Tag: motherhood

Single Mothers Beware: Not Every Man is a Father

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While this warning applies to both single mothers and single fathers, there is a noticeable trend among single mothers that warrants particular attention. Being a single mother is a complex and often challenging journey, but it also requires wisdom and vigilance—especially when navigating new relationships. For many women, after experiencing the loss of a partner, poor relationship choices, or coming from a time before embracing faith, the prospect of a new relationship may seem like a chance for companionship, love, and support. However, it’s crucial for single mothers to recognize that not all men who enter their lives have genuine intentions. Some men may approach with ulterior motives, which can put both the mother and her children at risk.

The “Package Deal” Dynamic

When a single mother enters a relationship, she brings her children into the equation. Some men may view the woman as an individual but fail to acknowledge the responsibility and care her children require. In extreme cases, they may even see the children as obstacles. This mindset can be likened to certain wild predators that eliminate offspring to increase their chances of mating.

Predators Who Target Vulnerable Families

Some men approach single mothers not out of genuine affection but to exploit the situation for their own gain. This includes individuals with pedophilic tendencies who prey on vulnerable families. These predators often manipulate emotionally vulnerable mothers, gaining their trust before revealing their true intentions: access to the children. Their tactics include grooming and isolating the mother from her children to make them more susceptible to abuse.

Manipulation Tactics to Undermine the Family

Predators may mistreat children to create a toxic environment, pushing the mother to choose between the man and her children. They may offer ultimatums, such as suggesting the children leave or the relationship ends, aiming to solidify control over the mother. This manipulative behaviour seeks to break up the family unit, with the ultimate goal of removing the children from the picture.

The Type of Man Who Embraces Another’s Children

A man who truly cares for a woman will also embrace her children as part of the family. Such men understand the responsibility of nurturing, protecting, and supporting the children, viewing them not as obstacles but as part of the family. In contrast, men who struggle with jealousy or resentment towards the children may reveal their lack of respect for the family dynamic over time.

The Danger of Emotional Manipulation

Predators often use emotional manipulation to undermine the mother’s connection to her children, creating a toxic environment that pressures her to choose between the man and her children. This strategy isolates the mother, focusing her attention solely on him and convincing her that life would be easier without her children. Mothers must remain vigilant, trusting their instincts and recognising such manipulation tactics.

The Importance of Boundaries and Discernment

Single mothers must establish strong boundaries to protect their children. Any potential partner who shows disrespect or mistreatment towards the children is a warning sign. A loving partner will demonstrate kindness and patience toward the children, accepting them as part of the family. Pressure to prioritise the relationship over the children’s needs should be taken seriously as a red flag.

Single Motherhood: A Diverse Journey

Single mothers come to their position through various circumstances—loss, poor past choices, or before embracing faith. Regardless of the reason, they must remember that their primary responsibility is to care for their children. A woman’s past should not define her worth or ability to make wise decisions moving forward. The safety, happiness, and well-being of her children must remain her priority.

Protecting the Family Above All Else

Discernment is key for single mothers. Not all men have good intentions, and some may have ulterior motives that endanger the family. A healthy relationship should support the family unit, not tear it apart. A mother’s responsibility is to protect her children, and this sacred duty must never be compromised for any relationship, no matter how tempting.

Single mothers can create and rely on a robust support system that ensures their well-being and that of their children. Here are some key elements of a strong support system:

1. Family and Friends

• Emotional Support: Close relatives and trusted friends can offer encouragement, advice, and understanding during challenging times.

• Practical Help: They may assist with childcare, errands, or household tasks, providing much-needed relief.

2. Church and Faith Communities

• Spiritual Guidance: Many churches provide pastoral counseling, prayer groups, and spiritual mentoring for single mothers.

• Practical Assistance: Faith communities often organize programs like meal trains, child mentoring, and transportation services.

• Small Groups: Joining a single-parent Bible study or support group can provide encouragement and shared experiences.

3. Local Nonprofits and Community Programs

• Many local organizations offer:

• Affordable or free childcare services.

• Parenting workshops to build skills and confidence.

• Emergency financial aid for rent, utilities, or groceries.

4. Professional Counseling and Support Groups

• Therapy or support groups for single mothers can provide a safe space to process emotions, heal, and learn coping mechanisms.

• Online forums and virtual support groups offer connection for those unable to meet in person.

