often seek affirmation from others, hoping to receive sympathy rather than seeking true healing from God.

4. Resentment and Bitterness – When self-pity goes unchecked, it can turn into deep resentment toward God and others, leading to an inability to forgive.

5. Isolation and Loneliness – It convinces people that no one understands them or cares, reinforcing the orphan spirit’s lie that they are alone.

How It Ties into the Orphan Spirit

The orphan spirit makes people feel unloved, unwanted, and abandoned, leading them to seek identity and worth outside of God. The spirit of self-pity then feeds off this orphan mindset, reinforcing the idea that “no one cares” or “God has forgotten me.” This combination prevents people from embracing their identity as sons and daughters of God, keeping them in bondage to their emotions, past experiences, and negative perceptions of life.

Understanding the Orphan Spirit

The orphan spirit is not just about being physically fatherless; it is a spiritual condition that makes people feel abandoned, rejected, and unworthy. Those who struggle with this spirit often:

• Feel like they must earn love and approval

• Live in constant fear of rejection

• Have difficulty trusting others, including God

• Struggle with deep-seated insecurities

• Operate in self-reliance rather than surrender to God

This mindset is dangerous because it keeps people from fully embracing the love and security that God offers. Instead of seeing themselves as sons and daughters of God, they see themselves as outsiders looking in—never truly belonging.

Romans 8:15 (NIV) – “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry out, ‘Abba, Father.’”

God calls us His children, not orphans. To live in an orphan spirit is to deny the full inheritance and identity He has given us.

How Family Wounds Contribute to the Orphan Spirit

The Connection Between the Orphan Spirit, Self-Pity, and a Victim Mentality

Many people struggle with the orphan spirit, self-pity, and a victim mentality because of deep wounds from past relationships—especially with parents, family, or authority figures. When we experience rejection, neglect, or abandonment, it can shape how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and even how we view God.

These wounds can make us feel like:

• We are unloved or not good enough.

• We must strive for approval and prove our worth.

• No one truly understands or cares about us.

• We are alone, with no one to protect or provide for us.

If these wounds are not healed, they can open the door for the orphan spirit, leading to self-pity and a victim mentality.

1. How Family Wounds Create the Orphan Spirit

Many struggles with identity and self-worth begin in childhood, often due to broken relationships with fathers, mothers, or caregivers.

Father Wounds

The father’s role is to provide love, protection, guidance, and affirmation. If a father was absent, neglectful, abusive, or emotionally distant, it can lead to:

• Feeling unwanted or rejected—leading to an orphan spirit.

• Struggling to trust authority—thinking that leadership will always fail or abandon you.

• Seeking approval through performance—believing love must be earned.

• Fear of rejection—assuming others will eventually leave or betray you.

How This Affects Your Relationship with God:

• You may struggle to see God as a loving, trustworthy Father.

• You might think you have to earn God’s love instead of receiving it freely.

• You may feel that God is distant, silent, or uninterested in your struggles.

Mother Wounds

A mother provides nurturing, comfort, and emotional security. If a mother was overly critical, absent, or emotionally unavailable, it can cause:

• Insecurity and low self-worth—feeling like you’re never “good enough.”

• Fear of abandonment—leading to clinginess or extreme independence.

• Seeking validation from unhealthy relationships—trying to fill the emotional void.

• Self-pity and emotional instability—constantly feeling rejected or unloved.

How This Affects Your Relationships:

• You may struggle with emotional intimacy, either fearing closeness or becoming overly dependent.

• You may seek constant validation from others, feeling empty without external approval.

• You might have difficulty receiving love, believing you are unworthy of it.

Family and Generational Patterns

Beyond parents, family culture can reinforce the orphan spirit. If you grew up in an environment of:

• Dysfunction, brokenness, or divorce—you may feel unsafe and abandoned.

• Comparison or favoritism—you may feel unseen or unworthy.

• Emotional or physical abuse—you may struggle with fear, anger, or self-hatred.

How This Affects Your Mindset:

• You may develop a victim mentality, feeling like life is unfair and always against you.

• You may live in self-pity, believing you will never be loved, helped, or valued.

• You may expect rejection and failure, making it hard to trust or take risks.

How the Orphan Spirit Leads to Self-Pity and a Victim Mentality

When people experience deep wounds, they often feel powerless and abandoned, which can lead to self-pity and a victim mindset.

Signs of Self-Pity & Victim Mentality:

• Blaming Others – Feeling like your life is unfair because of what others have done to you.

• Feeling Powerless – Believing that you can’t change your life or move forward.

• Constantly Seeking Sympathy – Wanting people to feel sorry for you instead of seeking healing.

• Resisting Accountability – Rejecting correction because it feels like further rejection.

• Fearing Rejection – Assuming that people will abandon or betray you.

• Living in the Past – Focusing on past hurts instead of God’s healing and future plans.

Self-pity keeps you trapped because it shifts focus from healing to hopelessness. It makes people believe:

• “No one understands me.”

• “Nothing ever goes right for me.”

• “I’ll always be broken, rejected, or abandoned.”

But these are lies from the enemy! God has called you to freedom, healing, and victory.

Self-Assessment: Do You Have an Orphan Spirit or a Spirit of Sonship?

Orphan Spirit vs. Sonship Questionnaire

This questionnaire is designed to help identify whether someone is operating from an orphan spirit or living in the sonship that God has given through Christ. Answer each question honestly.

