Tag: Relationships

Human trafficking earns global profits of roughly $150 billion a year for traffickers, $99 billion of which comes from commercial sexual exploitation ~ human rights first.org

With the explosion of smartphones, tablets, computers, and the Internet, it’s no wonder porn addictions are on the rise – even amongst Christians. The number of online porn viewers continues to soar day-by-day, minute-by-minute, and second-by-second with no definitive end in sight. Approximately 28,000 people view online porn every second, a new porn video is released every 39 minutes, and approximately 42% of porn-watchers visit one or more of the 4 million active online porn sites each day.

A porn addiction takes control of your life, leaving you feeling helpless and hopeless. This addiction presents differently in each individual, however, one thing that remains the same is the inability to stop or resist the urge to view porn. Those who watch pornography become dehumanized; they no longer see their partners and other people as human beings but as sexual toys that exist for their own satisfaction.

As churches grapple with abuse of power revelations, should pornography be on the radar?

The big question was asked at a church convention, as to whether there’s a connection between porn use and abuse, the answer was a resounding yes, because “when you engage in and become addicted to pornography, you lose the sense of responsibility to protect the value and dignity of every person. Abuse of power is the same – using your power in ways that fail to protect the dignity of other people. If you lose that sensitivity of who we are as image bearers of God, then you are more inclined to abuse power in ways that are in line with that.” It was cited the distinction between a predator – someone who actively manipulates others for their own sexual gratification – and a wanderer – someone who doesn’t protect boundaries. “Pornography is being a wanderer at the very least,” she said. “You’re not protecting the boundaries of yourself or of others. So that’s also an abuse of power, and a violation of trust.” Even Ted Bundy, the serial killer, admitted this about porn, that it’s like an addiction, and after a while the ‘high’ wears off and you crave more depraved material to meet that same level of ‘high’ demand, and soon you no longer want to be just a voyeur but act out what you see… and we all know the rest!

“When you start watching pornography, you start to generate an addiction… not only are their families and marriages destroyed, but these people become hooked on more perverse things, such as child pornography. After becoming addicted to child pornography, they become customers. There is tremendous demand and the industry keeps growing… We have to be careful about what we see. We are all the target audience. We have to be vigilant, because we are fragile and vulnerable beings. Temptations are everywhere, even if they are small. However, he who is unfaithful in small things is also unfaithful in big things.” ~ Child trafficking activist

One of the major issues discussed at the convention as how should we deal with sexual abuse inside the church? Motions were made for zero tolerance toward any act of sexual abuse and toward any church that tries to cover-up such abuse. However, the discussion failed to acknowledge factors within our churches that help to cultivate sexual abusers. That’s like wanting to rid our nation of drug addicts while ignoring the existence of drug dealers. If we’re serious about dealing with sexual abuse inside the church, then we also need to seriously address two issues within our church walls—pornography and promiscuity.

Pornography

Pornography is one of the most prominent breeders of sexual abuse. It not only promotes such abuse but is the key funding arm for sex trafficking, which is skyrocketing. That’s because the porn industry’s annual revenue is more than the NFL, NBA and MLB combined. Sadly, many active church attenders are helping to fund this industry.

More than half of pastors say that porn addiction is the most damaging issue in their congregation (57%). And the majority of pastors say porn has adversely impacted the Church (69%). So, why is pornography not included in the conversation about sexual abuse? In my opinion, it’s because dealing with sexual perversion also means dealing with promiscuity.

Scripture demands zero tolerance toward those who practice sexual sin in general—not just those who participate in its most perverted forms. Be sure that any sin thriving in our culture also exists within our churches. We cannot pervert what God intended without experiencing unintended consequences. To be clear, I am not equating those who are promiscuous with sexual abusers. My point is that the church has tolerated promiscuity for a very long time. And in doing so, we’ve seen the growth of sexual perversion. Sin is never static or controlled; it only grows in intensity and in its ability to cause destruction.

Denominational Resolution or Biblical Resolve?

Denominational resolutions pale in comparison to biblical resolve and obedience. Without a doubt, churches need to hold those who sexually abuse others accountable to the law. Victims of abuse should be shown compassion, given comfort, and receive counselling in order to overcome the harm done to them.

But if that’s all we do, then we’re stopping short. Churches who really desire to stand against sexual abuse must preach and practice the full counsel of God. I truly believe that as the standard for biblical purity is promoted and practiced, sexual abuse and perversion will become less prevalent in the Church.

What is sexual sin?

