Tag: Christianity 101

8 Signs of The Jezebel Spirit

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Jezebel is mentioned in the Bible over 22 times, mostly in 1 Kings 18, but also again in Revelation 2. In other portions of Scripture, fear and heaviness are called spirits, but the Bible does not directly call Jezebel a spirit. 

So why do Christians call Jezebel a spirit?

It is because of her reappearance in the book of Revelation that the idea of a spirit was derived.

Due to this verse, we can assume that Jezebel is a demonic spirit that inhabits a person and causes them to be control-driven, a promoter of false teaching, and heavily driven by sexual appetite.

The best way to define this spirit is by looking at the example Jezebel herself lived (1 Kings 18). She lived a life of immorality, idolatry, false teachings, and unrepented sins. She was not guided by principles or restrained by a fear of God or man. She was passionate in her pursuit and heavily attached to heathenistic worship.

Jezebel in The New Testament

If you read the context of this chapter, you will notice that it was the church that had Jezebel operating in high levels of the church. As surprising as that may seem, it is not at all uncommon to see. So here are a few characteristics and truths to note and be aware of so you can steer clear of this spirit.

8 Characteristics of the Spirit of Jezebel

1. It Operates in Men and Women

I remember a time when I was doing deliverance on this man and the spirit of Jezebel manifested. It had been causing lust in his life and after the guy was delivered, he was free from pornography. It is a lie that this spirit only operates in women through the means of control.

2. It Causes Control, Manipulation, & Domination (A Form of Witchcraft)

Manipulation, intimidation, and the desire or impulse to control people is a characteristic of Jezebel.

The Bible says the fruit of the Holy Spirit is,

The fruit of Jezebel is people-control. It causes a desire to control the surroundings and even people, while never producing “self-control.”

3. It Causes Fear, Flight, and Discouragement

Jezebel is good at causing intimidation in people.

Scripture highlights that she didn’t kill Elijah, she simply sent a messenger to discourage him and make him run in fear of his life.

Elijah was a powerful man of God. He brought fire down from heaven with his command; he seemed fearless! However, this threat was enough to instill fear and even depression in his life. This happened shortly after he had such a great victory on Mount Carmel (1 Kings 18).

A lot of times, after great victories, this spirit will try and bring deep despair to a person. They might even feel as though they don’t want to live, and it causes cycles of burnout.

4. It Seduces and Provokes Sexual Immorality

Revelation says,

Many of us have heard stories of men of God who have fallen into this sin. They have been seduced, have come under discouragement, and have fallen into the enemy’s trap.

When Jehu came to destroy Jezebel, she came out of the window and made sure to have makeup on. Her plan was to seduce Jehu.

Jezebel is after ministers of God. This is very common because of the authority in which they stand. When someone in authority falls, the news doesn’t just affect the immediate family, but they also affect those who believed in them and followed their ministry.

Take time to pray for your pastors, for the men and women God has placed in leadership roles around you. The higher that God takes a person, the more the enemy wants to attack them and so they will fall into sin, affecting the faith of many as a result.

When David committed sexual immorality with Bathsheba, the Lord said,

His sin had given leeway for others to doubt and blaspheme the God that David served. The enemy will often use this tactic to cause ministers of God to fall into pornography, adultery, and other sexual sins.

5. Teaches False Doctrine

In the Old Testament, Jezebel was in full control of religion. Not only was she a queen, but Scripture describes her as a religious leader in charge of many prophets who worked alongside her to control the religious climate of that time.

In Revelation, we see the same thing. She calls herself a prophetess, and we see that she is influential enough to persuade the culture of the church through her teachings.

Jezebel is someone who preaches other truths other than the Gospel. No matter how good a person’s outward appearance is, if the doctrine they are presenting goes contrary to that of Scripture, steer clear from them and their message.  

Jezebel is not just seductive and controlling, it also has the characteristic of a teacher. Always be cautious that you don’t fall under the influence of Jezebel by teaching something that is not true according to the Scriptures.

6. Loves Leadership Positions

Jezebel was not just a servant; she was a queen. In Revelation, we see that she was a prophetess. I am always cautious when I see young men or women who seem to love the spotlight. They can’t live without a microphone or a podium because it feeds a sense of worth and value.

It is dangerous to feed this insecurity through this means. By doing so, you can unknowingly allow this spirit to overtake you, and begin to influence the church and the kingdom of God through your desire for fame. Then, instead of being used by God, you will be a puppet for the enemy’s schemes.

7. Thrives Where Leadership is Weak

For every Jezebel, there is an Ahab.

Ahab has a very passive character and was unwilling to confront Jezebel. God had to send Jehu to take her out because Ahab couldn’t.

Jezebel thrives in areas where leadership is afraid of confrontation.

When leadership is passive and fears any conflict that may occur when confronting Jezebel, they are acting just as Ahab did ­–enabling.

We don’t have to love confrontation, but part of the challenge of being in leadership in the church or being a pastor is spotting and confronting Jezebel. To do that you must have the spirit of Elijah, the characteristic that he displayed when he fought the evil brought about by her.  