5. School and Educational Resources

• Many schools provide after-school programs or low-cost childcare to help working mothers.

• Teachers and counselors can be valuable allies in supporting children’s emotional and academic needs.

6. Government Assistance Programs

• Programs like SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program), WIC (Women, Infants, and Children), and Medicaid offer financial and healthcare support.

• Subsidized housing or childcare can also provide stability for single mothers.

7. Legal and Advocacy Services

• Single mothers facing custody, child support, or domestic issues can seek help from:

• Legal aid services.

• Family law attorneys specializing in single-parent cases.

• Advocacy groups protecting women and children.

8. Christian and Faith-Based Organizations

• Organizations like Focus on the Family, Safe Families for Children, The Salvation Army (see the resources section below) provide specialized support tailored to single mothers.

• Mentorship programs connect single mothers with experienced women who provide guidance and encouragement.

9. Self-Care and Personal Development

• Regular self-care routines, such as journaling, exercise, and pursuing hobbies, help mothers recharge.

• Seeking opportunities for personal growth, such as job training or education, can build independence and confidence.

By building a network of trusted relationships and accessing community resources, single mothers can navigate their challenges while ensuring their family’s stability and well-being.

Resources for Support

Here are some Christian-based organizations and charities that provide help for single mothers in vulnerable situations:

1. Focus on the Family

A Christian organization offering resources, counseling, and guidance for single mothers, including support for those in difficult or dangerous relationships.

2. Safe Families for Children

A nonprofit providing temporary care for children in crisis, supporting single mothers by offering safe, loving placements for their children.

3. Christian Alliance for Orphans (CAFO)

An organization that helps strengthen the Church’s efforts in caring for vulnerable children through fostering, adoption, and support services.

4. The Salvation Army

Provides emergency shelter, housing, and support for single mothers and families in need, as well as recovery programs and domestic violence support.

5. National Domestic Violence Hotline

Provides confidential support and resources for women and families affected by domestic violence. It includes information on safe shelter, legal help, and counseling.

6. Christian Domestic Violence Support

A Christian resource offering information and help for women in abusive relationships, including links to counseling and shelter programs.

7. Christian Women’s Job Corps (CWJC)

A faith-based nonprofit offering job training, mentoring, and support for women, including single mothers, as they work to achieve self-sufficiency.

8. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD)

Supports mothers and families who have been impacted by drunk driving, providing counseling and legal support to those who need it.

9. The National Women’s Law Center

Offers resources, legal information, and advocacy to support women’s rights, including those related to family law, workplace issues, and domestic violence.

10. Lifeline Children’s Services

This organization provides support for children, including adoption services, and family resources, with an emphasis on Christian care for children in need.

11. Family Promise

A nonprofit providing emergency shelter, housing assistance, and case management services for families experiencing homelessness, including single mothers and children.

12. Catholic Charities USA

Offers a wide range of services to single mothers, including counseling, housing assistance, food, healthcare, and other family support services.

13. Hope for the Heart

A Christian organization offering counseling, support, and resources for women facing emotional and relational struggles, including single mothers.

14. The American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC)

Provides a directory of Christian counselors and therapists who offer professional support to women, including single mothers dealing with trauma, emotional abuse, and other difficulties.

These organizations offer vital support for single mothers, including counseling, legal assistance, shelter, parenting resources, and more. If you find yourself in need of help, don’t hesitate to reach out to any of these organizations, as they provide confidential and compassionate services.

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*** Photo by PNW Production at Pexels

John Wesley’s Tribute to His Mother, Susanna Wesley: A Son’s Admiration

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Artwork Susanna Wesley with Five Children by Richard Gilmore Douglas

AN ADMIRING SON

Susanna’s devotion to her faith and her family clearly shaped her son John Wesley’s character and had an impact on countless lives.
Few mums know what it’s like to raise 10 children like Susanna Wesley. Her son John, the founder of the Methodist movement, published a letter in which his mum shared her “principal rules” for parenting, covering things big and small.
Because our understandings of child development have changed greatly in the nearly 300 years since Susanna was raising her kids, we might not agree with all of her advice. But some still rings true today.

