Do you know that you can be self-righteous without even knowing it? Thankfully, in this post, you will learn the little-known signs of self-righteousness so you can start overcoming them!
CHRISTIANS ARE CALLED TO LIVE A RIGHTEOUS LIFE. However, there is one particular type of “righteousness” that can easily prevent us from entering the Kingdom of God. In fact, this kind of righteousness had been heavily condemned by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is also the reason that Job was punished by God. This deceptive type of righteousness is so potent that it can easily spiritually blind a person and not even know that they have it.
I am talking about SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. This problem has been a common sin throughout the history of the Church. After all, it is so easy to be self-righteous. It is a human and natural inclination that we all need to overcome.
It is so difficult to detect self-righteousness in our lives. In fact, it takes other people and the word of God to point it out for us. That’s why in this blog post, I want to share with you ten of the deadliest signs of self-righteousness.
Sign no. 1: Self-righteous people repel others
Have you ever been around a person who made you feel uncomfortable, unrighteous, and guilty because you can see how he OBVIOUSLY show his righteousness? This person constantly rubs on your face his righteous acts and in the process, unconsciously PUT PEOPLE DOWN. As a result, you don’t like to make friends with this person because he has this aura of making you feel spiritually inferior.
That’s exactly what self-righteousness does. IT REPELS PEOPLE. On the other hand, genuine righteousness DRAWS people toward you. Jesus Christ is the perfect example of a righteous Being. He draws people toward Him and not fend them off.
Sign no. 2: Self-righteous people parade their good works
The Pharisees and scribes are the perfect EPITOMAI of self-righteousness. For that reason, Christ ardently reprimanded them. Read Matthew 23, and you will see how many times Christ said, “Woe to you, Scribes and Pharisees.” Christ stated that we must exceed the righteousness of these people if ever we want to enter the Kingdom of God (Matthew 5:20).
So what’s wrong with the Pharisees and Scribes? They love to PUBLICLY display their righteousness to people. They were “wearing their righteousness outwardly.” When they fast, they want to appear to people fasting (Matthew 6:16). When they repent, they don’t produce the fruit of repentance (Matthew 3:8). When they give alms, they sound a trumpet (Matthew 6:2). And the list just goes on and on.
You get the point. Self-righteousness is more of the outward manifestation rather than an inward conversion of the person.
Sign no 3: Self-righteous people are uncompassionate
Being self-righteous makes you a person without much compassion. Why? Because you see other people full of sins and faults and you don’t understand why they are that way. You have a hard time looking into yourself and REALIZING THAT YOU ALSO HAVE A LOT OF UNCHECKED PROBLEMS. Instead of being compassionate, self-righteous people are very critical of others.
Sign no. 4: Self-righteous people hate and condemn sinners
Whenever you are in the presence of a thief, adulterer, extortionist, or somebody who have committed a horrible sin, does it make you feel uncomfortable? A self-righteous person hates sinners instead of just hating their sins.
JESUS CHRIST LOVES SINNERS. He even ate with tax collectors and talked to them. He spent more time with the perceived sinful people in His day than the Pharisees who are thought to be “righteous.”
The danger with self-righteousness is it makes you believe that you are in the position of God. You CONDEMN people and pass permanent judgment. You determine who will be part of God’s kingdom and who will not.
True righteousness loves the sinner but hates the sin.
Sign no. 5: Self-righteous people love the approval and praises of men
Among the motivations of a self-righteous person is to gain approval from people. He wants to look righteous, so people hold him in high regards. This is exactly what the Pharisees did. They did their alms in front of many people, disfigured their faces when fasting, loved to sit at the best seats in the synagogues, and enjoyed being called with pompous titles, just to name a few.
Sadly, they have their rewards. They have not waited for a far GREATER reward that only God can give them.
Here’s food for thought:
When we do something good, we do it not to show how righteous we are, but instead, WE DO IT TO SHOW HOW AWESOME THE LIVING GOD IS. We do our good deeds so that people “may see [our] good works and glorify [our] Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16).
Sign no. 6: Self-righteous people list their good works
Have you ever noticed how hard it is for us to forget the good things we have done to other people? Every time we do something good, we have this little notepad in our brain where we list all our good deeds. Afterward, we add them all up and show ourselves and others how righteous we are!
When we do this, we forget that our righteousness is just like FILTHY RUGS (Isaiah 64:6). Our righteousness pales down to nothing when compared to the righteousness of God.
In reality, it is not our job to list our good deeds. It is God’s. “For God is not unrighteous to forget [our] work and labor of love, which [we] have shewed toward his name, in that [we] have ministered to the saints, and do minister” (Hebrews 6:10).
Sign no. 7: Self-righteous people reject correction
If we remain self-righteous, time will come that it will make us callous. We hold on to our self-righteousness and it will harden us. And by the time when we need to be corrected, PRIDE sets in, and we become unteachable.
This hardness of heart may spring from the belief that you know almost everything, that you already know what the scripture says, and nothing new can impress you anymore. You think that there’s nothing to learn anymore and you won’t let anybody tell you what to do. We have become too vain in our thinking that we won’t allow anyone to point out where we might have got it wrong.
True righteous people possess a child-like attitude. That is entirely different to what self-righteous people feel about themselves. Jesus Christ was teachable in spite of His wisdom and divine nature. He did everything and anything His Father told Him to do.
Sign no. 8: Self-righteous people talk back to God
For God to work with self-righteous people, they need to be humbled first. However, self-righteousness may persist.