Before you run off and confront everyone that you don’t get along with within the church, deal with Jezebel within your own life. Certain habits, desire for control, discouragements, sexual sins, desires for fame – deal with these areas first before you deal with them in others. Afterward, don’t be afraid of men, but confront those behaviors.

8. Not Repentant

Jezebel is usually not repentant. We see in 1 King that she never repented, she had to be punished. And in the book of Revelation, God gives her a chance to repent, but she was unwilling.

There are consequences to allowing this wicked spirit to operate in your life. If you notice your behavior being influenced by this spirit, or others around you, repent and confront that witch head-on.

Don’t give a place to Jezebel in your life.  

You can overcome Jezebel by the blood of Jesus, repentance of sin, and seeking to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

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*** *** By Vladimir Savchuk © Copyright – Vladimir Savchuk. No changes whatsoever are to be made to the content of the article without written permission from the author at HungryGen / Photo by Pixabay

Opening the Door to Healing: When Childhood Sexual Abuse Affects Marriage’s Intimacy

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“Don’tcha wanna be married? Or have kids?”

I nodded, tears streaming down my five-year-old face, thorns and brambles cutting into my backside.

“You gotta do this, then, or you can’t ever be married.” The voice—which came from a teenage boy, accompanied by the snicker from his kid brother—would haunt me for 18 years until I got married.

It still haunts me.

The statistics about sexual crime both alarm and numb. According to the Department of Justice, by age 18, one in four women and one in six men have been sexually abused.

I thought if I hid my pain I could magically improve sexually. But not addressing the truth was disastrous my sexual relationship with my husband.

What happens to the titanic number of sexually abused men and women when they marry and enter regular sexual experiences with their mates? One study published in Contemporary Family Therapy estimates that 56 percent of women who were sexually abused as children feel discomfort during sex and 36 percent seek some sort of sexual therapy.

Although I told my husband, Patrick, about the abuse while we were dating, after we were married, I pretended immunity from my past trauma. But keeping up the charade wasn’t so easy since sex reminded me of the abuse. I didn’t tell Patrick, though, because I felt guilty, as though I were a poor wife.

I hoped somehow I could work out everything through sheer willpower. So throughout our early married life, I tolerated sex, never letting Patrick know how much I was hurting. I’m not sure if I even knew the extent of my pain, at least enough to verbalize it.

When our eldest daughter turned five, however, I began to relive the molestation I’d experienced at her age. I felt the horror afresh. I saw those brothers steal my innocence on muddied nature trails, in secluded playgrounds, and in their bedroom.

I puzzled over the photos my divorced father took of nude women and his insistence that I bathe him while he sat naked in his claw-footed tub. I ached over my mother’s lack of protection. I felt abandoned.

Although I grieved, I still didn’t realize how much those experiences were poisoning my sexual relationship with Patrick. It wasn’t until we went through some marital difficulties and I spent two years in counseling that I finally realized the problem.

Now 12 years into our marriage, Patrick and I see clearly how the past affected our relationship—especially sexually.

Fear of being used. I felt used easily. If Patrick didn’t talk enough with me during the day but then initiated sex, I’d remember that frightened five-year-old who was simply a rag doll to be played with. If he touched me in a way that triggered the abuser’s touch, I’d grit my teeth and silently recoil.

I’d think, Men want only to use me. I’m just a plaything. My resentment grew toward Patrick, yet I remained quiet, and he grew frustrated that I wouldn’t tell him the problem.

A distorted view of sex. It was difficult for me to see sex as beautiful and what God intended. I felt if I enjoyed sex, I was somehow legitimizing my abusers, that they were right in molesting me. But if I didn’t enjoy it, I wasn’t a good Christian wife.

My view of sex was that it was solely for a man’s gratification. I longed (and still long) for the passionate Song of Solomon-kind of abandon.

Guilt over failure to perform sexually. I’ve often lamented to God, “Why did you give me a man who loves physical touch? Are you setting me up for failure?” I’ve felt overwhelming guilt over not having enough sex. The Christian marriage books I read and the sexual intimacy seminars I attended further thrust me into shame’s cesspool; it’s my duty after all—I’m depriving my husband. Couple that advice with a deep-seated ambivalence toward sex and I was a sexually defeated wife.

Part of my denying Patrick sex stemmed from wanting to avoid the deeper problem. When I “gave in,” I uncovered prickly emotions I couldn’t understand. It was easier if I avoided intimacy as much as I could so I wouldn’t rip open a festering wound I couldn’t handle.

Isolation and emotional disengagement. Of all the issues Patrick and I have confronted, this carries with it the deepest, most insidious pain.

Patrick once told me about a vision he had in which I was pacing on a high diving board while he and the children beckoned me from a swimming pool far below.

They shouted, “Dive in! The water’s great!”

I peered over the edge of the board.

I saw their laughter-infused antics, but I turned away and walked down the ladder. Instead, I settled for putting my toe in the water while the rest of my family splashed and laughed.