RELIGIOUS EDUCATION
Devotions –“The children of this family were taught, as soon as they could speak, the Lord’s prayer, which they were made to say at rising and bedtime constantly,” Susanna reminded her son.
Worship and Music – When the Wesley children were a little older, the day began with reading or singing a psalm, reading an Old Testament chapter, and saying private prayers — all before breakfast. At the end of the school day, they paired up to read a psalm and a New Testament chapter.
Sabbath – Sundays were special in the Wesley house. The children “were very early made to distinguish the sabbath from other days,” Susanna wrote. Even when the kids were very young, they were expected to participate in the family prayers, “which they used to do by signs before they would kneel or speak.”

EDUCATION
Focus – In the Wesley household, nine to noon and two to five were reserved for the children’s education, a top priority for Susanna. “It is almost incredible what a child may be taught in a quarter of a year, by a vigorous application,” she remembered.
No goofing off – Susanna expected the children’s full attention during the education hours. “Rising out of their places, or going out of the room, was not permitted unless for good cause, and running into the yard, garden or street, without leave, was always esteemed a capital offence.” I imagine Susanna smiling as she wrote that last line to her now grown son.
Reading – Each child was taught to read at age 5, both the boys and the girls. Susanna noted, “[P]utting children to learn sewing before they can read perfectly is the very reason why so few women can read fit to be heard, and never to be well understood.” She would not allow that for her daughters or sons.

ORDER AND DISCIPLINE
Routine – The Wesley house ran on a tight schedule. “The children were always put into a regular method of living,” she wrote. Times were assigned for naps, education, meals, and bedtime.
Self-regulation – Susanna was convinced that “self-will is the root of all sin and misery,” and worked to help her children develop self-control.
Positive reinforcement – Susanna believed, “That every signal [sic] act of obedience…should always be commended and frequently rewarded.” When the thought is there, but the execution lacking, Susanna adds that parents should then “sweetly” direct the child on “how to do better for the future.”
Discipline – When needed, Susanna strived to discipline appropriately. “Some [infractions] should be overlooked and taken no notice of, and others mildly reproved,” she wrote, “but no willful transgression ought ever to be forgiven children without chastisement, less or more, as the nature and circumstances of the offence require.”
Forgiveness – Susanna taught that a child should never be punished for the same offense twice, and “that if they amended they should never be upbraided with it afterwards.”
Peace – The child-filled Wesley household was not chaotic. “The family usually lived in as much quietness as if there had not been a child among them,” Susanna remembers.

SLEEP
Bedtime – After dinner at 6, the process of getting the children ready for bed began at 7 p.m. with the youngest child. All children were in bed by 8 p.m., whether they were ready for sleep or not. “[T]here was no such thing allowed of in our house as sitting by a child till it fell asleep,” she wrote.
Naps – As infants, the children napped on a schedule. “This was done to bring them to a regular course of sleeping,” Susanna reasoned.

MEALS AND DINING
Dining – Mealtime was family time. When the children were young, “At dinner their little table and chairs were set by ours,” Susanna recalls, near enough to be supervised. Children graduated to the dining room table, “As soon as they could handle a knife and fork.”
No snacking – “Drinking or eating between meals was never allowed,” Susanna shares, “unless in case of sickness which seldom happened.”
Choosing meals – The children were expected to eat what was served. “They were never suffered [permitted] to choose their meat, but always made to eat such things as were provided by the family,” Susanna wrote.
Medicine – “They were so constantly used to eat and drink what was given them,” she remembers, “that when any of them was ill there was no difficulty in making them take the most unpleasant medicine.”

MANNERS
Polite speech – Susanna expected her children to be polite. If they wanted something they were to ask, and were given “nothing they cried for, and instructed to speak handsomely for what they wanted.”
No lying – Susanna believed that children were tempted to lie when they feared punishment. “To prevent this,” she reasoned, “a law was made that whoever was charged with a fault, of which they were guilty, if they would ingenuously confess it, and promise to amend,” they would not be punished.
Respect for property – The Wesley children were taught to keep their hands off of another’s stuff, even “in the smallest matter, though it were but of the value of a farthing [1/4 of a penny], or a pin; which they might not take from the owner without, much less Money against his consent.”
John Wesley shared this advice from his mom in his published Journal as he reflected on her death. The entry is dated August 1st, 1742, the day of her funeral. He hoped it would help others caring for “a numerous family.”

*Susanna Wesley gave birth to 19 children (including two sets of twins). Unfortunately, nine died in infancy or soon after.

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** By Joe Iovino works for UMC.org at United Methodist Communications. Contact him by email.