We all have something about ourselves that we don’t like, that we want to change, or that we’re embarrassed about. That’s just part of life. But there are sins that threaten to swallow us, that seek to absorb us, and that change the person we were meant to be. Those sins often lead to guilt and shame. Most often, the sins we feel the most shame and conflict about are sexual sins.

Sexual sins are pervasive. And though we live in a world that likes to teach that we can do anything we want with our bodies, our faith teaches that God’s plan is something very different than that way of life.

When God created the first man and woman, He created them in His image. He created them to complement each other, to have a natural intimacy, to enjoy monogamy, and to love each other unconditionally. This intimacy is born of mutual love, mutual respect, the giving of self, and so much more. This is the kind of relationship that God wants for us. Why? Because we learn about God’s love for us when we act in that love toward a spouse.

When sin entered the world, people began to believe it was their right to do whatever they wanted, especially with their bodies in regard to sexuality. Today, they mock the concept that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Pleasure has become a deity of its own. And people hold fast to the notion “as long as I’m not hurting anyone, it’s fine.” This “me” outlook overshadows all understanding that sexual sins often damage a person’s own self-esteem, their partners, their families, and even their faith.

Then along came a multi-billion-dollar industry to capitalize on these sexual desires.

The Statistics

Christians are not immune to the allure of pornography. A 2014 pornography survey done by Proven Men, a group that helps men overcome porn addiction, found that “the number of Christian men viewing pornography nearly mirrors the national average”:

• 97% have viewed pornography
• 64% view porn at least once a month
• 37% look at porn several times a week

 Further, according to Covenant Eyes (a company that describes itself as “the pioneer of Internet and Screen Accountability™ software, empowering members to maintain their online integrity”):

• 1 in 5 youth pastors and 1 in 7 senior pastors use porn on a regular basis and are currently struggling. That’s more than 50,000 U.S. church leaders.
• 43% of senior pastors and youth pastors say they have struggled with pornography in the past.
• 64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women say they watch porn at least once a month.
• Only 7% of pastors report their church has a ministry program for those struggling with porn.

However, according to the Barna research group, which conducted a survey in 2015, “Practicing Christians are more than three times less likely to use porn than other teens and adults (13% compared to 42%).”

Regardless of the exact numbers, it’s obvious that porn has an allure that many people—including Christians—struggle to say no to.

Promiscuity

Promiscuity and fornication aren’t words we hear much anymore. The free love movement of sixty years ago has come full circle. Because sex outside of marriage is now the norm, many churches no longer call it sin. God’s Word, however, is not ambiguous on the subject. The Bible associate’s sexual relations outside of God’s plan with being “unrighteous.” The apostle Paul wrote that “fornicators, adulterers, and homosexuals” (among others) “will not inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:9–10).

Paul doubles down in Ephesians 5:3-5. “But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Devastating Effects of Porn

Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense.

While many porn websites generate excitement for porn, we know the truth. Porn hurts people. It treats people like objects for pleasure. It gives the person who watches it a skewed vision of the true nature of sexuality. It leads to unhealthy desires, unhealthy attitudes about a sexual partner, and even the inability of men to become aroused in real-life situations.

Furthermore, porn hurts our relationship with God. In a 2017 study entitled “Seeing Is (Not) Believing: How Viewing Pornography Shapes the Religious Lives of Young Americans,” researchers found:

The more a person becomes drawn into the world of porn, the larger the wedge is inserted between them and God. And those who know that porn viewing is wrong begin to feel shame. Their disgust with themselves leads them to think that God has stopped loving them because of this sin. This self-loathing can then lead to increased porn usage, as they try to replace the intimacy and love of God and others with fabricated lust.

Can a Christian Overcome Porn Addiction?

First, pray. Talk to God and ask for His help in overcoming the desire to watch porn. Have an honest conversation with Him about your struggles. The temptation will likely come and go, so prayer must be your constant companion, seek forgiveness in confession.

In addition to prayer, there are some practical things you can do to help curb the temptation to watch porn. These include installing internet filters on your devices to block the porn sites or having an accountability partner to help you stay away from certain sites. But the most important thing you can do involves changing your mindset.

An example prayer for porn addiction and verses:

But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord. (Psalm 141:8)

I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman. (Job 31:1)

My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. (Psalm 25:15)

Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. (Psalm 119:37)

Heavenly Father,

I have been living a fantasy. I hardly feel the prick of conscience anymore. I have become numb and dumbed down in my humanity. I repent of this addiction to pornography. It alienates me from those I love and it alienates me from You, my God. It’s a lie, a trick of the devil. I receive the power of your blood that not only forgives me but cleanses me.