I longed to be the spontaneous one who dives into the lives of my family, but I’d disconnected somehow, which prevented me from letting my husband into the recesses of my heart.

Lack of affection and passion. I found myself unable to be affectionate with my immediate family. While I knew I was supposed to demonstrate my love in tangible, physical ways, that seldom came naturally. When my son cried, I had to tell myself to hug him. When my husband came home from work, I had to make myself kiss him.

Coping Strategies

I wish I could say I’m free and the wound of sexual abuse is completely healed. I still have tender spots. But as Patrick and I have explored these areas, we’ve learned some important coping strategies.

Be willing to be healed. I liken emotional healing to a tunnel that links a barren land with a pristine forest. We’ll never drink from the forest’s mountain spring if we don’t go through the tunnel. But most of us feel too afraid to step inside for fear of the dark; and the barren land—bleak as it is—has a staid familiarity about it. The truth? It’s dark in the tunnel. The hurt is intensified, especially when we can’t see the other side.

When I became a Christian at 15, I clung to the apostle Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 5:17: “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I decided I’d been healed of all emotional wounds when I became a Christian and viewed others who struggled as lacking faith. But my emotional world fell apart in college and I became a struggler. I cried a lot. God sent many friends who simply listened and prayed for me.

I thought those prayers in college and my grief were all I needed to be whole. After things began to fall apart in our marriage, I realized how much more healing I needed and sought help from a Christian counselor.

Talk about your sexual relationship. As difficult as it might be, Patrick and I had to speak frankly about our sexual relationship.

Through God’s strength, I was finally able to tell Patrick, “When you complain about our sexual frequency, I want to give up and never try,” or “When you say or do that, I feel used, that I’m only an object.”

In that same God-strength, Patrick was able to say, “When you don’t place sex and affection as a priority, I don’t feel loved,” or “When you don’t kiss me, I feel distant from you.”

We also had to resolve not to hide our anger or our pain. Patrick buried his anger over my lack of response and then quit communicating altogether. I erroneously thought if I hid my pain over my past I could magically improve sexually. But we realized not addressing the truth was disastrous for our sexual relationship.

Heal together. I used to think I was the only one working on issues from my past. When I struggled, I’d turn to my “normal” husband who had a seemingly idyllic upbringing and say, “You’re perfect and I’m yucky.”

Patrick seldom explored his own childhood issues. Consequently, I felt alone in my grief.

In his book The Wounded Heart, Dr. Dan Allender suggests that one way a marriage can offer healing is if the non-abused spouse will look at where he or she has been harmed from childhood. I felt a sense of comfort when I read: “We all have wounds; some are stab wounds, others pinpricks. The category isn’t the degree of bleeding but ‘have you ever bled?'”

The camaraderie returned in our marriage when I saw Patrick begin to explore his family of origin issues. When he saw me becoming free from my past issues, it spurred him to look at his upbringing. He began to look at his quick temper, how he saw that modeled as a child, what it did to him to be on the receiving end of it, and how it still affects him. The process for him has been slow. He’s quick to dismiss pain from his past, but he’s beginning to see how that dismissal has helped him wall himself off from others, including me.

Now instead of feeling like a solitary pilgrim, I have Patrick’s hand to grab as we share our past injuries and our future.

I still hear the haunting words of my abusers, and Patrick and I still struggle in our marriage. Last night we spent an hour discussing our sexual relationship and our mutual frustration over my reticence to kiss and his reluctance to share his hurts. Even so, I’m learning to take an emancipated leap off the high dive into our marriage.

Patrick’s Story

When Mary first told me about her past sexual abuse, I felt sad for her, particularly since it happened as a young child.

While I wasn’t worried about the abuse influencing our sexual lives at first, later into our marriage I realized it was affecting us. I became angry because we’d be paying for years for what those people had done to her. It wasn’t fair. I feel part of our marital intimacy is missing—that it’s been ripped from us.

When Mary would withdraw from me sexually, I often found myself caught between feeling that things would never get better, that Mary would never be healed from her past, and empathy for her, wanting to give her as much space as she needed.

I became confused about what I was supposed to do to help her through this traumatic experience. The most frustrating to me was that I couldn’t fix our situation. I couldn’t fix her past. I was helpless.

It hurt me because I knew there was a part of her she was holding back from me. Because of the abuse, there was nothing I could do that would make her feel comfortable enough to allow me into the vulnerable parts of her life.

She felt dead where intimacy was concerned—which affected my self-esteem. For me, kissing and showing affection are important signs to make me feel loved, cherished, and accepted. I’d feel rejected when I’d lean in for a kiss or a hug and she’d turn away. I’d tell myself over and over, Mary does love me, but can’t express affection the way I want to receive it.

I know I said and did things that cemented some of her fears. I put pressure on her to change. I placed “performance” expectations on her that were probably unfair. Still, though, I was angry. When I became angry, I just stopped talking. I put up an emotional wall toward her that served two purposes: it would “teach her a lesson,” and it would protect me from feeling rejected.