Part 1: Identity & Relationship with God

1. Do you struggle to believe that God truly loves and accepts you?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

2. Do you feel like you have to earn God’s love through performance, good works, or striving?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

3. When you sin or make a mistake, do you feel like you must hide from God or that He is angry with you?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

4. Do you see yourself as God’s beloved child, or do you feel more like a servant/slave in His kingdom?

• □ I feel more like a servant (Orphan)

• □ I know I’m His beloved child (Sonship)

Part 2: Relationship with Others

5. Do you often compare yourself to others, feeling either inferior or superior?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

6. Do you struggle with jealousy or competition, feeling the need to prove yourself?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

7. Do you have trouble trusting others, fearing that they will reject or abandon you?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

8. Do you struggle with receiving love, encouragement, or correction from spiritual leaders or mentors?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

Part 3: Emotional and Mental State

9. Do you often feel lonely, unwanted, or like you don’t belong?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

10. Do you battle self-pity, feeling like no one understands or cares about you?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

11. Do you live with a constant fear of failure, rejection, or abandonment?

• □ Yes (Orphan)

• □ No (Sonship)

12. Do you feel secure in your identity in Christ, knowing you are loved regardless of circumstances?

• □ No (Orphan)

• □ Yes (Sonship)

Part 4: Spiritual Growth & Freedom

13. When you pray, do you feel like a child talking to their loving Father, or do you feel distant from God?

• □ Distant/Disconnected (Orphan)

• □ Close/Intimate (Sonship)

14. Do you struggle with condemnation and guilt, or do you walk in the confidence of God’s grace?

• □ I struggle with guilt (Orphan)

• □ I walk in grace (Sonship)

15. Do you serve God out of love and joy, or out of duty and obligation?

• □ Duty/Obligation (Orphan)

• □ Love/Joy (Sonship)

How to Evaluate Your Answers

• If you answered mostly “Orphan”, it’s likely that the orphan spirit is influencing your thoughts, emotions, and actions. But the good news is that God is calling you into freedom, identity, and sonship!

• If you answered mostly “Sonship”, you are walking in your identity as a child of God, but continue to grow in His love and confidence.

Would you like help in moving from an orphan mindset to fully embracing your sonship in Christ?

Reborn and Led by The Spirit

As born-again Christians, we are spiritually reborn and called to live by the Spirit, not by the mindset of the world. Galatians 3:26-29 states:

“For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.”

This passage reminds us that in Christ, we are a new creation, no longer bound by worldly divisions, labels, or old identities. The orphan spirit—including self-pity—is tied to the old way of thinking, where people define themselves by past wounds, social status, or human identity rather than their identity in Christ.

Renewing the Mind and Overcoming the Orphan Spirit

Romans 12:2 emphasizes this transformation:

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

This renewal happens through:

1. Obeying the Holy Spirit – The Spirit leads us into truth, teaching us to reject self-pity, fear, and an orphan mindset. (John 16:13)

2. Thinking Differently from the World – The world teaches us to dwell on pain, offense, and injustice, but we are called to focus on God’s truth, love, and purpose. (Colossians 3:2)

3. Walking in Sonship – Instead of acting like spiritual orphans—seeking validation, striving, or feeling abandoned—we rest in the reality that we are God’s children, fully loved and accepted. (Romans 8:15-17)

Living as Spirit-Led, Reborn Christians

If we truly follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, we won’t allow self-pity, victimhood, or worldly thinking to dominate our lives. Instead, we will:

• Walk in boldness and confidence in our identity as children of God.

• Refuse to dwell on past hurts because we know we are healed and redeemed.

• See ourselves as God sees us—not by worldly status, race, or background, but as part of God’s kingdom.

• Live in gratitude and faith, knowing that we are heirs of the promise.

How to Practically Walk in Sonship and Reject the Orphan Spirit

Living as a renewed, Spirit-led believer means intentionally rejecting old thought patterns and embracing our identity in Christ daily. Here’s how you can walk this out practically:

Renew Your Mind Daily with God’s Word

• Meditate on Scripture – Read and declare verses about your identity in Christ, such as:

• Romans 8:15-17 – “You have received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry, ‘Abba, Father!’”

• Ephesians 1:4-5 – “He predestined us for adoption to Himself as sons through Jesus Christ.”

• Replace Lies with Truth – Whenever thoughts of self-pity, rejection, or fear come, speak God’s truth over yourself.

Breaking Free from the Spirit of Self-Pity

1. Recognise It as a Spiritual Battle

Self-pity is not just an emotional issue; it is a spiritual stronghold that must be confronted with truth. The enemy uses self-pity to keep people inward-focused and defeated, but God calls us to walk in faith, freedom, and victory (2 Corinthians 10:4-5).

2. Repent and Renounce It

Acknowledge self-pity as a sinful mindset that contradicts God’s promises. Repent for believing the lies of the enemy, renounce self-pity in prayer, and ask for God’s forgiveness.

3. Embrace Your Identity in Christ

The antidote to the orphan spirit is sonship. God has not left us as orphans—He calls us His beloved children:

“For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father.’” (Romans 8:15)

Meditate on scriptures that affirm God’s love and your position as His child (Galatians 4:7, John 1:12).

4. Shift Focus to Gratitude

Self-pity thrives on what is lacking, but gratitude shifts the focus to God’s blessings and faithfulness.

“In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Start keeping a gratitude journal—write down daily testimonies of God’s goodness.

5. Engage in Spiritual Warfare

Pray against the stronghold of self-pity and declare God’s truth over your life. Use scriptures like:

• Isaiah 41:10 – “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.”

• 2 Timothy 1:7 – “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.”

• Psalm 147:3 – “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

6. Seek Godly Community

Isolation fuels self-pity, but healing happens in community. Surround yourself with believers who will encourage you, speak life into you, and hold you accountable.

Walking in Freedom and Sonship

The spirit of self-pity is a deceptive tool of the enemy, keeping people trapped in pain and powerlessness. But God calls His children to live in freedom, faith, and fullness.

By rejecting self-pity and embracing God’s love and truth, we can break free from the orphan spirit and walk in our true identity as beloved sons and daughters of God.

Declare This Today:

“I am not an orphan! I am a child of God, loved, accepted, and chosen. I reject self-pity, and I walk in the fullness of God’s promises for my life!”

God has not forgotten you. He has not abandoned you. You are His child—chosen, loved, and set apart for His glory.

It’s time to rise above self-pity, cast off the orphan spirit, and step into the abundant life Christ has for you.