Like Job, we may talk back to God and rationalize our thoughts and actions. We may show God how rich, how we have increased in goods, and how we have need of nothing (Revelation 3:17). We may tell God how good we are by following His commandments and that He owes us a pat on the back and praises! However, just like the Laodicean church, we didn’t know that we are actually “wretched, miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked” (same verse).
Sign no. 9: Self-righteous people think of themselves as important
Sometimes, in our zeal and passion in doing God’s work, we fall into the trap of thinking that it’s all about US.
We look at the results of our work and say, “Wow! Look how many people came into the church through me!” “Did you just see that? I just inspired the whole congregation with MY SERMON!” “Look at how much I am doing for the work of the church. I’m sure the church won’t grow without me.” “I pay a lot of tithes. The pastor will surely miss ME if I leave this church.”
This type of thinking is focused on the SELF. Self-righteousness literally means “SELF-RIGHT.” In reality, we must all be “CHRIST-RIGHT.”
Sometimes we think so highly of ourselves that we felt that God needs us so badly. Actually, the reverse is true: It is US who desperately need God!
Righteous people DON’T think about the things they lost for following God. But rather, they concentrate on the things God gave them!
Sign no. 10: Self-righteous people wallow in self-pity
Every time a self-righteous is chastened by God, he sulks in self-pity. Instead of seeing trials and challenges in life as a way to develop godly righteousness, they would instead pity and prevent themselves from developing the ENTHUSIASM to fight back.
James said that we must “count it all joy when [we] fall into various trials.” For a self-righteous person, he would just endure the trial and not actually rejoice in it. WE NEED TO SEE CORRECTION AS A WAY TO BRING US BACK TO OUR LOVING FATHER.
When God gives us a trial, it is NOT because He wants to prevent us from getting into the Kingdom, but to help us develop the righteousness that enables us to be part of His Family.
When we are corrected for our self-righteous arrogance, we must have a positive attitude, learn the lesson, and overcome. That’s the only way we can destroy the shackles of self-righteousness that restrict our spiritual growth.
Final Words
Here are the 10 deadly signs of self-righteousness. There’s no doubt; it’s HARD TO SEE THE SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS IN US. In fact, every time we do something good, the natural response is to have a certain amount of self-righteousness budding in our hearts.
However, if we truly see what we truly are without God, then we will realize that our righteousness must be from God. After all, it is CHRIST WHO LIVES IN US, and it is Him who helps us produce the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Instead of building our own righteousness, WE NEED TO BUILD THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD.
This is a profound and significant subject we all need to think about. Self-righteousness is indeed a fatal sin that we all need to overcome, and by being alert to these 10 signs of self-righteousness, I hope we can be more successful in becoming less like us and be more like God!
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***By Joshua Infantado at Becoming Christian / Illustration by Bill Donaghy
In 2 Kings 2:13-14, we read about Elisha dividing Jordan which is symbolic of a ministry of life that conquers and overcomes spiritual death. The waters of Jordan, in the Bible, are symbolic of death. And the parting of the waters is therefore symbolic of triumph over death. In the ministry of Elisha, we find him engaged again and again in bringing life out of death. In Jericho, he brought life into the barren land there (2 Kings 2:19-22). In Shunem, he brought life into the barren womb of a woman (2 Kings 4:8-17). Later, he brought life into a dead child (2 Kings 4: 18-37). He once brought life into a pot of deadly food (2 Kings 4: 38-41). He ministered life to a leprous general’s dying body too ( 2 Kings 5 : 1-14) Elisha’s power never faded away. Even after he was dead and buried and his body had disintegrated,when a dead man was thrown into his grave, the dead man arose!(2 Kings 13:20-21) This was Elisha’s ministry-bringing life out of death wherever he went. This was a direct result of his being anointed. This is the type of power that the anointing of the Holy Spirit brings-power to bring life out of death, resurrection power. This alone is the unmistakable evidence of the anointing. We read of this power often in the New Testament. Paul writing to the Ephesian Christians, says that his prayer for them is that they may know this power. He goes on to tell them that the greatest manifestation of God’s power was not in creation nor in the miracles recorded in the Bible, but in the raising of Christ from the dead (Eph. 1:19-23). Writing to the Philippian Christians, Paul tells them that his own desire is that he may know more of this resurrection power (Phil. 3:10).This, I am convinced, is the power that Jesus said His disciples would receive when the Holy Spirit came upon them (Acts 1:8) – resurrection power, the power to bring life out of spiritual death. And God desires to communicate this to us too.
This, brothers and sisters, is the mark of the anointing. Not some experience, not some utterance, but the power to bring spiritual life out of death wherever we go. Is our ministry accomplishing this? This is the acid test whether we have the anointing or not. Alas, so often Christians, instead of ministering life are ministering death. The heathen are so often driven away from the Lord instead of being drawn to Him, because of the bickering and quarrels, the lack of integrity and other un-Christlike habits that they see in the lives of those who profess to be born-again Christians. How we need to humble ourselves before God and ask for His forgiveness for bringing reproach upon His Name by our behaviour.
Let us not glory merely in the fact that we are “evangelicals.” If we are not careful, we can end up like the church in Sardis, having a name that we are alive but in reality being dead (Rev. 3:1). It is not enough that the creed we repeat and the statement of faith we sign are Scripturally sound. We may be able to sign the most fundamental statement of faith. So can the Devil! He knows the Bible well and so he is no modernist. He is a thorough fundamentalist as far as doctrines go! It is not much use therefore taking credit merely for our fundamentalism. Doctrines are important. God forbid that I should decry their value. But over and above doctrine, the thing that counts with God is whether we are ministering spiritual life or not.