When these issues surfaced, I had to readjust my expectations until she was better able to handle our sexual relationship.

Along the way to her healing, I continually worried about whether what I was doing would bring back a painful memory for her. I didn’t want her to connect what I did or said to the pain she’d experienced. There are times I still worry about that.

But I’ve tried to provide an environment where Mary feels safe to share the memories, the pain, and her current struggles. Sometimes this means just listening. Sometimes it means crying with her, praying for her, or encouraging her. Sometimes it means asking for forgiveness when I cross a line that’s hurt her. Sometimes it means I challenge her to overcome her fears.

We both understand that if we want to grow together, we must be willing to challenge—and be challenged by—our actions and thinking. We both want to move past being victims to becoming survivors.

The most important thing is not to think, “Get over it already!” I know now that while her past continues to heal and our sexual relationship grows stronger, there may always be leftover scars. So during the times when I’m tempted to think, Let’s move past this, I recommit myself to being consistent in my love for her.

No matter the discussion, argument, or difficulty, I realize she needs to know she can trust me with her emotions and that if I’m hurt, frustrated, or angry, I won’t leave or run from her.

Mary and I deal with the issues as they arise, no matter how frustrating or difficult they may be.

My prayer is that one day we’ll be able to look at each other and know this abuse no longer taints our relationship. I’m hopeful because I’ve seen Mary grow so much in this area, and she continues to walk this difficult road with me.

— Patrick DeMuth

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Article by Mary DeMuth the author of Everything: What You Give and What You Gain to Become Like Jesus (Thomas Nelson) At Today’s Christian Woman / Copyright © by the author or Christianity Today / Marriage Partnership magazine. / Photo by Anna-Mari West at Shutterstock

*** Christian Counselling page

How to T.H.I.N.K. Before You Speak and Not Put Your Foot in Your Mouth

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Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones ~ Proverbs 16:24

Do you remember all the situations where you said something you regretted deeply? All the times where you wished to have thought a little bit better before speaking and avoided the embarrassment you faced. I can surely make a long list for the same and I’m sure you have plenty of those just like me, right? To think before you speak is a much-needed skill and today in this blog, we’ll talk about just that along with tips on how to think before you speak. 

Read on because, by the end of this blog, you’ll know all my top tips and tricks on how to think before you speak and not put your foot in your mouth!

How difficult can it be to think before you speak? 

Thinking before speaking isn’t rare; it’s almost human nature to feel the need to contribute to a conversation. Sometimes, you may feel emotional about a topic and may not think before you talk about it. Hence, it can be pretty hard to stop yourself from blurting out the first thing that pops into your head. There are a variety of reasons that can prevent you from thinking before speaking. So, don’t beat yourself about it if it happens to you. 

That being said, you do need to remember that we as humans are social beings and need to communicate effectively in our everyday lives. Communication is the key to happy and sorted relationships. Hence, it’s important to inculcate the habit of being able to think before you speak with anyone.

Why should you think before you speak?

A colleague once asked me why I should think before speaking? How does it even matter! 

Thinking before speaking is pretty much a life skill. Here are some basic reasons for you to think before you speak:

  • It’s essential for your credibility because if what you communicate isn’t credible or useful, people won’t respect you or your words. Imagine that you are in a group discussion around international relations and you mistakenly mention that the capital of Japan is Beijing in a hurry. If it wasn’t because you didn’t know that Japan’s capital is Tokyo but because you didn’t take the time to process or think before you speak. Such an incident will reduce your credibility but could’ve been easily avoided if you had taken a pause to think.
  • Another reason for you to think before you speak is that if you do not think before you speak, you might end up hurting someone. Sometimes when we get emotional, it’s easy to get carried away and react to everything negatively. This is pretty common when we are arguing with our loved ones and hence, can impact our relationships severely. Hence, the ability to think before you speak can be fruitful in such scenarios.
  • Thinking before speaking can also help you stay out of trouble in several ways.Let’s say you’re in a meeting and your boss asks for a volunteer to take over the operations for your company’s newly acquired venture in Yemen. You say yes, just to please your boss without understanding the whole deal and now, you don’t know how to refuse. Had you listened and thought before speaking, you’d save yourself from the trouble of explaining yourself. 

I hope you got enough reasons to think before you speak now? Great. Now, let’s move on to our next pertinent question. 

  • It’s essential for your credibility because if what you communicate isn’t credible or useful, people won’t respect you or your words. Imagine that you are in a group discussion around international relations and you mistakenly mention that the capital of Japan is Beijing in a hurry. If it wasn’t because you didn’t know that Japan’s capital is Tokyo but because you didn’t take the time to process or think before you speak. Such an incident will reduce your credibility but could’ve been easily avoided if you had taken a pause to think.
  • Another reason for you to think before you speak is that if you do not think before you speak, you might end up hurting someone. Sometimes when we get emotional, it’s easy to get carried away and react to everything negatively. This is pretty common when we are arguing with our loved ones and hence, can impact our relationships severely. Hence, the ability to think before you speak can be fruitful in such scenarios.
  • Thinking before speaking can also help you stay out of trouble in several ways. Let’s say you’re in a meeting and your boss asks for a volunteer to take over the operations for your company’s newly acquired venture in Yemen. You say yes, just to please your boss without understanding the whole deal and now, you don’t know how to refuse. Had you listened and thought before speaking, you’d save yourself from the trouble of explaining yourself. 