Please do forgive me. Please cleanse me. Drive out my sin. And help me to walk in the light, to experience the blessing of my sexuality under the safeguard of your heavenly standard.

Give me encouragement and accountability. Set me free from my chains. I receive Your Holy Spirit’s power to control my base impulses and to become the human being you have made me to be, ruling over myself and this world with you.

In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.

How Can Christians Conquer a Porn Addiction?

Porn addiction can be conquered with persistence, effort, time, dedication, faith, help, and God, of course. Still, the path to “salvation” will not be easy or quick. Understand that while other addictions (i.e., gambling, alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, etc.) are triggered by external stimuli, porn addiction is triggered by stimuli within the body, more specifically, within the mind (the parts of the brain responsible for memory, motivation, learning, and emotional responses).

Still, being dependent on porn can cause some Christians to experience a deep level of shame and embarrassment, causing them to feel as though God has “abandoned” or “shunned” them because of their behaviour. Because of this “faulty” assumption, some Christians “turn away” from God, other Christians, and the church altogether.

If you are suffering from porn addiction, fret no more, because there are steps you can take to get on the path to recovery.

These steps include the following:

Be Honest with Yourself

If you are Christian suffering from porn addiction, the first thing you’ll need to do to “free” yourself from it is, to be honest with yourself. Thus, the first step in “beating” porn addiction is to admit you are not exempt from sexual temptation. You can’t move forward if you can’t or won’t acknowledge that you have a problem with porn. More specifically, you can’t fully accept help and guidance from God and others until you admit that you’re suffering from porn addiction.

More specifically, you’ll need to acknowledge and accept that we live in a sex-crazed world where sexual temptation via sexual images on television shows, movies, magazines, advertisements, commercials, books, and web content infiltrates almost every area of our everyday lives. We can’t escape it; however, we can take responsibility in what we allow into our psyche, what we choose to watch, the music we listen too, social media sites we visit, we are to guard our eyes and ears as much as it is possible for us to do. Let’s begin with this fact: sexual attraction is not lust. God made us to be attracted to the opposite sex. It is not a sin to notice a beautiful woman or attractive man. It is only sin if we take that attraction to the next step. The sin is not the first look, but the second.

Jesus was clear: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).

Any desire for sexual relationship outside of marriage is wrong. Premarital or extramarital sexual relationship is wrong. Looking lustfully at another person, whether in person or on the Internet or television or magazine, is wrong. Lustful activity in a dating relationship is wrong.

Why? James, the half-brother of Jesus, knew the answer: “after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:15). Lust makes an eternal soul, a child of God, into a thing, a means to our end. It demeans us. It grieves the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, and uses the temple of God for immorality. And it never stops with the second look. It didn’t for David, a “man after God’s own heart.” It won’t with us, either.

Tell Someone

You can’t heal from a porn addiction if you keep it shrouded in secrecy. Thus, it is important to tell someone you trust about it. Addiction prospers in the darkness, so to banish or kill it, it must be brought to light. In other words, hiding the addiction only causes it to grow stronger. It strengthens its hold over you until it steals your livelihood.

Conversely, sharing your porn addiction with a trusted confidant can provide you with the porn addiction support you need to overcome it. Understand that this person doesn’t have to be a friend, family member, pastor, or someone from the Christian community. The only requirement is that you trust this person to tell you the truth, offer support, and respect your wishes.

If talking about your behaviour mortifies you – gather your courage, lean on your faith, and do it anyway. You’re not going to “kick this habit” alone, so you’ll need the support. If you could heal from your addiction alone, you probably would have conquered it a long time ago. However, you are still suffering from it, so it is time to tell someone what you’re experiencing.

Furthermore, telling someone about porn-watching, makes you accountable for your actions. In other words, once you tell someone, you can no longer pretend it doesn’t exist. And, because, it is no longer a secret, you are likely to take action to remedy it.

Turn to God

The Bible instructs “believers” to turn to God in times of sorrow and distress. So, the only way to truly combat a porn addiction, as a Christian, is to give the addiction over to God. If you turn to God, he will carry you through any trials (i.e., porn addiction) you experience.

As mentioned above, both Christians and non-Christians experience sexual temptation (desire and lust) and everyone, regardless of religious affiliation, is vulnerable to porn addiction. However, having faith, believing in God, and confessing your sins, along with reading the Bible and praying can help you heal from this dependency. But, understand that God’s ability to help you overcome this “fixation” lies in the depth of your faith.