The Apostle Paul could say that through God’s help, he was an able minister of the New Testament, ministering spiritual life (2 Cor. 3:5,6). He didn’t just boast that he was a fundamentalist. Neither did he merely talk of his experiences-either the Damascus Road one or the Straight Street one. No. He demonstrated the reality of his fundamental beliefs and of his spiritual experiences by constantly bringing life into situations of spiritual death.
In Paul’s life, as in Elisha’s, there was no fading away of the power. There was no losing of the anointing in later years, as seems to be the case with so many servants of God in our day. Paul and Elisha never came to a stage where all they could do was to glory in what God did in days of yore. They constantly lived in the present enjoyment of the anointing and of God’s power. Their spiritual strength instead of waning, waxed more and more. As their days, so was their strength. Their light shone brighter and brighter until the perfect day. What a blessed way to live! And yet this is the path that God desires all His children to walk in (Prov. 4:18).
Elisha lived in constant touch with God and this was why he was always able to bring life out of death wherever he went. And so people came to him with their problems and their needs. He didn’t have to go looking for a ministry. He didn’t have to go around asking people to sponsor him and to invite him. No. Opportunities for ministry came to him in abundance, without any fleshly efforts on his part.
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** Copyright – Zac Poonen. No changes whatsoever are to be made to the content of the article without written permission from the author at cfcindia.com / Photo by Rachel Claire from Pexels by
Communication is one of the most basic skills needed to establish and maintain any human relationship. In marriage it is especially important that a couple master this ability. Whenever you find a successful marriage, you will always find two people who have become skilled at communication. Likewise, wherever you find a failed marriage, a communication breakdown is always one of the root problems. Therefore, it is essential that you learn how to become a better communicator. Let’s look at some basic issues that hinder good communication.
1. Check your attitudes. Your attitude is critical to being an effective communicator and is the basis for what you say and do. Without the correct attitude, your words will always come out wrong. You may be totally right in all that you say, but it’s the way you say it that many times turns your mate off. Let’s look at some of the attitudes I am referring to.
Do you have an arrogant or superior attitude when you talk with your mate, communicating that you are always right and that he or she knows nothing? Do you become indignant and refuse to listen when your spouse questions your actions or motives? Have you ever thought, “Who does he think he is to ask me that?”
The Scriptures teach that this attitude of heart is very destructive to your relationships. Solomon said, “He that is of a proud heart stirs up strife…” (Prov. 28:25). Is this attitude the cause of strife in your marital communication? If so, consider Paul’s counsel, “To speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men” (Titus 3:2). Humility is the attitude of heart that keeps you from speaking evil of anyone or to anyone, and enables a gentle spirit to communicate effectively. Your home needs this attitude.
Another sinful attitude that destroys communication is deep-seated resentment or bitterness, which is like poison to your life and marriage. The Apostle Peter noticed this attitude when he spoke to Simon the sorcerer. Simon had become envious and bitter at the success of the disciples’ ministry. When Simon asked for similar abilities, Peter said to him, “…You are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity” (Acts 8:23). If you have a bitter and resentful attitude, your spouse will pick this up as soon as you begin to speak. Your tone of voice reveals the poison of unforgiveness inside. Jesus said, “If you have anything against anyone, forgive him…” (Mark 11:25). A heart of forgiveness will be your only remedy for this poison.
Indifference or apathy greatly hinder progress as well. Jesus described this attitude in the parable of the marriage feast; He invited many, yet “they made light of it and went their ways…” (Matt. 22:5). This is the same attitude that many experience when their mates try to talk or spend time together. Indifference becomes apparent when you say “not now” or you simply change the subject. When you make light of your mate’s request to talk or spend time together, you are communicating to your spouse that he or she is not really that important to you. Every time you indifferently turn your husband or wife away, it will cause discouragement and a greater distance between you.
Of course, not every time is an opportune time to talk. If you have to postpone a conversation or time together, make sure you communicate your sincere interest and willingness to spend the time it takes to build the relationship. Then, be sure you are the one to initiate the next conversation over that same subject.
Can you recognize any of these attitudes in your heart? If you do, be assured that they will hinder effective communication. The Bible describes each of these attitudes as sinful and requires you to put them off.
2.Check your words. Once you have examined your attitudes or the way you talk, now considerwhat you say. What kind of words do you use?
Do you use harsh words? Do you possess the skill to cut and slash your spouse verbally in the midst of an argument? If so, you may win the argument and be daily destroying your relationship. Solomon said, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1). David also said the tongue can be like “a sharp razor” that can cut and wound a person very deeply (Ps. 52:2). Is this what your tongue is like?
Harsh, condemning words are incredibly destructive. Think how you feel when a person condemns or belittles you. Doesn’t it drive you away from that individual and make you want to retreat? If you speak this way to your spouse you will see the same results. Paul specifically commanded husbands, “… love your wives and do not be harsh with them”(Col. 3:19). Likewise, this command could be equally given to wives. Clearly then, the husband-wife relationship cannot thrive with the use of harsh words.
Another class of words that must be avoided involves lying or deceitfulness, which slowly undermine your entire relationship. If you are deceitful and tell only half the story or a doctored version that makes you look good, sooner or later your spouse will catch on. Trust is fundamental to your entire relationship, but lies and half-truths will eventually undermine your credibility. Any amount of lying to your spouse is like taking an ax to the bottom of your own boat, it will ultimately sink the ship.