I hope you got enough reasons to think before you speak now? Great. Now, let’s move on to our next pertinent question. 

Why does it happen? Why is it so hard to think before you speak? 

The answer to this often has to do with impulse control or to be precise, the lack of it. Impulse control is simply the ability to control an urge to do something or control a reaction to anything. So, it’s possible that you can not think before you speak due to impulse control issues.

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself, “Why can’t I think clearly when talking to people?” or “Why do I always end up saying the wrong things?” Trust me, because I have too. There are many reasons for this but in general, you don’t think before you speak: a lack of patience, the lack of listening skills, or due to impulsiveness.

The Lack of Patience

Talking about the lack of patience, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Our urge to contribute to a conversation or the urge to be an active part of a discussion can sometimes be problematic. The lack of patience in such scenarios can lead to you interrupting others before they’re done and saying something incorrectly. It’s not easy to be patient and take a pause especially while talking about something we’re passionate about and thus, can lead to speaking before thinking.

The Lack of Listening Skills

Listening skills are as important for effective communication, if not more, than speaking skills. It’s nearly impossible to add something of value to a discussion or carry a conversation forward without listening actively. A lack of listening skills can even negatively impact your relationships as you might end up saying something you don’t mean. Hence, listening is essential to think before you speak.

Being Impulsive

Being impulsive is another trait that can be the reason behind your inability to think before you speak. Impulsiveness (or impulsivity) is the tendency to act on a whim, displaying behavior characterized by little or no forethought, reflection, or consideration of the consequences. So, being impulsive can lead to you not thinking before speaking too.

You know enough about why you can’t think before you speak normally now, right? 

But should you always think before speaking? 

I’d say you should mostly think before you speak, it’ll save you a lot of trouble, the Lord gave us two ears and one mouth, to talk less and listen more. But if you’re just hanging out with friends and not really discussing anything specific, it’s okay to just go with the flow as well. Overthinking everything just like underthinking can be problematic. 

So, yes always try to think enough before you speak but don’t venture into the territory of overthinking. 

Now that we’ve covered a bunch of questions about why we can’t think before speaking and why we should, let’s get into the ways to achieve it. I’m going to tell you actionable ways on how to think before you speak. 

The THINK Acronym

  1. The ultimate think before you speak trick is the word THINK itself, an acronym.

Before speaking anything, just THINK; this is to ask yourself five questions: Is what I’m saying True, is it Helpful, is it Inspiring, is it Necessary, and is it Kind enough? 

  • T For True: Always make sure whatever you are saying is true. Don’t try to make something up or add fuel to gossip just to have something to say. Just be honest and your words will immediately be more impactful.
  • H For Helpful: Helpful words are usually appreciated by everyone. So, if you have something to say that can be of help to someone, go ahead. But if you think that your words might be hurtful or mocking, then avoid speaking.
  • I For Inspiring: Saying something that’s encouraging, motivational, or inspiring is always a good idea. It can be anything from giving someone a small compliment on someone’s presentation to inspiring others to achieve their goals with your story.
  • N For Necessary: Speak when necessary or try not to speak. Often we need to warn people before they do something they shouldn’t or even explain a necessary concept to someone. 
  • K For Kind: If you don’t have something positive and kind today, don’t say it. Humans are emotional beings and need reassurance from time to time. So, try not to be harsh with your words and don’t hurt others. It’s important to speak considerably and kind to everyone. 

This is the golden rule on thinking before you speak, once you ask yourself these questions and get yes as the answer. You’re good to go! Because if what you speak passes this method with flying colors, it’s undoubtedly worthy of being said. Also, you can even put up a THINK before you speak poster in your room if you’d like to remember this method.

Wait, that’s not all; we’ve got more tips to assist you.

 The Power of Mental Pause

  1. Next up, utilize the power of your mental pause. In the words of a wise man, “Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace.” 

Simply put, take a breather and compose your thoughts before jumping on the speaking train. Hasty words can trouble you for a long time, even after they have left your mouth. So, learn to press the pause button. Imagine it as a pause button that you use to rewind your thoughts, think of the right response, and finally, press play.

We all have a mental pause button that we can learn to use over time. It’s the time we take to respond and it’s absolutely normal. So, make it a habit to utilize your mental pause button to master how to think before you speak. 

If you find the silence disturbing, just say, “I need a minute to ponder over this, thank you” before speaking. It’s always better to take some time to think before you speak. The pause helps you respond instead of reacting. You can also say, “I don’t think I know enough on this topic,” instead of forcing yourself to speak without knowledge. 