Recognize the Lies & Replace Them with Truth

The enemy uses wounds from the past to make us believe we are alone, rejected, or unworthy. But God’s Word says:

• Lie: “I am alone.” → Truth: “God will never leave me nor forsake me.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

• Lie: “I have to earn love.” → Truth: “I am accepted in the Beloved.” (Ephesians 1:6)

• Lie: “I will always be rejected.” → Truth: “Nothing can separate me from God’s love.” (Romans 8:38-39)

• Lie: “My past defines me.” → Truth: “Anyone in Christ is a new creation.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

These truths from God’s Word help break the power of the orphan spirit and victim mentality. Whenever you hear the lies of the enemy, counter them with God’s truth. Remember, you are loved, accepted, and chosen by God.

Forgive & Let Go of the Past

One of the biggest ways the orphan spirit and self-pity hold people captive is through unforgiveness. To fully walk in freedom, you must release any bitterness, resentment, or pain from your past.

• Forgive parents or family members who hurt you.

• Forgive yourself for any wrong choices you’ve made.

• Forgive God if you have felt like He abandoned you.

Prayer for Forgiveness:

“Father, I forgive those who have hurt me. I release them from any debt they owe me. I choose to walk in freedom, not in bitterness. Heal my heart and fill me with Your love. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

Conclusion: Embracing Your True Identity in Christ

Healing from the orphan spirit, self-pity, and victim mentality requires recognizing the lies that have held you captive and replacing them with God’s truth. These deceptive forces keep individuals trapped in cycles of rejection, discouragement, and powerlessness. However, through Christ, we are no longer orphans—we are beloved sons and daughters of God, fully accepted and deeply loved. This journey involves forgiving those who have hurt you, forgiving yourself, and allowing God to heal the wounds of your past. As you embrace your true identity, you will experience the freedom, love, and peace that only He can offer, walking in the fullness of His promises and living in the victory He has already secured for you.

Final Declaration:

I reject the orphan spirit, self-pity, and victim mentality. I embrace my identity as a beloved child of God. I walk in freedom, victory, and the fullness of His promises for my life!”Now is the time to rise up, shake off the chains of the past, and step boldly into your God-given destiny. You are no longer an orphan. You are a beloved child of God, free and victorious in Christ, walk in the power of that truth!

In God’s Will: When Obedience Costs Everything

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What does it truly mean to walk in the will of the Lord? Often, following God means swimming against the current of human expectations, risking rejection, and sacrificing comfort. The Bible is replete with stories of individuals who remained faithful to God’s call, even when they were criticized, misunderstood, or seemingly abandoned. Their examples challenge us to ask: Are we seeking God’s approval or the world’s? Are we willing to serve where He places us, whether in the spotlight or in obscurity?

Living in God’s will isn’t about earthly popularity or personal ambition. It’s about surrender, obedience, and faithfulness—whether our path leads to acclaim or hardship.

1. Obedience Often Invites Opposition

From the earliest pages of Scripture, we see that walking in obedience to God frequently comes at a cost. The world’s values often clash with God’s standards, and His servants are called to choose between human approval and divine allegiance.

• Noah: Noah was asked to build an ark in a time when rain, let alone a flood, seemed implausible. For decades, he endured mockery from a corrupt generation, yet he obeyed God without wavering (Genesis 6:9-22, Hebrews 11:7). Noah’s story reminds us that obedience may isolate us but positions us to receive God’s protection and favor.

• Jeremiah: Known as the “weeping prophet,” Jeremiah was tasked with delivering messages of judgment to a rebellious people. He faced imprisonment, public scorn, and even death threats (Jeremiah 20:1-2, Jeremiah 26:8-9). Despite his suffering, Jeremiah remained faithful, demonstrating that obedience to God sometimes means bearing burdens no one else understands.

• Jesus Christ: The perfect example of obedience, Jesus consistently chose the will of the Father over human approval. He healed the sick, forgave sinners, and preached the kingdom of God, yet He was despised and rejected (Isaiah 53:3, John 1:11). Even in the Garden of Gethsemane, He prayed, “Not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). His life teaches us that the cost of obedience is worth it because it fulfills God’s ultimate purpose.

2. God’s Ways Are Higher

Scripture reminds us that God’s plans often defy human logic and expectations: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord (Isaiah 55:8). Walking in the will of God requires trust in His sovereignty, even when His path seems counterintuitive or unpopular. Consider the Apostle Paul, who left a promising career as a Pharisee to follow Christ, facing beatings, imprisonment, and ultimately martyrdom (2 Corinthians 11:23-27). His motivation? To please God, not man (Galatians 1:10).

3. Eternal Rewards for Faithfulness

While obedience to God may bring earthly challenges, it also brings eternal rewards. Paul writes in 2 Timothy 4:7-8, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness.” Those who remain faithful to God will be honored by Him, even if they are disregarded by the world.

Staying Faithful Where You Are

1. God Often Prepares Us in Obscurity

Many of God’s servants were shaped by years of quiet preparation before stepping into their ultimate calling.

• Moses: Before leading Israel, Moses spent 40 years tending sheep in Midian (Exodus 3:1). This seemingly mundane task was God’s training ground, teaching him patience, humility, and reliance on divine guidance. When Moses later faced opposition from the Israelites in the wilderness, his years in obscurity had prepared him to lead with perseverance.

• David: Before becoming king, David spent years as a shepherd and later as a fugitive, fleeing from Saul. These years of obscurity taught him to trust God in all circumstances, a lesson reflected in his psalms (Psalm 23, Psalm 27).

2. Faithfulness in Small Things

Jesus emphasized the importance of being faithful in the small, unseen tasks: “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much” (Luke 16:10). Whether serving as a shepherd like Moses or simply remaining steadfast in prayer, God sees and values our faithfulness.

3. Perseverance Through Rejection

Jesus Himself experienced rejection by His own people: “No prophet is accepted in his hometown” (Luke 4:24). Yet He continued His mission, modeling for us the importance of serving where God places us, regardless of recognition. Similarly, Paul encouraged believers: “Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

Key Takeaways for Us Today

1. God’s Sovereignty Over Popularity

Walking in God’s will requires surrendering our desire for approval and trusting His higher purposes. Whether we are called to stand boldly like Jeremiah or serve quietly like Moses, our focus should be on pleasing Him, not the crowd (Proverbs 29:25).