Change Your Routine

One way to defeat a porn addiction is to change your routine and develop new habits. For instance, if your “porn habit” typically begins once your spouse and children have gone to bed, opt for a hot shower or warm bath, read, meditate, listen to calming music, or simply sleep instead of jumping on your computer, laptop, smartphone, or tablet. Make a vow to stay off of the Internet during this time.

And, if you are single or live alone and typically turn to porn, while eating dinner, use this time for non-Internet activities, such as calling a friend, turning on a funny sitcom or family movie, or listening to music. Remember, the goal is to avoid porn, which means staying off the Internet as much as possible.

Adopt Healthier Coping Mechanisms

If you are using porn to deal with upsetting, confusing, or negative events and/or emotions, you’ll need to learn healthier coping mechanisms to beat your addiction. For instance, if meeting people makes you feel uncomfortable, but you still want to feel a connection with someone, instead of turning to porn, focus on increasing your self-confidence by going out with friends, signing up for a class, developing a new hobby, joining a club or sports team, etc. The goal is to adopt healthier coping mechanisms, so you don’t feel the need to turn to porn when you’re bored, frustrated, depressed, lonely, anxious, or angry.

Stay Busy

To distract yourself from porn, you’ll need to stay busy. Frequent porn use is a habit often triggered by boredom. In other words, some Christians turn to porn because they simply don’t have anything else to do. Research suggests that in this COVID age of social distancing and lockdowns, porn use to skyrocket amongst all populations. Porn has become entertainment for some Christians – a habit that “can” eventually turn into an addiction.

Staying busy not only prevents boredom and occupies your time, but it can also help “squash” your “porn habit.” So, the next time you get the urge to watch online porn, take a jog around the neighbourhood, immerse yourself in a juicy book, volunteer at your local animal shelter, sign-up for an interesting class, develop a new hobby, join a club, head to the gym, or hang out with friends and family.

Use a Public Computer

If privacy is a condition of your porn use only use the Internet in public venues (i.e., library, school, coffee shop, or work) or when others are around. Move your computer or laptop to a common area like your living room or kitchen – places that people tend to frequent. And, refrain from surfing the internet in private (i.e., car, bedroom, bathroom, basement, etc.) The goal is to deter you from clicking on porn sites for fear of judgment and ridicule from others.

Attend Christian Counselling or Join a Support Group

A porn addiction thrives in secrecy and isolation, so the best way to crush it is to bring it out into the open where others can see it. Seeking help from a Christian counsellor and/or joining a porn addiction support group are two ways you can receive the porn addiction help and support you need to overcome your addiction. Sharing your concerns with a Christian counsellor and/or members of a support group can also help remove the shame and stigma often associated with porn use.

Furthermore, counselling and support groups can also reveal the root of your addiction (its origin), so can subdue your urges for porn. One of the best things about counselling and support groups is there is no judgment – only solutions. Counsellors and group members not only teach you how to effectively cope with your urges, but also how to prevent relapses and rely on God and the Bible for comfort, strength, and reassurance.

There Is Hope and Forgiveness in God

In 1 Corinthians, we read: “No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it” (1 Cor. 10.13).

And Proverbs tells us: “Those who conceal their sins do not prosper, but those who confess and forsake them obtain mercy” (Prov. 28.13).

There is no disputing God’s love. It’s a love we cannot even fathom. Because of this immense love, He will forgive us if we seek forgiveness.

The first step to living a life without a reliance on porn is to admit how destructive it has become. Whether you are married or single, you must acknowledge that it hurts you and all of your relationships—with your partner, with your children, with God, and even with your friends.

Just as it keeps you from true intimacy with your spouse, it keeps you from an intimacy with God.

But you can overcome the reliance on pornography and have a truly beautiful and amazing intimate relationship with God. How? You must work toward strengthening that relationship over time through prayer and through your actions.

Final Thoughts

Pornography hurts. It hurts individuals. It hurts relationships. It hurts families. And it hurts our relationship with God. Christians are not immune to the temptations of the world. In fact, some might say we are even more prone to temptation, as the devil seeks out those who are close to God in an attempt to ruin the relationship.

Christ taught us that “a thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy” but that He “came so that [we] might have life and have it more abundantly” (John 10.10).

In Christ, we can have the intimacy we desire. We can have the love we need. We can have goodness and joy we crave.

He is beckoning. Let us resolve to go to Him and sin no more.

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*** Article by Dr Langham at Stop Together + Jim Denison at Denison Forum + Angela Rietsma Bick at Christian Courier + Bucky Kennedy Ministries + Susan Ciancio at Human Life International + Juan Carlos Vasconez at omnes / Prayer by Mark and Jill Herringshaw / Photo by Anirudh Bhatnagar at Pexels