If you struggle with lying or deceitfulness, pray what David did, “Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips and from a deceitful tongue” (Ps. 120:2). Do what Paul commanded; “Therefore, putting away lying, each one speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another” (Eph. 4:25). As a married couple, you are members one of another in every sense of the word; you are one flesh. Don’t lie to one another.
Similarly, exaggeration works to destroy effective communication. Are you an exaggerator? Do you hear yourself say these words, “you always do this”, or “you never do what I ask?” The words always, never, or every time are like gasoline on the fire of an argument. These words will cause an explosion of anger because your spouse can always think of one time he or she did do what you say never occurs. The only solution to exaggeration is “…speaking the truth in love…”(Eph. 4:15). The truth may be that your spouse many times does this or that, as opposed to always or never.
As we strive to speak the truth, let us remember to speak the truth in love, for certain words of truth can also greatly hinder your communication. I am referring to the true statements about your spouse’s past failures which you bring up to use as ammunition during a conflict. These words cut deep, specifically because they are true, but they are words that should never be used to win an argument. If you have forgiven your spouse for a past failure, then it should be off-limits. Why? Because God talks about your sins this way: “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more” (Heb. 8:12). The word remember means “to hold in a mental grasp or to recollect so that it may be used at a later time to punish.” God declares here that once He forgives, He chooses not to remember your sins and will never use them to condemn you; we must forgive in the same manner. Therefore, speak the truth about the present issue only.
Finally, foul language also tears down good communication. I have discovered that many couples swear and call one another names in the midst of an argument. If this occurs in your home, understand that these words will not be easily forgotten because they demean your spouse and signify your lack of love and respect. Once you have said these words, you can’t take them back. This is why Paul said, “…you must also put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth” (Col. 3:8). He also said, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Eph. 4:29). Don’t tear your loved one down, but build him or her up when you speak. Ask God to put that check in your mind before you open your mouth. Pray as David did, “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my mouth” (Ps. 141:3). God will answer this prayer.
3. Check your actions. The specific actions you take while you interact will either enhance or hinder your ability to effectively communicate. Let’s look at some of these actions.
Are you a good listener, or are you quick to interrupt when your spouse is talking? This disrespectful action will greatly frustrate your mate and tends to stir up anger. James said you must be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). When you interrupt, it means you are thinking of how you want to respond instead of really listening, and this hinders meaningful and enjoyable conversation with your mate.
A related action to interrupting is sentence-finishing. This occurs when your spouse takes a pause to think about what he or she is about to say, and you help your mate out by finishing the sentence. Such behavior, is again, extremely frustrating and reveals that you are not listening or trying to understand. It indicates that you have already pre-judged his or her thoughts and declares that you think you know what your spouse is about to say. Solomon said, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Prov. 18:13). Rather, allow your spouse to fully complete the sentence, then respond. This will demonstrate you care and are truly listening in order to understand.
Explosive anger is another pitfall and is often only used to control a conversation. Sometimes people use anger to simply manipulate the other party into doing what is desired. This person knows that his or her spouse will cower and retreat in the argument once the rage appears. Yet, this ploy is very foolish because you may seemingly win the argument, but in the end you risk losing relationship and intimacy with your spouse in the process.
However, there are times when anger is not a ploy used to control another. Sometimes an individual just has no control of the emotions that rage inside, due to a lack of desire or understanding as to how to control them. Such a person is simply out of control. Irrational anger is what drove the religious people of Jesus’ day to attempt to throw Him over the cliff at Nazareth. These religious people were simply out of control. Luke says the people were “filled with wrath, and rose up and thrust Him out of the city…that they might throw Him down over the cliff”(Luke 4:28, 29). If you have explosive anger that is not dealt with, deep and intimate communication will be impossible. No one ever wants to communicate the deepest things of their heart with someone who is raging out of control in an angry fit. Remember, “…the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). Your wrath and anger can never produce something good or righteous in your marriage relationship. What you need to do is get some specific counseling from your pastor regarding how to control your anger. The sooner you take this action, the sooner you will learn how to communicate effectively.
Third, beware of blame shifting. This is usually done when your spouse points out one of your faults and you quickly cover yourself by shifting the blame to your mate or to another. This is what Adam and Eve did when they were first confronted by God for their sin. Adam said that it was, “…the woman You gave to be with me, she gave me to of the tree, and I ate”. Eve also shifted the blame to Satan, “…the serpent deceived me, and I ate” (Gen. 3:12, 13). Neither Adam nor Eve would take responsibility for his or her own actions. Adam in one breath blamed God for giving him this woman and blamed his wife for giving him the fruit. Eve in essence replied, “The devil made me do it.” What solves this problem? Simply take responsibility for your own actions. Blame shifting is the result of pride and dishonesty. You know what you have done and your spouse does too, so why not admit it? Without you personally taking responsibility for what you’ve done, all you will do is play the blame game which only delays progress to a solution. This is a game that no one will win.
The last action that hinders good communication is the unwillingness to confess your faults during or after an argument. This is a problem that results from that same attitude of pride, and to resolve it the Apostle James suggests, “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord…Do not speak evil one of another…Confess your faults one to another…” (James 4:10.11; 5:16). God requires you to humbly and honestly look at your own actions and not shift the blame. When either husband or wife takes this action of first confessing personal faults, it usually softens the other to do the same, and communication is restored.