2. Purpose in Pain

Opposition and obscurity are not signs of failure but of refinement. As James 1:2-4 reminds us: “Consider it pure joy… whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” God uses difficult seasons to deepen our trust and prepare us for greater assignments.

3. Faithfulness Defines Success

Success in God’s kingdom is not measured by numbers, recognition, or worldly accolades but by faithfulness. Jesus’ words in Matthew 25:21 echo this truth: “Well done, good and faithful servant!” Whether leading a nation, building an ark, or caring for sheep, the true measure of our lives is found in our obedience to God.

Conclusion

The most important question for any believer is not, “Am I successful?” or “Am I appreciated?” but “Am I where God wants me to be?” Whether standing firm against popular opinion or serving faithfully in an unseen place, the ultimate goal is to honor God and fulfill His purpose. His rewards are eternal, and His approval is worth far more than the fleeting favor of man. Let us remain steadfast, knowing that our labor in the Lord is never in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58).

A Prayer for Faithfulness and Obedience

Heavenly Father,

We come before You with hearts longing to do Your will. Teach us to walk in obedience to Your plans, even when the path is difficult or misunderstood by others. Strengthen us to stand firm in faith when the world opposes us, just as Noah, Jeremiah, and Your Son, Jesus, did.

Lord, help us to seek Your approval above all else. Free us from the need for human recognition, and remind us that Your favor is our greatest reward. When we feel unseen or unappreciated, reassure us of Your presence and Your eternal purposes for our lives.

Father, give us patience in seasons of waiting and courage in moments of opposition. Help us to be faithful in the small things, trusting that You are using them to prepare us for greater things. Teach us to trust Your timing and Your ways, even when they seem unclear.

May we never grow weary in doing good, and may we remain steadfast in our service to You. Let our lives bring glory to Your name, whether we are called to stand boldly in the spotlight or to serve quietly in the background.

Thank You, Lord, for the promise that our labor in You is never in vain. Help us to hear the words “Well done, good and faithful servant” at the end of our race. Until that day, keep our hearts focused on You, our strength rooted in Your Spirit, and our joy anchored in Your love.

In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, we pray.

Amen.

———————-

** Photo by Evelyn Chong at Pexels

From Despair to Hope: A Lifeline for the Suicidal and Broken

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“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…” ~ Matthew 11:28

In a world burdened by struggles, confusion, and despair, many find themselves in battles that feel overwhelming and unwinnable. Suicidal thoughts, depression, and feelings of worthlessness are weapons used by the enemy to isolate and weaken us. I know because I have been there. The Bible reminds us in Ephesians 6:12 that our struggle is not merely against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of darkness.

People are being tormented by the enemy, Satan, through various means, including addictions, mental illness, and painful life circumstances. The enemy whispers lies of hopelessness, worthlessness, and fear into the hearts of the vulnerable. Yet even in these dark times, there is hope—hope found in the unfailing love of our Creator and the healing power of Jesus Christ.

Understanding the Struggle

Suicidal thoughts are often rooted in deep pain caused by life’s challenges—loss, trauma, addiction, or mental illness. Drugs and alcohol, while often used to numb the pain, can open doors to spiritual oppression, intensifying feelings of despair. Mental health conditions may leave individuals feeling trapped, and overwhelming life circumstances can make escape seem impossible.

It is vital to understand that these struggles are not signs of weakness or failure. Instead, they are symptoms of a larger spiritual and emotional battle. Suicidal thoughts are not who you are; they are part of the fight you are facing.

Hope in the Midst of Despair

Every life matters, and we are deeply loved by our Heavenly Father. God’s Word assures us of His love:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

God created each of us with purpose and value. He cares for us deeply, from the womb to the tomb, and longs to bring healing and restoration to our lives—mind, body, and soul.

The Gift of Salvation

When Jesus came to earth, He brought hope and freedom. He came to save us from sin and its consequences, offering eternal life to all who believe in Him. Sin, which separates us from God, takes many forms—sexual immorality, addictions, lying, unforgiveness, and more. While these sins weigh us down, Jesus offers forgiveness and redemption.

Through His death on the cross and resurrection, Jesus conquered sin and death. His sacrifice allows us to be restored to God, no matter how broken we feel. Romans 10:9 says, “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” This invitation is for everyone, regardless of background or past mistakes.

Breaking the Chains of Hopelessness

The enemy thrives on lies, isolating us with thoughts of worthlessness and despair. To break free, we must replace these lies with God’s truth:

• Lie: “I am worthless.”

Truth: “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14).

• Lie: “No one cares about me.”

Truth: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

• Lie: “There’s no hope for me.”

Truth: “For nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).

Practical and Spiritual Steps Toward Healing

1. Seek God’s Deliverance and Healing

• Turn to Him in Prayer: Confess your struggles to God and ask Him to heal your heart and mind.

• Pray for Freedom from Oppression: Whether your struggles stem from addictions or spiritual attacks, ask God to break the chains.

• Invite the Holy Spirit to Fill You: The Holy Spirit strengthens and comforts us in ways no one else can.

2. Surround Yourself with a Supportive Community

Isolation is one of the enemy’s most powerful tools. Connect with a local church, prayer group, or supportive friends who can encourage you and walk alongside you in your healing journey.

3. Spend Time in God’s Word

The Bible is full of promises and encouragement for those who are hurting. Meditate on passages like these:

• “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

• “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

4. Seek Professional Help

• Mental Health Support: Therapy and medical care are essential tools in addressing depression and mental illness. God often works through professionals to bring healing.

• Faith-Based Recovery: If addiction plays a role in your struggles, consider joining a recovery group that focuses on both spiritual and practical growth.

Take One Day at a Time

Healing is a journey, not an instant transformation. Focus on trusting God each day and allowing Him to guide you step by step.

Finding Purpose in Pain

God can take the most painful experiences and use them for good. Your journey, as difficult as it may be, can become a testimony of hope for others. When you allow God to bring healing, your story can inspire and encourage those who feel lost and alone.