  1. Now on to the third tip, listen and listen carefully. A significant part of effective and thoughtful communication is listening. If you listen to others intently, you’ll be able to converse better and also partake in conversations without saying something awkward. 

To give you an example, once at a social gathering, I was talking to a bunch of vegans. One of them probably mentioned that they do not think it’s okay to eat animal products, but I was busy using my phone and misunderstood because I didn’t listen properly and blurted out “Of course, non-vegetarian food is great.” And went on to talk about non-vegetarian food. I didn’t realize right away but it got awkward pretty quickly. So, it’s better to just listen and avoid such a blunder. Make sure you listen with your ears open if you’d like to think before you speak.

How to get into the habit of thinking before I speak?

One way of honing this habit is to have practice conversations with friends or peers about some impromptu topics. This will challenge you to think on the spot and you can then think before you give each response. First, start by taking as much time as you need and measure each response time. After a while, you can start running an actual or mental timer of a few seconds to think of a proper response before the time runs out. This will not only help you practice how to think before you speak but will also help you hone the skill of quick thinking on the spot. Such skills are very helpful in personal and professional situations in which you are required to think on the spot and showcase your intelligence or responsiveness. There are other ways to become a better quick thinker as discussed below.

Becoming A Quick Thinker

The sure-shot way of mastering thinking before speaking is becoming a quick thinker and improving your responses over time. Becoming a quick thinker makes your impression on people around you better and helps you perform well in unpredictable situations when you are required to speak. Many times you might have come across situations in your personal and professional life where you had to think on your feet but you could not come up with a proper response because you spent too much time thinking before you speak. Here are a few tips on how you can tackle such situations better:

1. Note down some responses you would like to give in these situations in the future.

2. Plan some generic positive remarks, comments, or stories you can use when asked to speak up without notice.

3. Think of some questions you can ask to change the conversation topic or deflect the conversation to another person.

These handy tips can help you go a long way in saving time when thinking before speaking and make you come off as intelligent and quick but still thoughtful. 

So, I’m sure you understand how important it is to think before we speak. It’s a life skill that can help us grab opportunities and excel professionally and personally. Refer to the above table to get a quick glance at everything we’ve discussed and worked on your mental pause. I hope that I could help you with some useful tips! 

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**By Prageet Goel at Orai / Photo at Pexels

8 Steps To True Forgiveness and Learning How to Forgive

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“But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” ~ Matthew 6:15

What is forgiveness?

The definition of forgiveness is essentially the act of pardoning an offender. In the Bible, the Greek word translated “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”, as when a person does not demand payment for a debt. Jesus used this comparison in his parable of the unmerciful slave (Matthew 18:23-35) as well as when he taught his followers to pray “Forgive us our sins, for we ourselves also forgive everyone who is in debt to us” (Luke 11:4).

The Bible teaches that unselfish love is the basis for true forgiveness, since “it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Forgiving others means letting go of resentment and giving up any claim to be compensated for the hurt or loss we have suffered.

Why do we need to forgive?

Forgiveness is at the very heart of the gospel. Colossians 3:13 states, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” We were born sinners against God, but He loved us enough to send Christ, His Son to die for us.

In the same way, we are commanded to forgive those who do wrong to us, not just those who are asking for forgiveness, or those who are first-time offenders or whose wrongs seem forgivable. Jesus famously told Peter in Matthew 18 to forgive someone “seventy times seven” times and he makes the sobering statement that if we do not forgive others, our Father in Heaven will not forgive us (Matthew 6:15).

First and foremost, forgiving others is obedience, however, we also need to forgive others so that we don’t grow bitter. Resentment is a very unhealthy emotion; it hurts us far more than those who have affronted us or anyone else.

The Bible states this in Hebrews 12:15, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it, many become defiled.” As we release unforgiveness and all the bitterness and anger that comes with it, we are freed to live and serve with real peace and joy and to grow in spiritual maturity.

What forgiveness isn’t

A well-known pastor explained that many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don’t understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiving others must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it.

Trust, on the other hand, has to do with future behavior and it will likely take time to build or rebuild. Warren  explains, “If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you.”

Forgiveness isn’t sweeping things under the rug and saying what the other person did or said was okay. Forgiveness is also not necessarily forgetting what happened. Depending on the situation, it may require a time of healing.

But if you hold on to the transgression like a trump card and play it every chance you get, you can be sure that unforgiveness is still present. This goes against Jesus’ command to forgive “seventy times seven” times.  After all, remember that God has forgiven you more times than you will ever have the opportunity to forgive someone else.

How to forgive

How then do we achieve this “letting go,” which can feel like an impossible task? Even if we desire it; our emotions can rise up at the least expected time and overwhelm us with anger and pain.

In our own strength, forgiving others in the way we have received God’s forgiveness is impossible, but with God, nothing is impossible, and with His Spirit inside us we can go through a process that leads to true forgiveness.