But, you may ask, “How do I change all these sinful attitudes, words, and actions?” Take heart, there is a way!
What helps build your ability to communicate?
Let’s look at some of the most important ways to build your ability to communicate.
1. Establish intimacy with God and find His help for change. Here is where you get the power to change in the areas where you have been failing. When God is at work filling you with His love and teaching you His Word, you can’t help but have something to talk about. Establishing this intimacy with God will inspire the most important communication between you, the sharing of spiritual things. When the disciples were filled with the Holy Spirit, they went everywhere sharing Christ. When they were commanded not to speak anymore in His name their response was, “We cannot but speak the things we have seen and heard” (Acts 4:20). God was at work in their lives and they had to share it with someone. David experienced the same drive to communicate what God was doing in his life. He said, “Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul” (Ps. 66:16). What is the Lord doing in your life? Are you sharing that with your mate? The kind of relationship you have with the Lord, will naturally translate into your relationship with others and especially with your spouse. Your relationship and communion with Christ is where real communication with your mate begins.
If you are not walking with Christ at this time and have never made a personal commitment to Him, this is the primary reason why you are struggling in marriage and in your ability to communicate. He can dramatically change your entire life, but you will never experience it without a personal relationship with Him. You can start this relationship by simply acknowledging your sin to Him in prayer, asking Him to forgive you and come into your life. If you really want to change, He can help you do it. Take a moment right now to communicate with Him in prayer, and ask Him to come into your life. You won’t be disappointed!
If you are a Christian, you can also be greatly hindered in your ability to effectively communicate by simply having sporadic devotions or no devotions at all. This is because when you are spiritually dry, you will have no power or joy to communicate with others. Let me illustrate. Think of the times when you have struggled spiritually and you have seen another Christian in a store, what did you do? Did you run up to this individual with an overwhelming desire to fellowship, or did you turn and walk another way so you wouldn’t have to talk to him? The answer is obvious, you don’t want to talk to another person when you are discouraged or depressed; it’s the last thing you want to do. When you aren’t growing spiritually the same thing will happen at home. You won’t have any desire to communicate with your spouse either. You will naturally retreat from communication with your partner.
Therefore, return to the Lord and ask Him for His help. Renew your relationship with Him, then the desire, power, and love you need to communicate with your spouse will begin to flow again.
2. Acknowledge your faults. This will take some brutal honesty in your own heart. Stop now and look back over your attitudes, words, and actions. Where have you been failing in your communication with your mate? You must first acknowledge your faults if you desire to see anything change.
Next, go and acknowledge these faults to your spouse, asking his or her forgiveness. Tell your mate that you truly want to change in these areas. Your spouse will probably be amazed that you would honestly confess to these things without being forced to do so. When you take this action, your ability to communicate will take a dramatic step forward. Acknowledging and reconciling your faults with your spouse is half the battle.
3. Spend time together. Once you have dealt with your failures in your attitudes, words, and actions, and have sought God for His power and help, you need to take the opportunity to communicate. Do you set specific time aside to communicate? You did this before you were married. You talked on the phone every chance you could. You went out on dates and would talk about everything and anything for hours. Do you remember how romantic and how much fun it was to talk? This is what must happen again. How?
You need to start dating the one you love on a regular basis. Why not call your spouse and set something up today? Then tomorrow, make a special effort to call your spouse again just to say, “I love you.” Talk to your husband or wife about your upcoming date and your anticipation of being together. You may also try turning the T.V. off and sitting after dinner just to talk over your day. Take a bike ride or a walk together. You need to regularly set time aside to just be together because failure to do so is one of the fundamental reasons why many couples slowly drift apart. Other things soon take priority over being together, then slowly and imperceptibly the distance begins to grow. You can stop this drifting, but it takes constant vigilance to keep time together as a high priority.
Solomon and his wife had the right idea. The Shulamite requested of her husband, “Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away…Let me see your countenance, let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, and your countenance is lovely” (Song of Solomon 2:10,14).
Do you want the kind of romantic relationship Solomon and his wife had? Then, take the same action that they did, and you will afford yourself the best opportunity for real communication and romance. Is the voice of your spouse still sweet? It can be, if you will again make the same effort you did before you were married. Your spouse is worth the time and the effort!
4. Encouragement and praise. If you desire to build good communication with your spouse, try this strategy. Each time you are together look for something that he or she has done well, and praise him or her for it. If you encourage the actions which are godly, loving, and responsible, you will build your mate up and build your overall communication.
This is what the Scripture teaches us to do. Paul says we must, “…Exhort one another daily…”(Heb. 3:13). Speak the words that, “…build others up…” (Eph. 4:29 NIV). Solomon declared that, “…A woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:30). This encouragement could again be equally given to women to praise their husbands. But, the question is, do you do this? One day Jesus Christ will say to you, “…Well done, good and faithful servant…” (Matt. 25:21). If Jesus considered these words important to say, shouldn’t you do the same? Praise and encouragement is an acknowledgment of your love and appreciation, which naturally builds a person up.
How often do you say an encouraging word, or a “well done?” Your mate must do something right, responsible, or loving each day. Look for these things and then tell your spouse that you appreciate them. If harsh and critical words destroy your communication, think of what praise and appreciation will do. Take the time to talk and to spend time together. Be gracious with your words, and encourage instead of being harsh and critical; it will build your communication more than you could ever imagine.
Remember, “The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious…” (Ecc. 10:12) Therefore be wise. Go and give a word of praise and encouragement to your loved one today!