An Invitation to New Life

If you’re battling suicidal thoughts, Jesus invites you to come to Him as you are. He loves you unconditionally and offers rest for your weary soul. Lay your burdens at His feet, and trust that He will provide peace and strength to overcome.

As Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers… will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

You Are Not Alone

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please know that you are not alone. God sees your pain and loves you deeply. Reach out to a trusted person, counselor, or crisis hotline for immediate help. Healing and restoration are possible through Him.

No matter how dark life may feel right now, God has a purpose and a plan for you. He stands ready to embrace you with open arms and lead you into a future filled with hope and healing. Choose life today. Choose Jesus.

A list of organizations that provide support in the USA and UK:

Christian Organizations Offering Support and Resources (USA) 🇺🇸

  1. Focus on the Family
    www.focusonthefamily.com
    Offers counseling, resources, and guidance for individuals and families facing challenges.
  2. Celebrate Recovery
    www.celebraterecovery.com
    A Christ-centered 12-step recovery program for those struggling with addiction, pain, or trauma.
  3. National Association for Christian Recovery (NACR)
    www.nacr.org
    Provides resources for those in recovery and seeking healing through faith.
  4. The Hope Line
    www.thehopeline.com
    Offers free Christian counseling and support for those struggling with depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts.
  5. American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC)
    www.aacc.net
    Helps connect individuals with licensed Christian counselors for mental health and spiritual support.
  6. Billy Graham Evangelistic Association (BGEA) Prayer Line
    www.billygraham.org | Call: 1-877-247-2426
    Offers prayer and spiritual guidance for anyone in need.
  7. Teen Challenge USA
    www.teenchallengeusa.org
    Faith-based recovery programs for teens and adults struggling with life-controlling issues.
  8. Faithful Counseling
    www.faithfulcounseling.com
    A platform for online therapy with licensed Christian counselors.
  9. GriefShare
    www.griefshare.org
    A support group and resource network for those grieving the loss of a loved one.

Christian Organizations Offering Support and Resources (UK) 🇬🇧

  1. Premier Lifeline (Christian Helpline)
    www.premierlifeline.org.uk | Call: 0300 111 0101
    A confidential Christian helpline offering support and prayer.
  2. Mind and Soul Foundation
    www.mindandsoulfoundation.org
    Provides resources and support at the intersection of faith and mental health.
  3. Christian Counseling UK
    www.counsellinguk.org
    Connects individuals with Christian counselors across the UK.
  4. Hope UK
    www.hopeuk.org
    A Christian organization providing education and support around addiction and substance abuse.
  5. The Samaritans (Christian Volunteers Available)
    www.samaritans.org | Call: 116 123
    Offers 24/7 support for anyone in emotional distress, with Christian volunteers available upon request.
  6. CAP (Christians Against Poverty)
    www.capuk.org
    Provides free debt counseling and support for those in financial difficulty.
  7. Youth for Christ (YFC UK)
    www.yfc.co.uk
    Offers resources and support for young people, with a focus on faith and hope.
  8. Christian Helplines Association (CHA)
    www.christianhelplines.org.uk
    A network of Christian helplines offering prayer and emotional support.
  9. Alcoholics Victorious UK
    www.alcoholicsvictorious.co.uk
    A Christian-based support network for individuals overcoming addiction.
  10. Churches Together in England (CTE)
    www.cte.org.uk
    A nationwide resource to help connect individuals with local churches and support groups.

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** Lori McPherson’s Testimony / By Photo by Marcos Fernandes de Matos at Pexels

Made in God’s Image: A Radical Truth in a Confused World

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In a world increasingly shaped by confusion and conflicting ideologies about our identity, it’s essential to return to the truth of Scripture to rediscover who we truly are. The profound and foundational truth that we are made in God’s image is not only the key to understanding our purpose but also the antidote to the confusion and despair that many face today. At the same time, we see a striking contradiction in society. On one hand, there is a growing emphasis on mental health and well-being, particularly for children and young people—a focus that is undeniably valuable. Yet, on the other hand, these same individuals are often taught that they are merely the accidental products of random, unguided processes. This disparity raises urgent questions about where our true value and sense of purpose come from.

This prevailing worldview, commonly seen in schools and even showcased in places like the Natural History Museum, suggests that humans originated from a “molecule-to-man” evolutionary process through natural selection. Under this framework, human beings are stripped of intrinsic value or ultimate purpose. If we are merely “rearranged atoms,” no different than the chairs we sit on, why should we consider ourselves more valuable than those objects? One bleak perspective even puts it this way: “It’s a fluke that you were born, all is futile while you live, and you’ll be fertilizer when you die.”

Environmental concerns, often valid, further deepen this narrative by portraying humanity as the planet’s primary problem. Influential figures like David Attenborough have even referred to mankind as a “plague on the planet.” These ideas contribute to widespread struggles among young people—challenges with identity, worth, and purpose—often leading them to cling desperately to fleeting causes.

The Bible’s Antidote: Our True Identity

Amid this cultural confusion, we find hope and clarity in the Bible. Genesis 1:26-27 teaches us a radically different truth about who we are. Humanity is made in the image of God. This phrase appears three times in just two verses, emphasizing its importance. “Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27 So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.”

Humanity’s Unique Role in Creation

It is essential to note that only humans are described as being made in God’s image. While other living things are described as being made “according to their kind” (Genesis 1:24-25), humanity is set apart. Though we share similarities with animals, such as being made of the same physical elements and consuming similar foods, the differences are vast and profound:

• Communication: Human communication is far more complex.

• Innovation: Unlike spiders that spin the same web design repeatedly, humans innovate endlessly.

• Self-awareness: Humans ponder their purpose, study the world, and plan for the future.

• Appreciation of beauty: Our ability to create and appreciate art reflects the Creator Himself.