Here are eight steps to help you truly forgive and have freedom in your life. If you have been significantly hurt by someone’s actions or words, working through these stages with a Christian counselor can be immensely helpful. Having someone to whom you can reveal your internal feelings and who will gently nudge you towards God’s word, can guard against stagnation, and those bitter roots which Hebrews 12 warns about.

8 Steps to True Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge the pain.

Working through pain can only happen once you admit you’ve been hurt. And acknowledging this can intensify the feelings. Tears, feelings of resentment and ruminating thoughts are a good indicator that something’s wrong. Don’t numb yourself or “stuff” the emotion down, as that cuts off the process of forgiving others before it’s even begun.

2. Think through things.

Try writing down what happened in a journal, or share with a trusted friend. Admit that what happened makes you feel sad or angry, and be honest about what emotions are rising up in you, even if it epitomizes unforgiveness and you think you shouldn’t feel that way.

3. Imagine being on the other side.

Think about a time when you have had to ask for forgiveness; how did it make you feel? When have you wronged another person, and did they extend forgiveness to you, or withhold it? The Bible directs us to do to others what we would have them do to us (Matthew 7:12) and so it can be helpful to put ourselves in their shoes for a moment.

4. Remember God’s forgiveness.

Reminding ourselves of the debt that God forgave us in Christ when we certainly didn’t deserve it, can help us forgive others. If we have been forgiven so much, how then can we hold onto grievances committed against us? This is another step in the process and doesn’t mean that you must be ready at this point to voice your forgiveness to your offender. This may not ever be possible, as the person may no longer be living. You can still forgive someone without that forgiveness being accepted.

5. Reflect on our Biblical command.

Jesus stressed the importance of forgiving others on many occasions and even included it in the Lord’s prayer, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Pray that this would hit home in your heart and that your decision to obey would force your emotions to catch up.

6. Let go of the hurt.

The devil is an expert at getting a foothold when we have made a choice to forgive but the wound is still sensitive. Don’t allow yourself to replay the offense over and over; let go of the pain and determine that you are going to choose to move forward. This is where prayer is essential as on our own we are tempted to wander back to unforgiveness.

7. Continue to forgive.

Forgiveness is more than just saying a prayer and moving on. It’s a serious decision that you make over and over again. The process will most likely be uncomfortable and painful, but it will always be worth it in the end.

8. Pray for the person who hurt you.

In Matthew 5:44 Jesus commands us “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Ask God to reveal his love to your offender in your heart, and for him to dissolve negative emotions. Is there any more powerful witness of God’s transforming grace than someone who can display true forgiveness to the “unforgivable”?

With promises found in Scriptures like Philippians 4:13 (“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength”) and Romans 12:21 (“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good”), we know that we can depend on God to give us the grace to live out forgiveness. Make the right choice – start a journey of forgiveness today, praying for the Lord to equip you for this difficult but eternally rewarding task.

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**By Jessica Oberreuter at LA Christian Counselling

Our Earthly Life: A Disposable Cup

Published on by Editor

Key Quotes

“There’s something valuable about remembering death, and thinking about it. When we think forward it urges us on to live a worthwhile life now. And when I stand before God, I’ll definitely at that time be thinking about how I wish I had lived. But the wise ones are the ones who consider that question now, and not just consider that question, but they do something about it”

“When I come to die (or the Lord returns first), will I say, “I wish I could have showed the Lord more how much He means to me.”

“One of my goals in this life is to gain the continual habit of gently turning my attention away from distraction and back to the Lord and His presence, throughout every day.”

“Our disposable life can be a cup full of devotion to Christ – devotion means : Christ is EVERYTHING to me. The disposable cup full of Christlikeness to live here and please the Lord not just outwardly, but inwardly from the heart with pure love and intentions flowing out of us. The disposable cup full of humility which lifts the Father and Jesus up, and is happy to go down and decrease because He is increasing. The disposable cup full of trust and faith which bows before God’s wisdom and love, in the midst of great pain and years of suffering – contently committing ourself to the Lord’s hand through it all to do as He will”

Full Article
 

One of the most challenging things Paul said was in Acts 20:24 “I consider my life worth nothing to me…” (NIV). I read mainly the NASB translation of the Bible today, but I learned this verse in the NIV and as a teenager I was so challenged by what Paul said there. What a challenge Paul gave us in his example.

We can tell a lot about ourself by what pops up in our phone apps and on our computers, in our web browsers – Recommended videos, and ads, etc. Companies spend billions to track our behavior and recommend us content they think we will consume. So in a sense I suppose at least some of what comes back to me is a reflection of myself – and my interests.

But I was surprised the other day that Youtube recommended me a really random video, I have no idea why. The video was a live stream of a memorial of a random lady who had recently passed away a day or two earlier. This was not a famous lady – it was an older woman who lived in the U.S. somewhere, and the funeral home where her service was had a Youtube channel which livestreamed the services. And for reasons unknown to me, it popped up in my recommended videos.

At first I was confused and ignored it, but then I was reminded of Ecclesiastes 7:2 : “It is better to go to a house of mourning Than to go to a house of feasting, Because that is the end of every man, And the living takes it to heart.” So I clicked on it and started watching.