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**By Covenant Keepers / Photo by Polina Zimmerman at Pexels
Proverbs 12:4 – “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.”
Defining a woman’s role for the marriage relationship can be a very confusing thing. Why is this true? The first and most obvious reason is that many women are simply listening to the multitude of opinions in the media without going to the Scripture to see exactly what God has declared. Popular opinion is not where a wife should look to find direction for her life and marriage. The second reason the role of a wife is so confusing is that some women simply do not want to hear or do what God has commanded. These women think that their way is better than God’s plan. However, if you will seek God’s view on this subject and ask Him to help you become the woman that He has called you to be, the joy He has promised will be yours. Therefore, consider what God has to say about your role as a wife.
How does God want you to fulfill your responsibility?
1. Recognize your calling. If you are to become the support to your husband that God has designed then you must first understand His divine calling upon your life. Do you realize that you were created specifically to be your husband’s helper? Moses declared: “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him’ ” (Gen. 2:18). The word helper means one who aids another. Thus the woman was created because the man needed help from someone that could aid him in his responsibilities.
Now if you are thinking, This sounds so demeaning to me, that I’m just someone’s helper, then think about this for a moment. The idea of a wife being her husband’s helper does not demean her in any way. This same word helper is used in reference to the Lord Himself. David said concerning God: “The helpless commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless” (Ps. 10:14). Jesus also called the Holy Spirit our Helper who would be sent to aid us in our service to the Father (John 14:16). Therefore, since the Lord desired to aid us in every way possible, He created woman to be a helper and aid to man.
In addition, note that the helper God created was to be comparable to Adam. The word comparable means one who is a counterpart or the matching mate of the other. The idea is much like a pair of gloves or shoes which has a mate that is different but comparable to and a counterpart of the other. Just as a right hand glove can not be worn on the left hand or visa-versa, so men and women are different but still a compliment for and equal to each other. The right hand glove was not created for the left hand. Likewise, a woman is not the same as a man but is the counterpart to him which enables the two to function together. Both Adam and Eve were created with a specific divine purpose in mind.
Knowing God has a stated plan for you as a wife, are you willing to agree and yield to His desire? Are you willing to be your husband’s helper and counterpart? The reason I ask this is because some wives I have spoken to do not want to be the helper; they want to be the head. If you are trying to be the head then you will not be a helper to your husband. Why? Your striving to be the head will only create conflict and tension between you and your husband. This is the first decision that you must make. Do you truly want to be a wife that will support and help her husband?
2. Becoming an excellent wife. The next step in becoming a helper to your husband will be that you become a woman of virtue and of excellent moral character. Solomon taught: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4). What does it mean to be an excellent wife? The word excellent is the same Hebrew word translated virtuous found in Solomon’s instruction to wives in Proverbs 31:10-31. The meaning of this word excellent essentially refers to the moral character and strength of an individual and is used of both men and women (Ex. 18:21; Ruth 3:11).
If you desire to be the greatest aid and help to your husband then you need godly character and moral strength that can only come from your personal relationship with the Lord. The prophet Habakkuk taught that God was the one who gave him this moral strength in the midst of his trials: “The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills” (Habakkuk 3:19). The word strength in this passage is the same Hebrew word translated virtuous.
Do you have such a close fellowship with the Lord so that you can go to Him and receive His strength and virtue in the midst of your struggles? Only by yielding to your calling as a helper and experiencing God’s power in your life will you truly be able to find joy in being the counterpart to your husband. I encourage you today with the words of Solomon: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:30). As you reverence the Lord in your life you will experience the strength to be the helpmate God has called you to be.
3. Submission is vital. The word submission for many women is completely abhorrent to them when used in reference to a wife’s role in marriage. Many women have told me they believe this teaching of submission is a tool used by many men to manipulate and control their wives. I tell these women that in some cases I would have to agree with them. However, if submission is understood biblically it can never be used in this manner. Why do I say this? Consider this fact. We all must submit in a multitude of ways throughout our lives where we don’t think submission is evil or manipulative. We all must submit to traffic laws or we get a ticket. We must submit to the laws of our nation or we go to jail. We must submit to our employers or we risk getting fired from our jobs. We all must be submissive and respectful with our friends so as not to offend them or we will not have them as friends for long. Finally, we are all called to submit to the Lord in all things. In other words, everyone submits to someone in some way. We do so to be obedient, to keep harmony, to show love, and to keep order in life.
The Bible also declares concerning marriage: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:22-24). Why is submission of a wife to her husband so important to the marriage relationship? Understanding this truth is just as important as learning submission in the other areas we have already considered.
Submission creates a chain of command, harmony, and order to any organization, including the family. God has even ordained submission between the three persons of the Godhead. Paul made this clear when he taught: “I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3). There is one head in our government. There is one head in most businesses. Therefore, it stands to reason that there should be one head in the family. Becoming submissive to your own husband eliminates the power struggle between the two of you and brings great harmony to the relationship.
I know that some of you are thinking, But, my husband is a terrible leader and I don’t want to submit to him. If you think this, then it does make it difficult to submit, but you are still called to do it.