The Bible clearly teaches that the image of God was present from humanity’s beginning. This is not a trait added partway through a slow evolutionary process. Genesis 5:3 confirms that Adam passed this image onto his descendants, meaning all humans are bearers of God’s image. Furthermore, Genesis 1:31 declares that creation was not just “good” but “very good” only after humanity was created. Humanity is the pinnacle of God’s creation, the culmination of His work, as Psalm 8 poetically reflects: “You made man a little lower than the angels and crowned him with glory and honor.”

What Does It Mean to Be Made in God’s Image?

The phrase “image of God” comes from the Hebrew word “tselem,” meaning a replica or representative. In the ancient Near East, kings would place statues of themselves in far-flung regions of their empires to symbolize their authority. Similarly, humanity represents God’s authority and presence in the world.

Here are five “R’s” that summarize what it means to be made in God’s image:

1. Representing God

We are God’s representatives on Earth, symbolizing His dominion and authority. This is why the second commandment forbids creating images of God for worship; humanity itself is His intended representation.

2. Resembling God

The phrase “in His likeness” (Hebrew: “demuth”) expands the idea of resemblance. We resemble God in personal, moral, and rational ways:

• We are personal beings, capable of relationships.

• We are moral beings, understanding right and wrong.

• We think, reason, feel, and act with purpose, as God does.

While we are not divine—we are neither eternal nor self-sufficient like God—we reflect aspects of His character, much like the moon reflects the light of the sun.

3. Ruling for God

Genesis 1:26 continues: “…so that they may rule over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and over all the earth.” The word for “rule” (Hebrew: “rāḏâ”) implies dominion and stewardship. Humans are entrusted with managing creation for its benefit, a role that remains positive despite the fall.

This stewardship involves cultivating and managing the earth to promote flourishing. Genesis 2 expands on this role, depicting Adam placed in the Garden to “work it and take care of it” (Genesis 2:15). Contrary to popular claims that nature would thrive without humans, evidence shows that human management often increases biodiversity and ecological health. For instance, even secular conservationists recognize that rewilding efforts (leaving land untouched) can reduce biodiversity. Carefully managed areas, such as gardens or cultivated lands, often support more diverse ecosystems than those left wild.

4. Reflecting God

As God’s image bearers, we are called to reflect His attributes—His love, righteousness, and justice. This reflection glorifies Him and points others to His character.

A Unique Design and Purpose

Humanity’s role as God’s image bearers underscores our unique purpose. Adam’s naming of the animals (Genesis 2:19-20) highlights this distinction; no animal was found to be a suitable helper for Adam because none shared God’s image.

When God declared it was “not good” for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18), He created woman as a complementary partner, further emphasizing the relational nature of humanity—a reflection of the relational nature of God Himself.

This foundational truth—that humanity is made in the image of God—contradicts the despairing messages of our culture. It affirms our value, dignity, and purpose, reminding us that we are more than atoms or accidents. We are God’s representatives, rulers, and reflections, created to glorify Him and enjoy His creation.

5. Made for Relationship

In addition to representing, resembling, and ruling for God, humanity was created for relationship. Genesis 1:27 emphasizes this: “male and female He created them.” Relationships are central to the human experience because they reflect the very nature of God Himself.

In Genesis 1:26, God says, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness.” The plural pronouns point to the truth of the Trinity—God as one being in three persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This perfect, eternal relationship of love within the Trinity has profound implications. It reveals that love is intrinsic to God’s nature. Even before creating humanity, God existed in a communion of love. Unlike a solitary deity, a trinitarian God is inherently relational, making Him a God of love.

God’s design for us is rooted in this relational nature. He created us to participate in this love and to relate to Him in worship. In Genesis, God speaks to Adam and Eve, commands them, and walks with them in the garden. Humanity alone, among all creation, is given the capacity to communicate with God and with one another in meaningful ways.

Reflecting God in Human Relationships

God’s design extends to human relationships, starting with marriage. The union of man and woman reflects God’s relational nature and serves as a foundation for families. The psalmist speaks of God placing the lonely in families, emphasizing that all relationships—friendships, families, and communities—find their root in our shared identity as image-bearers of God.

However, society often promotes individualism and isolation, countering God’s intention for relationships. The idea of self-sufficiency, where everything is tailored for individual consumption, may seem appealing, but it directly opposes the biblical truth that we are created for connection.

The Marring of the Image

Although we are made in the image of God, that image has been marred by sin. Genesis 3 describes the fall of humanity through Adam and Eve’s disobedience. Though we retain God’s image, it has been distorted. Like graffiti defacing a masterpiece, sin obscures our ability to fully reflect God’s glory and carry out our God-given roles.

The Nature of the Fall

Satan’s temptation to Eve was rooted in pride and dissatisfaction. He suggested that she could “be like God,” ignoring the truth that humanity was already made in His image. Adam, failing to exercise his headship, joined in disobedience. As a result, sin entered the world, bringing suffering, pain, and death.

This is not how God created the world to be. Death and suffering are direct results of human sin, not inherent aspects of God’s creation. To argue otherwise undermines God’s goodness and the hope of redemption. The consequences of the fall are evident: fractured relationships, environmental exploitation, and a culture that either devalues humanity or elevates it to a godlike status.

Modern Rebellion Against God’s Design

Today, the rejection of God’s image leads to a host of societal issues. When we deny the intrinsic value of life, practices like abortion and euthanasia become normalized. The redefinition of marriage and gender further undermines God’s design, leaving people searching for identity and purpose in fleeting things like possessions, fame, or personal achievements. But these pursuits are inadequate. When our worth is tied to impermanent things, failure leaves us devastated. We begin to see others as objects, either competitors or tools for our benefit. This rejection of God’s image results in a society that dehumanizes itself.

The Mending of the Image

Thankfully, the story doesn’t end with the marring of the image. Through Jesus Christ, God has provided a way to restore what was broken.

Christ: The Perfect Image of God

Colossians 1:15 declares, “The Son is the image of the invisible God.” Unlike humanity, Christ is not merely made in the image of God—He is the image of God. As the Creator, Jesus demonstrates dominion over creation, calming storms, multiplying food, and even commanding fish to fulfill His purposes. He is the ultimate human, fully reflecting God’s glory while living in perfect obedience.