There’s something valuable about remembering death, and thinking about it. When we think forward it urges us on to live a worthwhile life now. And when I stand before God, I’ll definitely at that time be thinking about how I wish I had lived. But the wise ones are the ones who consider that question now, and not just consider that question, but they do something about it (see the parable of the wise and foolish virgins in Matthew 25).

So I clicked on that live stream (which had been going on for a little while already – so I scanned through it), and I watched family members talk of this womans life – the challenges she went through, losing a husband who died somehow when the kids were young. Trying to raise her daughters in the right way, and be there as a support to her grandkids in the midst of everything.

But the thing that touched me most is what her granddaughter said. She said weeping, “I wish I could have told you more how much you mean to me.” And I thought of people that have passed away in my life, and how we definitely often have that thought: “If only I had one more day…”

But then I realized something even more important on the exact same lines, but not toward loved ones. Toward God: we have JUST this one life to show God how much He means to us.

And here’s the question: When I come to die (or the Lord returns first), will I say, “I wish I could have showed the Lord more how much He means to me.”

And it flips my perspective on everything when I think like that. How much more I wish I would have strove against sin harder in my inner life, to spend plain and simple time with Him – not with masterful professional prayers but just 2 friends alone with each other – Jesus and I. To love Jesus by loving others and showing them mercy and encouragement, to be content in all trials and suffering for His sake, to praise Him in them. To labor WITH God for salvation of others by praying for them and never giving up, to seek His presence always, and treasure Him above all. To despise the things of earth, and to consider everything of earth rubbish for His sake – to know Him and to please Him.

What a chance we have now. But we only have it now. 2 Cor 6:2 “… Behold, now is “THE ACCEPTABLE TIME,” behold, now is “THE DAY OF SALVATION”

I’ve heard it said, “A man is what the thinks about all day.” One of my goals in this life is to gain the continual habit of gently turning my attention away from distraction and back to the Lord and His presence, throughout every day. Not to fix my gaze on ‘other cares’. It’s not easy. I don’t think many Christians ever attain that type of closeness with the Lord. But the Lord put in my heart the desire for that life, and I believe that this is the way to keep doing everything for the love and glory of God (1 Cor 10:31) – to carry my cross with Jesus in my sights (Heb 12:2) and in my heart. Otherwise it’s like a wife who cooks and cleans the home, and doesn’t leave – but has no desire for her husband, no intention to love and be with him. It can be lifeless. I have to keep the Father and Jesus in my heart in the midst of all of this. I need the right life WITH the right motive.

The Lord gave me a picture one time: I like to drink coffee in disposable cups. I enjoy the coffee. But the cup is basically value-less except for what it holds for a temporary time. I throw it out after. And I saw – that is EXACTLY what our life is: Disposable. That’s what Paul said “my life is worth nothing to me.. if only I may finish my course” (Acts 20:24). The only value this life holds is what it can contain of Jesus in this passing moment that we are here. It’s disposable. It’s a disposable life – but can be full of treasure while it is here for a little time, before it’s thrown out.

Our disposable life can be a cup full of devotion to Christ – devotion means : Christ is EVERYTHING to me. That devotion is the valuable thing this disposable life can hold for a time.
The disposable cup full of Christlikeness to live here and please the Lord not just outwardly, but inwardly from the heart with pure love and intentions flowing out of us
The disposable cup full of humility which lifts the Father and Jesus up, and is happy to go down and decrease because He is increasing
The disposable cup full of trust and faith which bows before God’s wisdom and love, in the midst of great pain and years of suffering – contently committing ourself to the Lord’s hand through it all to do as He will

This is the eternal value which our disposable cup can hold for some time until we take it into eternity.

James 4:14 “…You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”

And it is spiritually very helpful – thinking about the future and our end (even in the form of watching Youtube memorials of strangers!) – to meditate on: what will matter 1000 years from now? Or even 100 years from now? This helped me early on in my Christian life. And I’m working to try to teach my kids about this today.

Here’s a poem which also challenged me when I was younger and I heard it – to live more seriously for God now, and to fix my mind on things above (Colossians 3:2):

100 YEARS FROM NOW
It will not make much difference, friend,
A hundred years from now,
If you live in a stately mansion
Or on a floating river scow;
If the clothes you wear are tailor-made
Or pieced together somehow,
If you eat big steaks or beans and cake
A hundred years from now.

It won’t matter about your bank account
Or the make of car you drive,
For the grave will claim your riches and fame
And the things for which you strive.
There’s a deadline we all must meet
And no one will turn up late,
It won’t matter then all the places you’ve been,
Each one will keep that date.

We will only have in eternity
What we gave away on earth,
When we go to the grave we can only save
The things of eternal worth,
What matters, friend, the earthly gain
For which some men always bow?
For your destiny will be sealed, you see
A hundred years from now.

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**By Bobby McDonald © Copyright – Bobby McDonald. No changes whatsoever are to be made to the content of the article without written permission from the author. https://nccf.com/