4. Take a servant’s position. Becoming a helper to anyone requires that you serve them in some capacity. Even Jesus became a servant to all mankind in order to free us from our servitude to sin. He laid down His life so we could be free. Jesus said, “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matt. 20:28). Likewise Jesus told His disciples: “A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master” (Matt. 10:24). “Whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant” (Matt. 20:26). In the same manner, a wife must become a servant to her husband if she ever desires to help him to fulfill his responsibilities as the head of the household. Yes, the husband is also called to be a servant in his home, but he must take the servant leader position. If both husband and wife will commit themselves to serving in their specific arenas this will create the best marriage possible. Two people will be serving each other and as a team serving the Lord and their family. This is what Scripture clearly intends for a couple.
Therefore, how and where can you be a better helper to your husband? What has he asked you to do for him? Where does he need help? Do you put these things at the top of your priority list or at the bottom? Answering these questions will determine how well you are a support and help to your spouse.
5. Become his companion. To truly help anyone you must become their friend and companion. Without true friendship and companionship a person will not trust you to help them especially with their deepest needs. Do you see your marriage as a covenant that you have made to be his companion? The Prophet Malachi warned men to treat their spouse in a righteous and loving manner, “Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Mal. 2:14). Do you realize that God is witness to the way husbands and wives treat one another? God has called you to come together as a team to love and build up each other and to encourage and train your children. You cannot fulfill either of these duties if you are your husband’s adversary. Only as you become his loving companion and friend can your relationship function as God intended.
How can you become his companion? The word companion means one with whom you are knit together. Therefore, you must find ways that you can be knit together with your husband spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, verbally, recreationally, parentally, and sexually. As this knitting together occurs your marriage becomes stronger and stronger.
6. Be a responsible homemaker. One of the greatest conflicts that is constantly brought up in marriage counseling is the resentment that men have toward their wives over their failure to take care of the home. This is one of the primary responsibilities of a wife according to Scripture. Paul encouraged the older women to: “Admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed” (Titus 2:4-5). The word homemakers in this passage means to work at caring and managing the home. Just as a husband is to work to provide for his family so a wife is to work at caring for her home. This can be especially challenging when a wife works outside the home. She must still take care of her responsibilities within the home realizing that her family is her first priority and her job second. In such circumstances it will be necessary for a husband to help his wife with household chores to lessen her burden. This balancing act of dividing responsibilities and helping one another as servants will be vital to a happy home.
I believe that a reading of Proverbs 31:10-31 will give you a clearer understanding of how this balancing act is accomplished. This section of Scripture is so valuable because it addresses the many aspects of a wife’s responsibility. It is important to note that this virtuous wife had interests and activities outside the home, but kept them in the proper order. She was very industrious in her ability to work with her hands, but she first provided food for her household (Prov. 31:15). Solomon declared that she then, “considers a field and buys it,” “plants a vineyard,” “extends her hand to the poor,” “she makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies sashes for the merchants” (Prov. 31:16; 20; 24). These references reveal that both keeping your home and working outside the home can be done if your priorities are correct.
It is also important to understand why Solomon trusted his virtuous wife as stated in Proverbs 31:11. He concluded his description of his wife by praising her spiritual relationship and her reverence for God. Clearly Solomon believed that his wife’s spiritual virtue affected her lifestyle and every aspect of her home. She was not only a woman who feared God but was able to correctly balance her responsibilities of the home with all her activities outside the home. Does your husband trust you in this way? Are your priorities in order? Your home can only become orderly, peaceful, and pleasing to both you and your husband when your priorities are according to God’s will.
7. Respect your husband. When Paul the apostle summarized his commands to husbands and wives he declared: “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph. 5:33). Respect for your husband is vital if you truly desire to be your husband’s helper.
How do you show this respect? Respecting your husband is first something that must be rendered simply because of his position in the family. He is your head and therefore should be acknowledged as such. You should show respect for your husband’s position just as you show respect for the position of anyone in authority. For instance, you have no personal knowledge of a policeman that stops you on the highway, but you show respect to this individual. Why? You show respect for the position of authority the policeman holds. Likewise you should do the same for your husband because he is the head of your family. Your respect will also cause you to defer to him in decision making, cause you to speak respectfully to him in public, and enable you to be encouraging to him in private as you verbally support his leadership. To fail in these areas is to be disrespectful.
Now you may be thinking, But, I have a non-Christian or a spiritually carnal man as my husband. I can’t respect and defer to him. Notice what Peter teaches in such cases: “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear” (1 Peter 3:1-2). The word fear in this context means to show respect and reverence to your husband. This reverence is shown by your speech and conduct as you submit to his leadership. Are you attempting to win your husband by your respectful conduct? If you want to be a helpmate that will encourage your husband’s spiritual development then show respect for him. Berating, scolding, and shouting at him will do nothing to encourage his leadership in the home. Rather, listen to his ideas first and then explain yours. If you truly want to give good counsel to your husband use reason and encouragement as you share your ideas. Speak gently and respectfully without demanding or commanding him. Remember, it is not unsubmissive to disagree or voice your opinion, just do it in a respectful way.
8. Meet his sexual needs. Many times in marriage counseling I have found that wives attempt to control and manipulate their husbands by withholding sexual relations. I have seen some wives use sex in such a way as to control their husbands in order that they can become the head of their homes. This reasoning and behavior is unchristian and unbiblical. Why? If you use sex in this manner you have taken what God intended to be an expression of love and affection and made it a weapon of control. Behavior like this will only cause your husband to lose respect for you and will drive him away.