Yet, Christ did more than provide an example. He lived the life we were meant to live and bore the punishment for our sins. On the cross, He was marred for our transgressions so that we could be mended. Through His death and resurrection, He made reconciliation with God possible, restoring us to our original purpose as image-bearers.

Becoming Like Christ

When we repent and trust in Christ, God begins a process of transformation. Romans 8:29 explains that we are “predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son.” This transformation is not about adding religion to our lives but about aligning with the purpose for which we were created: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

This restoration affects every aspect of our lives. It shapes how we relate to others, how we steward creation, and how we pursue work and creativity. No longer striving for self-glory, we live to reflect God’s love, peace, and justice.

The Fulfillment of Restoration

One day, God will complete this work of restoration. Revelation promises a new creation where His people will dwell with Him forever, fully restored to His image. Until that day, we live with the hope and assurance that we are precious to God, not because of anything we achieve, but because of what Christ has done.

If you have not yet repented and turned to Christ, now is the time. Only through Him can we be restored to our true purpose and identity. May we all live as God intended, for His glory and the good of His creation.

Amen.

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** How to become a child of God

** Summary of Talk By Matthew Pickhaver from Biblical Creation Trust / Picture by Mart Production at Pexels

** Recommended article: One Human Race – the Biblical, Scientific & Historical Truth about Human Diversity

Opening the Door to Healing: When Childhood Sexual Abuse Affects Marriage’s Intimacy

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“Don’tcha wanna be married? Or have kids?”

I nodded, tears streaming down my five-year-old face, thorns and brambles cutting into my backside.

“You gotta do this, then, or you can’t ever be married.” The voice—which came from a teenage boy, accompanied by the snicker from his kid brother—would haunt me for 18 years until I got married.

It still haunts me.

The statistics about sexual crime both alarm and numb. According to the Department of Justice, by age 18, one in four women and one in six men have been sexually abused.

I thought if I hid my pain I could magically improve sexually. But not addressing the truth was disastrous my sexual relationship with my husband.

What happens to the titanic number of sexually abused men and women when they marry and enter regular sexual experiences with their mates? One study published in Contemporary Family Therapy estimates that 56 percent of women who were sexually abused as children feel discomfort during sex and 36 percent seek some sort of sexual therapy.

Although I told my husband, Patrick, about the abuse while we were dating, after we were married, I pretended immunity from my past trauma. But keeping up the charade wasn’t so easy since sex reminded me of the abuse. I didn’t tell Patrick, though, because I felt guilty, as though I were a poor wife.

I hoped somehow I could work out everything through sheer willpower. So throughout our early married life, I tolerated sex, never letting Patrick know how much I was hurting. I’m not sure if I even knew the extent of my pain, at least enough to verbalize it.

When our eldest daughter turned five, however, I began to relive the molestation I’d experienced at her age. I felt the horror afresh. I saw those brothers steal my innocence on muddied nature trails, in secluded playgrounds, and in their bedroom.

I puzzled over the photos my divorced father took of nude women and his insistence that I bathe him while he sat naked in his claw-footed tub. I ached over my mother’s lack of protection. I felt abandoned.

Although I grieved, I still didn’t realize how much those experiences were poisoning my sexual relationship with Patrick. It wasn’t until we went through some marital difficulties and I spent two years in counseling that I finally realized the problem.

Now 12 years into our marriage, Patrick and I see clearly how the past affected our relationship—especially sexually.

Fear of being used. I felt used easily. If Patrick didn’t talk enough with me during the day but then initiated sex, I’d remember that frightened five-year-old who was simply a rag doll to be played with. If he touched me in a way that triggered the abuser’s touch, I’d grit my teeth and silently recoil.

I’d think, Men want only to use me. I’m just a plaything. My resentment grew toward Patrick, yet I remained quiet, and he grew frustrated that I wouldn’t tell him the problem.

A distorted view of sex. It was difficult for me to see sex as beautiful and what God intended. I felt if I enjoyed sex, I was somehow legitimizing my abusers, that they were right in molesting me. But if I didn’t enjoy it, I wasn’t a good Christian wife.

My view of sex was that it was solely for a man’s gratification. I longed (and still long) for the passionate Song of Solomon-kind of abandon.

Guilt over failure to perform sexually. I’ve often lamented to God, “Why did you give me a man who loves physical touch? Are you setting me up for failure?” I’ve felt overwhelming guilt over not having enough sex. The Christian marriage books I read and the sexual intimacy seminars I attended further thrust me into shame’s cesspool; it’s my duty after all—I’m depriving my husband. Couple that advice with a deep-seated ambivalence toward sex and I was a sexually defeated wife.

Part of my denying Patrick sex stemmed from wanting to avoid the deeper problem. When I “gave in,” I uncovered prickly emotions I couldn’t understand. It was easier if I avoided intimacy as much as I could so I wouldn’t rip open a festering wound I couldn’t handle.

Isolation and emotional disengagement. Of all the issues Patrick and I have confronted, this carries with it the deepest, most insidious pain.

Patrick once told me about a vision he had in which I was pacing on a high diving board while he and the children beckoned me from a swimming pool far below.

They shouted, “Dive in! The water’s great!”

I peered over the edge of the board.

I saw their laughter-infused antics, but I turned away and walked down the ladder. Instead, I settled for putting my toe in the water while the rest of my family splashed and laughed.

I longed to be the spontaneous one who dives into the lives of my family, but I’d disconnected somehow, which prevented me from letting my husband into the recesses of my heart.

Lack of affection and passion. I found myself unable to be affectionate with my immediate family. While I knew I was supposed to demonstrate my love in tangible, physical ways, that seldom came naturally. When my son cried, I had to tell myself to hug him. When my husband came home from work, I had to make myself kiss him.

Coping Strategies

I wish I could say I’m free and the wound of sexual abuse is completely healed. I still have tender spots. But as Patrick and I have explored these areas, we’ve learned some important coping strategies.

Be willing to be healed. I liken emotional healing to a tunnel that links a barren land with a pristine forest. We’ll never drink from the forest’s mountain spring if we don’t go through the tunnel. But most of us feel too afraid to step inside for fear of the dark; and the barren land—bleak as it is—has a staid familiarity about it. The truth? It’s dark in the tunnel. The hurt is intensified, especially when we can’t see the other side.

When I became a Christian at 15, I clung to the apostle Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 5:17: “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I decided I’d been healed of all emotional wounds when I became a Christian and viewed others who struggled as lacking faith. But my emotional world fell apart in college and I became a struggler. I cried a lot. God sent many friends who simply listened and prayed for me.

I thought those prayers in college and my grief were all I needed to be whole. After things began to fall apart in our marriage, I realized how much more healing I needed and sought help from a Christian counselor.

Talk about your sexual relationship. As difficult as it might be, Patrick and I had to speak frankly about our sexual relationship.

Through God’s strength, I was finally able to tell Patrick, “When you complain about our sexual frequency, I want to give up and never try,” or “When you say or do that, I feel used, that I’m only an object.”

In that same God-strength, Patrick was able to say, “When you don’t place sex and affection as a priority, I don’t feel loved,” or “When you don’t kiss me, I feel distant from you.”

We also had to resolve not to hide our anger or our pain. Patrick buried his anger over my lack of response and then quit communicating altogether. I erroneously thought if I hid my pain over my past I could magically improve sexually. But we realized not addressing the truth was disastrous for our sexual relationship.

Heal together. I used to think I was the only one working on issues from my past. When I struggled, I’d turn to my “normal” husband who had a seemingly idyllic upbringing and say, “You’re perfect and I’m yucky.”

Patrick seldom explored his own childhood issues. Consequently, I felt alone in my grief.

In his book The Wounded Heart, Dr. Dan Allender suggests that one way a marriage can offer healing is if the non-abused spouse will look at where he or she has been harmed from childhood. I felt a sense of comfort when I read: “We all have wounds; some are stab wounds, others pinpricks. The category isn’t the degree of bleeding but ‘have you ever bled?'”

The camaraderie returned in our marriage when I saw Patrick begin to explore his family of origin issues. When he saw me becoming free from my past issues, it spurred him to look at his upbringing. He began to look at his quick temper, how he saw that modeled as a child, what it did to him to be on the receiving end of it, and how it still affects him. The process for him has been slow. He’s quick to dismiss pain from his past, but he’s beginning to see how that dismissal has helped him wall himself off from others, including me.

Now instead of feeling like a solitary pilgrim, I have Patrick’s hand to grab as we share our past injuries and our future.

I still hear the haunting words of my abusers, and Patrick and I still struggle in our marriage. Last night we spent an hour discussing our sexual relationship and our mutual frustration over my reticence to kiss and his reluctance to share his hurts. Even so, I’m learning to take an emancipated leap off the high dive into our marriage.

Patrick’s Story

When Mary first told me about her past sexual abuse, I felt sad for her, particularly since it happened as a young child.

While I wasn’t worried about the abuse influencing our sexual lives at first, later into our marriage I realized it was affecting us. I became angry because we’d be paying for years for what those people had done to her. It wasn’t fair. I feel part of our marital intimacy is missing—that it’s been ripped from us.

When Mary would withdraw from me sexually, I often found myself caught between feeling that things would never get better, that Mary would never be healed from her past, and empathy for her, wanting to give her as much space as she needed.

I became confused about what I was supposed to do to help her through this traumatic experience. The most frustrating to me was that I couldn’t fix our situation. I couldn’t fix her past. I was helpless.

It hurt me because I knew there was a part of her she was holding back from me. Because of the abuse, there was nothing I could do that would make her feel comfortable enough to allow me into the vulnerable parts of her life.

She felt dead where intimacy was concerned—which affected my self-esteem. For me, kissing and showing affection are important signs to make me feel loved, cherished, and accepted. I’d feel rejected when I’d lean in for a kiss or a hug and she’d turn away. I’d tell myself over and over, Mary does love me, but can’t express affection the way I want to receive it.

I know I said and did things that cemented some of her fears. I put pressure on her to change. I placed “performance” expectations on her that were probably unfair. Still, though, I was angry. When I became angry, I just stopped talking. I put up an emotional wall toward her that served two purposes: it would “teach her a lesson,” and it would protect me from feeling rejected.

When these issues surfaced, I had to readjust my expectations until she was better able to handle our sexual relationship.

Along the way to her healing, I continually worried about whether what I was doing would bring back a painful memory for her. I didn’t want her to connect what I did or said to the pain she’d experienced. There are times I still worry about that.

But I’ve tried to provide an environment where Mary feels safe to share the memories, the pain, and her current struggles. Sometimes this means just listening. Sometimes it means crying with her, praying for her, or encouraging her. Sometimes it means asking for forgiveness when I cross a line that’s hurt her. Sometimes it means I challenge her to overcome her fears.

We both understand that if we want to grow together, we must be willing to challenge—and be challenged by—our actions and thinking. We both want to move past being victims to becoming survivors.

The most important thing is not to think, “Get over it already!” I know now that while her past continues to heal and our sexual relationship grows stronger, there may always be leftover scars. So during the times when I’m tempted to think, Let’s move past this, I recommit myself to being consistent in my love for her.

No matter the discussion, argument, or difficulty, I realize she needs to know she can trust me with her emotions and that if I’m hurt, frustrated, or angry, I won’t leave or run from her.

Mary and I deal with the issues as they arise, no matter how frustrating or difficult they may be.

My prayer is that one day we’ll be able to look at each other and know this abuse no longer taints our relationship. I’m hopeful because I’ve seen Mary grow so much in this area, and she continues to walk this difficult road with me.

— Patrick DeMuth

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Article by Mary DeMuth the author of Everything: What You Give and What You Gain to Become Like Jesus (Thomas Nelson) At Today’s Christian Woman / Copyright © by the author or Christianity Today / Marriage Partnership magazine. / Photo by Anna-Mari West at Shutterstock

*** Christian Counselling page