Notice what Paul taught concerning your responsibility in the bedroom: “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:3-5). God’s Word is clear. Sex is to be a means of expressing the affection that is in your heart and the love that is due your husband. Do you realize that you do not have the right to refuse your husband access to your body? You gave him the right to your body the day you got married. Husbands and wives can only refuse one another when the other spouse consents or agrees to the refusal. This is the meaning of the word consent in this passage, which means agreement. Therefore, you must find an agreement over this very intimate issue. In addition, Paul warns that if you deny your husband sexually you are actually exposing him to greater temptation by Satan.
Now some of you are thinking I can’t meet his sexual needs because his drive is so much higher than mine. How can you address this issue? Love will always find an agreement on frequency of sexual relations. Note that Paul taught in the above passage that husbands and wives could not dictate to each other but must find a loving compromise. If you truly love each other you will always find a way to give – which is always the solution. Love will help one partner to restrain their desires, and love motivates the other to initiate when there is no desire. Therefore, meet one another’s needs.
You may also struggle in your mind with meeting his needs because you do not think that he meets your needs emotionally or sexually. How can you resolve this issue? If you refuse to meet his sexual needs what will happen? Your relationship will only worsen because of the tension and his sense of rejection. Instead, you should meet his sexual needs and then lovingly discuss how he can meet your needs as well. The biblical principle here is simply the Golden Rule: “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matt. 7:12). When Jesus said whatever that means no matter what the issue might be. You must do for your husband the very thing you want him to do for you. Therefore, how do you want your spouse to treat you emotionally or sexually? Are you treating him this way? If not, do not expect much to change in your relationship. In fact, why not use the Golden Rule in all the areas I have discussed with you in this publication? If you do then you will become the best support and helpmate you could possibly be to him.
It’s hard to put on humility if you don’t think you have pride. The characteristics of pride can be understood as follows:
1. Being blind, unable to see pride. Pride envelops itself in smoke unless you’re in the mirror of God’s word and God, by His grace, allows you to see your sin and its magnitude. Many people see the logs in other people’s eyes and maybe the speck in their own. They may even say “I’m proud” and then move right on as if it were insignificant.
2. Being unthankful. Proud people think they deserve only what is good. The result is, why should they be thankful? As a matter of fact, they may even complain because they think they deserve better. They tend to be critical and complainers. One of our professors at the seminary sized up a student, saying, “This person is a walking minus sign!” They may grumble, be discontent, see the downside of everything, be quarrelsome and divisive. No one is safe around this type of person.
3. Outbursts of anger, withdrawing, pouting, being moody or impatient because one’s rights or schedules aren’t being met.
4. Perfectionistic-type persons who want to be the best at everything are also proud. Why? Because it’s self-serving. They brag and talk about themselves all the time. It reminds me of a cartoon of Garfield talking to Odie, the dog. He says, “Odie, I’m tired of talking about me. You talk about me for awhile.” Some have an inflated view of their own importance, abilities, and talents.
5. Seeking independence. Some proud people find it extremely difficult to work under someone else, to submit. They have to be their own boss. They say, “I don’t need anyone. I don’t need accountability for my faith and doctrine.” Others cut themselves down with comments, but inwardly they crave self-sufficiency.
6. Monopolizing conversations, being rigid, stubborn, headstrong, and intimidating, saying, “It’s my way or the highway.”
7. Being consumed with what others might think of them, being man-pleasers or man-fearers.
8. Being devastated by criticism.
9. Not listening very well. They compose what they are going to say while you’re speaking.
10. Being unteachable. They know it all. They’re superior. They can’t learn anything.
11. Being sarcastic, hurtful, jesting, saying, “That’s just the way I am. That’s my personality. I’m A-type. I’m dominant, choleric, lion, beaver, mule,” whatever else you want to call them!
12. Wanting to be praised or to be coaxed to serve. Unwillingness to initiate or commit to the right thing simply to please God. I like Jay Adams’ answer to people who leave churches and say, “That was a cold place.” He says, “Go warm it up!” Such people are just consumed with themselves, jealous, envious, not glad for others’ successes, deceitful, covering up faults, rarely seeking help, fake, and hypocritical.
13. Being defensive: “It can’t be my fault!” Then go on to attack the person who dared to challenge them. Revenge, trivializing their sin, rationalizing it, justifying it, judging others by their own self-made standards. Often proud people rarely admit their sin or ask for forgiveness.
14. Lacking in biblical prayer, in service to other people, in sacrificial deeds of love, unless there is honour and praise from man, and a lack obedience to God. (Thomas Watson said, “We should pray without ceasing because beggars beg.”) Instead, they are touchy, irritable, or ultra- sensitive and people have to be careful around them.
15. Resisting authority, being disrespectful. We say he or she has a submission problem. No, they have a pride problem. It’s displaying itself that way. This person is rarely concerned about the welfare of someone else. They view and judge others in terms of how others support them, and their concerns, their ministry, and how they can be used. They voice their preferences at times, even when not asked. When they do voice them, it’s without compassion or consideration for others. They convey an unapproachableness. Even when someone points out a flaw, there’s always a quick retort, minimizing it and moving on.
PRAYER:
My Heavenly Father, You hate pride, please deliver me from it, help me to be an overcomer with the help of the Holy Spirit, never let me be convinced that my fortresses are my strengths. You’re my strength and my security. You will destroy the things we place our faith in, so let us walk in humility and reliance upon You. You have told us that pride leads to shame, while humility leads to insight. Your word tells me, Lord God, that pride precedes ruin and a haughty mind before a fall. Lord, please enable me to see that my pride is causing me harm and help me to truly repent of this sin. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen!
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** By Professor and Bible counselor Stuart Scott / Photo at Pexels
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